The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I did not want to come to work today. I got an email last night from one of the bosses regarding a file I worked on yesterday. Looked like the client had some questions about our work and maybe something might have gotten messed up. Reading the email, I felt a little panicked. I started to project about getting yelled at and fired. Ugh.
Luckily this morning, I was able to put my grown up suit on and reel it in - and realize that when I project like that, it is something I started doing as a child to cope with the chaos of living with active alcoholism. It was not okay to mess up or be wrong, and I knew that my alcoholic/rageaholic parents would be merciless about it. I learned to by on hyper alert, and to anticipate all possible disasterous scenarios so that I could be ready when they happened. Maybe that was the only thing I could've done as a child, but as an adult, I recognize that this is not a healthy coping strategy. I told myself this morning - out loud - that I would not let fear about getting yelled at or fired steal the joy from my day, because none of the stuff I was worried about had happened. It was all a crazy projection in my head. I made up my mind that I was NOT going to let that win. If I made a mistake, I can admit it, take responsibility for it, and offer to do what is necessary to correct it. Making mistakes is part of what makes me human. I don't need to feel the old childhood surge of shame over it anymore.
It is interesting how much difficulty I have had in my professional life that has been shaped by things from childhood. The disease has affected not only my family relationships, but ALL of my relationships. I still struggle with perfection, fear over making one of my bosses mad and getting yelled at (giving them too much power), and paranoia about the future.
I'm grateful for the knowledge this morning that my thought processes related to work are not just examples of how I am illogical, irrational, and extreme. I was conditioned to fear authority figures. I was conditioned over my whole childhood. I can't recover overnight. I'll be patient. It's just nice to put the pieces together.
I do very similar things in my life. I project about stuff so much it makes me terribly sick. I worry how my decision to not have Thanksgiving at my dad's will make him feel. I take on everyone elses feelings and get sick too. I am totally full of shame from childhood trauma. But I am beginning to take it back like you say. I can't let it rule my day. Progress not perfection :) Good to read this share. Thank you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I'm grateful for the knowledge this morning that my thought processes related to work are not just examples of how I am illogical, irrational, and extreme. I was conditioned to fear authority figures. I was conditioned over my whole childhood. I can't recover overnight. I'll be patient. It's just nice to put the pieces together.
I'm grateful for your reminder also. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
Same here...I do much better with this than I used to. I immediately admit when I've made a mistake and offer to fix it right away. But there are those feelings of shame that pop up from time to time, or fear of someone being upset with me.
I can relate. Growing up in a dysfunctional/alcoholic home imbedded shame into who I am. Now as an adult it's so apparent how much damage I walk around with and just how much it effects every relationship I have. For myself, I isolate because I'm so afraid someone will find out I'm not perfect and I don't have it all together. I maintain a decent social life because I call and connect with others at my convenience and that is when I'm feeling good and have most things in order. I want close relationships and I want to be able to be real but its so incredibly hard. I like the progress not perfection slogan and I like that I can be honest with you guys. Thanks for sharing this today.
I too believe that what happens as a child can stay with us. I also believe that there comes a time in our lives that we can shape our own idea of who we are and what we want to be. Way to step up
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
