The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some of you will know that my relationship with my children is a very difficult one simply because they blame ME for all the trouble and strife of their early years when I was being abused by their AF who was rather violent toward me and very neglectful of them.
It has taken me years of living through bullying from my daughter and there have been times when she has simply cut me out of her life, however she always comes back to me eventurally when she needs something. Usually money or physical help and then it has been a repetition of bad behaviour, unacceptable cruelty and bullying from her, Physically and emotionally. I vowed that enough was enough andI would limit my exposure and contact by not always being the one to get in touch...and wait and wait and wait for a response...and get lower when none came. I vowed I would let them (my son and my daughter) live their lives with me in it or not as they chose. (Even though that was not how I would chose. I want them in my life dearly.)
Over the last two years I have managed to maintain boundaries and have made a firm stand against physical abuse from her and unacceptable behaviour for her children are copying her and I get threatened physically and verbally by them (Their ages 16,14,11 and the latest 1.) The 11 year old actually attacked me two years ago and told me he would kill me.
I walked away. Since then I have tightened my boundaries even further and suffer days of repeated despair that it continues STILL.
I am now 60 years old and I no longer feel I can cope or should have to cope with this.
This morning I sent a text after not hearing from my daughter since end of September. I vowed I would NOT be the first to be in touch this time, however it was the youngest birthday. He is one years old in a couple of days, so I thought I would simply text to let her know to look out for the postman, so that she could arrange pick up of the parcel I sent in her own time. (They live a long way from me and as I have no transport I cannot travel the 400+miles round trip.) The last time I went to stay I went to help her out and look after this baby and the three other children whilst she got herself into University and it was awful. Instead of being grateful she bullied me, I was up at all hours and expected to rush around all over the place; and when things did not go her way she set on me and pinned me up in a corner of her kitchen and although she refrained from hitting me, and said she was not going there again, she scared me half to death because of her physical size and intimidation. I am a lot smaller than her and not strong and she has floored me before and put me in hospital so it is very scary when she is like this. I also had a torn rotary cuff muscle in my shoulder and a splinter fracture at the top of my arm and how I carried the baby down three flights of stair five or six times at least a day I do not know but I did. However I stood my ground (even though I was crying and shaking and scared), and told her that her behaviour was unacceptable and I was not coming down again to help if this was how she was going to continue to treat me after all these years.
Today this is the exchange of texts:
ME: Look out for the postman soon. xxx
DAUGHTER: Oh ...Ur alive then?!
ME: And so are you it seems. (In hindsight this was NOT the best response. I never think that sarcasm is good. )
DAUGHTER: I Tx u a long time ago...Didn't hear from u on sat which was a shame xx
ME: Not had a text from you that I have not answered. In fact the last text I had from family was 5 November from (brother) which was a surprise as I had sent you all texts that were not answered. Last text from you said "Cool" and that referred to my reaching the summit of Ben Nevis on 28 September if I remember correctly. Just thought you were all busy. I have been rather poorly. Xxx
DAUGHTER: Glad u r well mother xx
ME: You sound bitter dear? (My heart is aching so now and I am in tears at this end of the phone.)
DAUGHTER: No ... I all good
ME: Okay. My mistake. Glad you are good. Xxx
Nothing more has come through. I don't have their land line and I cannot ring on my mobile I cannot afford it. Feel so so SICK.
Need to go and repair my serenity and think again how I could have done better here. That is the first time that I have questioned her responses. I usually take the "O I am sorry, it must be all my fault stance." You know the victim, the cause, the have no right to be happy, have no right to be treated with civility and RESPECT well you have not earned that so you have no right to expect it.
I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO ON MY RECOVERY and I SO NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH this type of communication. I STILL get it all wrong.
Just for today I will let go of my daughter all over again and I will take care of me.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I know in my life, those who hurt me are usually the closest. I am sorry that your children are like this. I think you have it right though, in letting go of your daughter. My sponsor told me to never make first contact. That is what I try to do now. People don't seem to notice, unless I finally have agonized enough and make the contact... Then they say "I haven't heard from you, blah blah blah" Phone goes both ways in my world.... You are inmy thoughts :) Take care of you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I am not in touch with my family of origin. If I were, it would be pretty similar to your interactions. The bottom line is they expect me to pick it all up and project their issues all over me. The kind of tangent your communications have with your daughter is all they know.
Expectations are really everything. I know I secretly hoped my family would pursue recovery. They have not. They live on a plateau of dysfunction. From time to time it gets worse.
I find it so key to really accept that dysfunctional people will behave dysfunctionally.
Sue, sorry to hear of your troubles and pain...you've been so supportive of me all this time. Reaching out to healthy people (a meeting maybe) would do some good I think. I know that feeling of "I shouldn't have to deal with this etc."....that's my mantra....but it doesn't change anything. And when "I" make changes in myself, I always feel better, at least for a little while. Hang in there.
Dear Suzannah, it's bad enough that you suffered from the interaction, but now you are being very hard on yourself. Please be kind to yourself, we never get to graduate. Instead of focusing on how far you have to go, consider how far you have already come. (((hugs)))
Have you considered that people may be treating you in a way you expect to be treated...? If you aren't kind to yourself, should anyone else? These are questions my sponsor had asked me, I seem to hold a belief that I have to accept any scraps that anyone will throw me. Yesterday, she suggested that I write a love letter to myself. "One that you would really love to receive," she said. I have to say, it felt really nice.
In my experience, there is only one drama going on... my walk away from my HP, and my walk back. I will do it over and over, and it's okay. I am on the path as best I can. I am more determined than ever, to study the steps that lead to a spiritual awakening. The steps are showing me how to have a life. On my own, I just don't know how.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
(In hindsight this was NOT the best response. I never think that sarcasm is good. )