Dear Sue,
My heart goes out to you.  It sounds like  you are trying hard  to take care of yourself. As we all know, we didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. 
I only know that as long as I am doing anything for the alcoholic that he can do for himself, I am being an enabler. Hard to realize when it is someone you love dearly. I have done my share of doing the same. 
Only my higher power can give me the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Keep searching for answers in Alanon. It will come.

Thanks so much for the replies, today I drove up into the mountains, and visited a little church where I lit a candle and asked fGod, for strenght and hope, I know I have to be strong, and be the "force" behind my husband and son, of course I am leaving out many details here, of broken lives, and destroyed childhoods, as my husband and I were raised by alcoholics and as a result we are damaged and confused and just at a loss as to how to proceed or move forward now history is repeating itself, we are shocked and numb and dont have normal family role models for guidance etc.

Today I have made a decision to give my son an ultimatium, either to stop drinking so I can move back home, or he has to find somewhere else to live, within the next 10 weeks before I move back into my home, to do this, he will of course have to find full time work, but I have decided to stop "fixing" everything for him, I am a fixer of course having been raised by an alcoholic mother and father, and my husband is co-dependant, everything seems to get cloudy and confused and we cant find boundaries or clear aims.

the awful sad thing is that my son wasnt raised around alcohol, didnt experience much to do with alcohol but has still ended up damaged.

Pray for me as I try to stand my ground, and make him take responsibility at least for where he lives and paying his own way, for other reasons, I find it very difficult to be around Alcohol, so since my son became a "man" and began to drink every night, it traumatised me and sent me spiralling back to my childhood, thats why I had to move out away from the alcohol, my son knows all this, and knows I found it very difficult to be around his drinking etc, but he wouldnt compromise with me and even give me a few nights a week with no alcohol in the house, he doesnt go out and drinks at home 7 nights a week.

Since i left some months ago I have repeatedly asked him to compromise and go out to pubs or mates houses, or to stay at his girlfriends, but he wont, he has compltely taken over our home and we let him! now, I am determined that I will not live in a home that is alcohol orientated, so he will have to leave in order for me to come home, there is no other way, and I have decided to leave it to him to decide where he will go, for him to choose his own destiny, I am in my 50's now, had an awful childhood and just want some peace and security in my own home, having never had it before, I am aware of my age and just want a quiet normal decent life, something I have never had before,

Thanks again and prayers would be appreciated, Sue

My bf's parents did much the same as you are now. They did everything for him and didn't charge him rent at all. They took over his bills when he had slipped into addiction. They cooked for him, did his laundry, called the ambulance when he passed out etc. They had not allowed him to be an adult. Finally they realized they needed to tell him to leave their home. He did. When they did this, they began to give him everything back that should have been his all along, his check book, money, and all the things that were his. He is now learning to cook, doing laundry, dishes, and cleaning up around our apartment all on his own. Something I learned here in Alanon was that if we do things for the alcoholic, it is taking away their responsibility and their self-esteem. I don't do stuff for him at our place. He voluntarily does things. My bf's mom has gone to alanon to gain tools to deal with her enabling and co-dependency. Her father was an alcoholic too, so she was raised there and then had a son who was. It runs in families. It is a disease. My bf's dad is going as well. By having your son move out, it may just give him his life to live. Take care of you, that is what Alanon is for. I have to hand things over to my Higher power every day, every minute.... Great books are: Courage to Change, One Day at a Time, As we understood, Getting them Sober, The Language of Letting go. Face to face alanon meetings and this board helped me see what I needed to do. I am learning to take care of me now. :) HUGS!

Hi and thanks again, this is really helping me at a time when I just want to run away and leave my husband and son to deal with it, there wont be any problems legally getting him out, as he hasnt got the money to keep or maintain our home and my husband is still technically living there with him, so thats one bridge I wont have to cross but thanks for the advice about it.

I am finding it really hard getting my husband to maintain the ground rules and stick to them with me, this has been a big problem all along, first, when my husband drank with my son, and I was trying to point out that we were enabling him, and cossesting him, and secondly once I left the home 7 months ago, I have always known that we were making him "incapable" that we were doing too much for him, but when I would run it by my husband he would say, "what harm can it do?, and after the awful childhood we both had, lets make a fuss of him" but deep down I knew I was raising him to be incompetent and i resented having to do so much etc etc.

He wont even handle his own money, is very happy to work minimal, get just enough money to drink every night, up until I left there, I was doing his bills, banking, etc etc, and I knew that was wrong too, when ever I try to be firm and put ground rules down my husband steps in and tries to get round me to "soften" he is terrified of confrontation and our son has us that he just has to shout or scream at us and my husband backs off and runs away.

I feel deserted by my husband, that his loyalities are all wrong, of course it breaks my heart to think that my son is quite happy to have me living away from home so he can carry on drinking every night and have the full run and use of our home, my husband says he is terrified of losing him, but I point out he could lose him quicker to the alcohol, the sad thing is that my husbands mother died at 54 from Alcohol having destroyed everyones life around her, and I cant understand why my husband isnt more active in trying to encourage my son to stop, I know he wont stop till he wants to, but surely us giving him our home, allowing him to live there for peanuts, and not ever confronting him or saying a word is not the way to do this?

my son has even manipulated the company he works for to allow him to work the days he WANTS to, for the amount he needs, he never does over time, fills in for an illness or when they are busy, his life is set out daily around his needs, thats all well and good, if he lives alone, but he doesnt, and its my home and I want to go back there, I am sticking to my ultimatum, that he has 10 weeks, to find somewhere else to live, then the day I move back in if he drinks that day, he is out, but its not easy and already my husband has backed off and ran away to hide again, leaving me feel as if I am the one ruining their lives, that its me turning their world upside down, as my sons favorite mantra is "I am happy, and comfortable,why would i work full time, I am not out mugging old ladies or taking heroin, so your just making a fuss over nothing"

Sue