The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For all the progress I feel like I have made, I took such a giant step backwards this morning and I'm really upset with myself. Last night, I went grocery shopping for my wife. We had decided a couple of weeks ago that we would go grocery shopping together on Monday nights. She had indicated to me that this chore was always a trigger for her because there was a liquor store right next to the grocery store and that was when she would get her wine. So we agreed that from now on we would all go together--they had a nursery in the store where the kids could play while we shopped and it worked out really well last Monday. We actually had a lot of fun with it. Anyway, last night I got home and she had clearly had a bad afternoon. Although she didn't drink, she wasn't doing well. I offered to take the kids and do the shopping myself. She agreed to that, so after dinner I went to the store with the kids. The grocery store is basically like a foreign land to me as I never go there and I was a bit confused. Plus the nursery where the kids stay closes at 7 and I only had about 45 minutes to shop. I didn't get everything on my wife's list but I got most of it.
Anyway, long story short, this morning before I left for work I showed my wife the list and showed her what I didn't get. She said "oh ok, I'll just stop by there this afternoon and pick up what you missed". I got so mad and frustrated--here I was, trying to help her and help her to avoid one of her triggers and I did the exact opposite. I put her in a position where she would have to go to the store because I didn't "Finish the job". Well, I made a bad situation worse by trying to control. I told her not to go to the store, I would go later. We went back & forth on this and I wouldn't let it go. In hindsight, I thought of 2 things that I have read here: WAIT: Why Am I Talking? (I love that one!), and something else someone said: if you suggest something once, that is ok, if you suggest the same thing more than once, that is controlling. It ultimately led to her crying and me just making things worse with every word I said.
I know what I did wrong, and I feel good about that, but I just wish I hadn't screwed up so badly. The entry in today's Courage to Change (which I read in the car after this incident) was about just relying on your higher power, specifically related to whoever in your life is causing you anxiety. Oh well, onward and upward...
Don't beat yourself up about it. Doing the best you can. If she wants to get liquor, trust me, it doesn't have to be the store next to your favorite grocery. You are going great with all of this.
-- Edited by ntxalanon on Tuesday 16th of November 2010 09:55:57 AM
No reason to beat yourself up, you're doing a great job. You can't take on the responsibility of ensuring that anyone stays sober. If someone wants to drink, they will drink and you are powerless to stop it. By the same token, if someone wants to stay sober, they will stay sober. Nothing you do or don't do can either cause a person to drink or stop them from drinking.
I think these are opportunities to grow. It is fantastic that we are changing and notice when we do things that don't fall in line with our goals in recovery. It is going to happen - but if you notice and have the opportunity to make amends and CHANGE it is a beautiful thing for both of you.
It was/is almost impossible for me to say I am sorry - still have a hard time with it. It feels like I am exposing my underbelly and the other person is going to take my life right then and there. And making amends isn't just about saying you are sorry - it is about making change. Also - saying you are sorry doesn't always translate to "I was wrong". Sometimes it is "I am sorry I hurt you." and then followed up with a change in that behavior. For me, saying I am sorry and making change with my qualifier was so difficult. I often felt, and was extremely wrong, that he had caused me so much grievous harm that he didn't deserve my amends. Making amends is for ME. I need to own my behavior, change my behavior, and have a clean slate and drop the guilt to live a good life. Cleaning up after myself is core to doing that. I never felt safe enough to make a proper amends to my exA or have even uncovered everything I need to make amends about. Maybe someday. I won't be at peace until I do. As long as I feel he doesn't deserve my amends - even just an inkling - I know I have a LOT of work to do on my humility and ego.
For me this is coming really slowly. With people who are safe and love me, it is easier. With people who historically take my amends and beat me over the head with it and keep it in the "Tricia is horrible pile" I decided to make my amends by keeping my mouth shut and changing the behavior. But the goal is change, regardless of how you do it. I have been practicing for only a couple of years now and still have a long way to go. Progress not perfection. As long as I keep trying and growing, owning my part - no matter at what pace - I am a success.
I think you are a success too! I would call this growing pains.
Tricia
-- Edited by tlcate on Tuesday 16th of November 2010 10:49:03 AM
Don't worry "R" you will get many more opportunities, that comes with living in the disease. I know you are aware she is either going to drink or not drink. There's nothing we can do to stop them. If they want a drink they will find a way. As you stated ..onward and upward, practicing as you go. We don't win ever battle with this disease.
Take the pressure off yourself.....As the story goes.....You can put an alcoholic in cement up to their neck........and they can "still" find a way to get a drink. The second of the 3 C's come to mind.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 16th of November 2010 11:47:45 AM
Man if I had a dime or even a nickel for everytime i slipped in this program especially in the early months I would be a rich woman. great that you did the shopping for your wife in the first place, I love a man that will shop lol. But remember you cannot be your wifes "babysitter". At some point she if she is commited to recovery is going to have to walk into that grocery store on her own, even with the liquor store next door. So with this experience you learned she was willing to go back on her own. Now you know you can give her the dignity to abide by her decisions. If she finds her way over to the liquor store, know in your heart she was going to find her way there no matter what. A's will tell you the reasons they drink or what thier triggers are etc. Truth is they don;t need a reason or a trigger these are excuses they use to justify thier behavior. Growing up with this disease and now living through it with our son. I always saw my A's as being very fragile ( especially when they weren't drinking or using) and I treated them with "kid gloves" as not to upset or worry them so they wouldn't drink. They are not as fragile as we think and we should not have to alter our normal routines in order to keep the peace...it just doesn't work. If they want to drink or use they will and of course will always have an excuse which usually involves blaming someone else. Keep workin your program You are doing great...and be gentle with yourself when you get off track, for me it was an eye opener finally when I could so easily get off track and revert to an old behavior...then why was I so suprised when or if the A got off track...I mean I wasn't even addicted to anything and could slip so easily. Kinda gives a new persepctive on things. Blessings
-- Edited by xeno59 on Tuesday 16th of November 2010 01:47:04 PM
Please don't be so hard on yourself, UsedToBe...we are our own harshest critics and our own worst enemies. Our paths to recovery will not be perfect. It sounds as though you are able to identify what about your behavior was unhealthy...learning from our mistakes is part of our growth.
It's good that you brought that here so that others can learn from the responses of the elders who have shared their ESH with you. It did hit me in my "album" of recovery also right in the index under "sponsor"..."Trust, fear and faith" and the slogans "Don't React, Turn it over, When in Doubt...Don't" and more.
Keeping in mind that you are a newbie treat yourself as one. Keeping in mind that our actions and reactions can be hurtful practice simple apologies and taking responsibility for your part rather than thinking your self the next candidate for the electric chair.
I did not get it over night and haven't got it all if that is possible. Recovery is about the process as has been mentioned and not ever about prefection. We don't even get pats on the back very often for doing what should be done normally. Up until a few years ago we never did get anniversary chips while the alcoholic was getting them every year along with the hugs and cake and stuff. It is not about perfection ever. When I use to screw up my sponsor use to suggest celebrating that I was still human and not dead. That's a good suggestion.
Keep coming back and keep working it. A sponsor will help tons. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 16th of November 2010 03:17:09 PM
