Like Katy, my anger is fear- fear of undesirable outcomes. If it wasn't/ isn't going in a way that I feel is positive, I panic. When I panic and feel defeated, anger enters the scene.

I am working on not having expectations or tying my life purpose to outcomes. I also will take time to not respond immediately so I can become aware of other ways of perceiving what is happening, not just my version.

I'm not very good at this yet, but willing to practice.

I hope this helps.

Thanks everyone, and yes Rose I will Google - that is usually my first action.  I just felt this was a little unique (HAHA of course!).  Here's why.

Since coming to Al-Anon I have become much better and identifying my sources of anger and turning away from that as a first response.  I am better at saying "that is fear or sadness or . . . " and dealing with it internally better.  I rarely get angry and my anger is not my focus here.  I keep my life pretty drama free, always have.  I kept a level head through the house buying process for the most part and when I needed to express myself I did - to strangers - like my lender and agent.  I was pretty impressed at the changes I saw in myself, the strength and self confidence, the ability to say "No".

But when my life isn't drama free . . . like with the exA . . . I just can't deal with it. THAT is the part I want to address.  If someone is angry at me I internally just FREAK - then I run and hide.  Like I said, even watching it on TV I get upset and walk out of the room or cover my eyes.  Someone is going to cheat, steal, lie, get angry - I cover my eyes and get nervous.  They can slice and dice - be at war - but give me any emotional turmoil and I can't watch it.  If it is coming my direction . . . the sky is falling.

Here is an example.  A friend called me the other day and said "Tricia, I consider you one of my great friends - but I am really upset with you right now."  I panicked!!!  The immediate internal pain and panic was horrible.  I asked why - and his response "Because you don't have to commute.  I am stuck in traffic."  He was playing and I about had heart failure.

So - imagine how the relationship with the exA was!!!  It was constant emotional turmoil.  He was always upset about something or someone.  When the exa's anger was directed at me there was often screaming, foul names, slamming down the phone on me - heck he was the first person to ever say FU to me.  Ever.  Some of the meanest, foulest, most hurtful things I have ever heard came out of his mouth at me.  It was awful and really made this whole problem for me worse.  I have spent my life trying NOT to make people mad and there was no way to avoid it with him.  I could never do anything right.  The more angry he got the more I pulled away - which made him angrier and of course meant I was sleeping with any Joe I passed on the street - in fact - all of them!!!  My pulling away would trigger his abandonment issues which made it all my fault.  I was instantly a liar, gas lighting, double bind.  Which actually I get . . . I am saying one thing (I love you) but my actions - running away - are saying another.  All of his behavior was justified because I was pulling away from him.  He HAD to snoop, obsess, make threats to ruin my career.  All because I got quieter and more distant.  It is amazing how much trouble doing nothing can cause.

And of course I have to look at my part!!!  First, when I did finally have enough I hit back with intention to hurt.  I used the truth - but I slung it fast and hard and hit him right in his ego - where I knew it would hurt the most.  It felt awful.  But most of the time I just ran and hid.  If I could deal with anger - work through it - learn that there can be peace after and the slightest infraction isn't going to mean that they hate me or are going to leave - or more importantly that I CAN STAY.  Just writing it makes me afraid.  This has been an issue all my life - but I learned how to avoid having to deal with it - avoid confrontation until the exA.  After that relationship this issue is very raw and close to the surface and needs to be dealt with.  I guess that translates to I just feel scared all the time now.

I will Google books - that is usually my first course of action - but thought I would share here first to see if anyone else had this issue of dealing with anger coming at them and found any good resources to handle it.  I would at least like to make it through a rated G movie without leaving if someone gets upset.

Thanks so much!

tlc

I know nothing about anger managment groups except taht they end in 6 weeks and your on your own again .Al-Anon never ends our literature talkes alot about resentments and anger  , in the index at back of the books look up this topic all pages listed deal with anger and resentment you will find one that has a solution for you.
Alot of my anger went away when I accepted my part in the mess  created by this disease , I too had a part . My husb was only doing what worked for him and I cannot blame him for what I didnt do . I never said enough , or dont talk to me that way I just let it all happen.It was a hard pill to swallow to admit that I taught people how to treat me by allowing unexceptable behavior over and over again .
I learned here that every thing isnot about me - if someone is angry at me for no apparent reason then I leave itwith them . If I have done something to upset them I need to apologize and make it right .  We are human we make mistakes but i also realize I am not responsible for other people having a bad day nor is it my job to make them feel better , If I didnt do it -  its not my job to fix it .   I have learned here to apologise if I have upset someone and I have also learned to never apologize for something I didnt do .. Louise

I do not know about anger management specifically as in what they teach.  I do know that if I suppress feelings and have others underneath already - unresolved emotoional baggage, it makes me sensitive and defensive.  And then I do react to a mole hill like it is the huge mountain.

For me frustration is a great sign that I am gettting emotionally flooded and upset by whatever is not going "my way".  Other times, basic things like not eating regularly can work so that I am all tense and upset as un underlying current in my day, so I need to take care of me and see that I am drinking tons of water and eating adequately and not junk.

