The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There is something that I recently learned that I can use in all areas of my life, not just with my relationship with AH. I thought I would pass it along in case it may help someone else.
Let me back up just a little bit to give a small back story...
Last night, we were all watching tv, and AH got up and said he would be right back. I asked him where he was going, and he said he was going to the store. I knew that meant he was heading out to get beer. I found myself getting a little angry that he was going to drink, but then I had a realization. My realization was that it is a waste of time to get angry that he was going to drink, because me getting angry wasn't going to change the situation. I realized he was going to drink whether or not I get angry over it. So I immediately decided that it was not worth getting over angry, and decided to be happy regardless of his decision to go buy beer and drink. He ended up not going to the store after all because he saw that the neighbors were outside drinking and snagged a beer from them instead. When he came back inside, he asked if I was mad. I told him I wasn't mad. He said "I think you are mad." I told him that I wasn't mad and that if I were to get mad, it wouldn't change the fact that he is going to drink. He started justifying that he was only going to drink one beer because he likes the taste of beer. I told him that it wasn't necessary to explain the reasons why he wanted to drink to me, that he could do as he pleases regardless of whether or not I like the fact that he drinks, because it is his decision, not mine, and it isn't my place to make judgments.
I was also able to use this same realization at work today too. I have had issues with my supervisor in the past. She has had a poor attitude from time to time, and loves to give a loud sigh and roll her eyes when someone asks her for help and she acts all put out that she is having to stop what she is doing to help the person in need. She has done this to me many of times in the past, and it used to make me really angry that she treated me with such disrespect. She hasn't acted like this in awhile, until today. I had to ask her about something that happened while I was on medical leave because a vendor called asking me a question about an invoice that we paid, and when I went to my supervisor asking about it, she rolled her eyes and sighed very loudly at me. I took what I learned last night about it being a waste of time getting angry, and applied it to that situation with my boss, because I realized again that me getting angry wasn't going to make her act any differently, or take away the fact that she had already sighed and rolled her eyes at me. Once I made this realization, I actually felt sorry for her because she must be a miserable person if she gets that upset that someone is asking her for help.
I personally think it is great that I have made the realization that it is up to me to make the decision to either get angry or let things go and be happy regardless of the situation, someone else's actions, or someone else's decisions. It's a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders, and I feel a sense of freedom and peace.
Thanks for letting me share.
Kimmy
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
There sure has been some great ESH on this board today, this included! That is awesome.
I am no longer involved with my exA or have any contact with him. I do not have active alcoholics in my life. But . . . I stay in Al-Anon so that I can share my ESH, like you just did, and help others - and to keep learning! The knowledge available has improved every relationship in my life, how I deal with my own internal dilemmas, and my resulting serenity. Just as you have experienced. I will keep learning and feel that the more I learn the more there is to learn!
Today's reading from the "Language of Letting Go" by Melodie Beattie goes along well with this.
Kimmy, I am copying down your actual and internal dialogue with your AH, and will turn to it when I am in the same situation. I am coming to those realizations, too (about the futility of anger, about letting my AH bear all the consequences of his decisions), but it is hard to keep perspective sometimes. Thank you so much for the share. It is helping me already.