The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been spending many days reading and rereading the post that Tom put up from Toby's site. The one regarding the mini interventions. The holding of the boundary. Wow. Everytime I read it, I see how true it is.
I just have to update and say that I haven't talked with the exAbf for a couple of weeks. He knew why and never addressed the real issues. I stood firm and didn't fall back into his getting me back in the usual way that it works.
Well, I received another email today. In this one, he addressed his problems, told me how much he realizes that he wants me in his life, and he is going to seriously work on quitting "smoking" and drinking. He wants to get rid of his "crutches" and live a "normal" life with me and his son. Said he wants to "grow up" and make this work.
Wow. I cried when I read it. He also added that he sees how I am turning my life around and maybe he can learn from my example.
I am not following the program to a tee, but I have taken what I need and put it into use. So true what Tom said about letting them see us getting well. Letting them know that we aren't going back to business as usual. Letting them know that they have lost the control. And knowing ourselves that we can survive without them. I'm sure they can figure that out as well.
I have offered support to him whatever happens. I am aware that change doesn't happen overnight. But if he is willing to try, then I am willing to try. No expectations.
Well, that post pretty much just made my day, and I'm also going to send a note along to Toby, as she loves getting feedback about all the good that her messages/books do for everyone...
Thanks for sharing, and great work, on your part....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
That is really awesome! I just joined today and read your post it made me smile!:) That is so very awesome I am ready more then I ever was to get started with the program and hope it gives me the greatness that you seem to be having with it!:) Best of luck to you and yours!:) I am thinking everything is going to work out wonderfully for you:)
Thank you for your support. All the sharing around here DOES help.
I just want to add that the "great work" or "greatness" does not come easy. I had many crying spells, lonely feelings, anxiety etc. The end justifies the means I suppose.
I think I will go to that meeting tonight. I was afraid I would go and cry my eyes out. But so what if I did/do. They understand me.
Thanks again. I can't get over how much this program has done for me in the little bit of time I have been involved. I have a feeling that the learning is endless. One day at a time..
I love the attitude about the meeting - I used to be reminded (many times) that sometimes the most important meetings were the ones when I (thought) I really didn't want to go....
The learning really is endless...... it's a funny thing, as well.... when we are in a good place, emotionally/mentally, that statement sounds positive, and reassuring.... Similarly, when we are in a bad emotional/mental spot, the thought of "the learning is endless" elicits such responses as: "you mean I have to keep going to these darn meetings forever!!??"
It is all about perspective, and I, for one, am enjoying your perspective on life, recovery, etc....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wonderful news! As Tom says, there is so much more to learn - so keep at it! You will be amazed over and over again. The changes in myself have been staggering and I feel I haven't even scratched the surface.
I am so happy for you.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
The willingess to support him is a natural for the family, friends and spouses of the alcoholic and addict...I was always willing and most of the time over willing. I think I would've taken a bullet for her had the opportunity come up...LOL really!! Of course it never did but most members would know I'm talking about "overdoing" one of the finest characteristics of enabling.
When I got into Al-Anon I learned that before I ventured back into being on hand for the alcoholic I needed to be on hand for myself with a sponsor. That was absolutely very true. Only part of the result in those lessons was two very good slogans, "When in doubt DON'T" and "Don't React!!". With the alcoholic I never knew how to support her properly and I was always in crises and chaos so therefore...when in doubt. When I found my self in the middle of one of her fire drills the Don't React was best.
Detachment and boundaries DO work. Yes they do. ((((hugs))))
I will have to check that book out sunflower. Maybe I will look right now online to see if my library has it. Kind of want to slow down on the book buying lol.
Thanks Tom, I am enjoying it as well.
Thanks tlc. Isn't it just amazing??
Love it Jerry, Don't React. Sometimes difficult but very effective.