I do know tons about depression.  Depression is anger turned inwards, anger you dont feeel you have the right to express.  Depression is a very serious pit of despair and I had to force myself to positive and constructive things to do to get me out of it at all.  Being loving and kind to the self, taking good care phsyically and nourishing you, and taking care of you emotionally and spiritually are aspects. 
  As I forgive and release myself from the bondages of pain and abuse, I become more and more liberated in every single way.  Let go and let god is a lifestyle, it is the air I breathe now, it is a process to live by.

Forget being perfect and embrace you for all of your faults and surrender everything to HP and feel that connection.  Right now is all any of us has, right now is realtiy and right now youo can make a change that will set in gear many other positive things to come -but- you can only control and change you.  No amount of emotional resuing will help you or him.  Feel, deal and heal for YOU and be loving and supportive to each other.

What helped me a lot was this - I quit asking questions and being intrusive in general in other's lives.  And I know it sounds crazy bc when I first came, I was utterly and completeley obsessed with other people and thier lives and I felt totally entitled to tell them anything I thought.  Well, other people dont think like me and they ahve thier own values, who am I to tell them any thing?  Also it is controlling to manage, coerce, contro, guide, influence, manipulate and give me opinion to everyone.
   YOu can love others and accept them and not agree with thier choices or approve of what they are doing, that is ok, it does not matter but being loving does.  Accepting reality matters bc if I dont I will be one miserable puppy forever.  

I can see getting angry when u get scared too.  Kids dont have control and they have to accept what comes.  The adult in you is angry that the kid in you is scared.  As kids we freeze, we hide, we run.  It is the fight or flight response.  I ran from my problems for a llong time, all they do is follow you.  OUr issues are there and the sitauations and complications get worse each time, like in plateaus.
  So look deeply at your patterns bc it will continue until you change something.

For me just saying what I am feeling, I am afraid and that makes me angry bc I feel powerless - that is very helpful, as I state my feeling and identify it in the moment, it loses some of its grip on me and I can begin to feeel the emotions as they come up in waves.  No one likes to feel out of control.  If u feel a reaction coming on to some situation, go and sit down (if u can) - remove yourself somehow, go to anotehr room or into a bathroom for a few moments.  Sit and feel it and just breathe - let the thoughts race through and breathe deeply and let the wave of the energy pass over you. 
  When I sit and feel it and breathe, I can monitor the thoughts I am having, I can see it reacting in its way and yet I can say this made me angry and it is empowering to identify it and give it the identification.  After a few short minutes, the bulk of the enrgy wave has passed over me and I begin to see options and choices... I begin to see I have more options then my initial emotional reaction.  I get some calm and some clarity and then I can actually consider a response I might wish to take.

All of that helps to - identify your triggers, to feel and cope in the situation, I like to pray too if the feeling is intense, I willingly hand it over to HP saying, "I willingly surrender this anger or this fear - take it from me now", take all of it, and then keep feeeling like you are literally pushing the energy out of you. 

Picking the "No" choice, like always deferring to there is no choice only failure - I guess  I used to be like that too - seeing the failure before I even try.  It is self abuse, it is self sabotage and instead of risking and getting vulneralbe/exposed and possibly hurt - I just dont move, dont do anything, then ur not a failure right?  No, then ur choosing to not decide for you and passing the responsibility is still a choice we all can make or not. 

With HP there are infinite potential possibilities, open up to all new ideas and do not choose in haste but see what options you truly have.  Nothing is ever black and white, u ahve a multitude of options, you just dont see them yet. 

Focus on what you can do and what will allow you to feel better.  Practise not deciding and see what happens, see if you get more choices/opportunities.  Pulling the plug ought to be the last choice, there is no reason to burn bridges with people or be cruel.  That is misplaced and misdirected anger.

For me anger can be a healthy catalyst to make changes.  I think as you stand up for you emotionally and respect and honor and love the inner child within (soul) you - u will become less angry, I think we are very angry with ourselves, for allowing us to be hurt and human in the first place.  Forgiveness is the most powerful spiritual tool available to us, it anchors in loving kindness - forgiveness is the greatest gift you can do for you.

TAke it easy and begin to express yourself.  I love doing that in meetings daily, so I am less likely to take it out on someone else inapprorpriately.  Also, I would say to let go of all expectations.  When we expect we put our focus on someone's behavior and it isnt even that great to do to the self - in fact the expectations I had over me were the most severe - as an acoa, we are already supposed to be perfect at everything.  Give yourself permission to feel and make mistakes, ur a human being.  Our feeelings are just feelings, they hurt so much emotionally and then they cease to hurt us, unless we hold on and dont let go.  They all pass and are waves of energy - it has helped me  alot to think about it in that way, it has given me some objectivity.

My ego is what gets hurt, when I think I am being "wronged" or whatever.  I found beating the I want to be happy drum, provides better results then banging the I am right drum, who cares if I am right or wrong, it is irrelevant and u wont find peace and happiness that way.  Happiness and peace are inside jobs.