The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Apparently AH is noticing a difference in me since I have been attending f2f meetings. Thursday night, I came home from a f2f meeting, and found AH outside drinking with the neighbors. After I put my things away in the house, I went next door to see what was going on. When I got there, AH said they had just been talking about me. He said that the neighbors asked where I was, and he told them I was at an alanon meeting. They thought he was joking at first, but he told them that is really where I was. He said they asked him why I was going and he told them he really didn't know the reason why. So he asked me in front of them why. I told him that I had told him why in the past. He said he really didn't know why. I told him he didn't know why because he didn't listen to me when I told him apparently. So the neighbors started asking me why, but I chose not to answer because honestly it is none of their business. I told AH I would talk to him later about it.
A little bit later a situation happened between the husband and wife, where the wife swears her husband received a call from another woman. She got upset, and the husband went in. We were trying to talk to her to calm her down, and she said "I know what I heard." Then AH pops off and says "Well I understand because Kim goes to these mysterious Tuesday and Thursday night outings." I turned to AH and said "You can't be serious?" He said "Maybe I am." The neighbor decided to go in, and we started walking back to our house. I turned and gave AH a look that said that I wasn't pleased with him and his comment. He asked what was wrong. I said "Mysterious Tuesday and Thursday outings huh? Need I say more?" He said "How am I supposed to know that is really where you are going? When you come home, you seem so happy and cheerful, and that makes me think that you are really going out to see another guy." I said "I really am going to alanon on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You are more than welcome to follow me there anytime because not only do they have alanon meetings there, but they have AA meetings there at the same time in a different room that you would be more than welcome to attend." He said "I don't need AA. I don't have a problem. So why do you go to alanon anyways?" I told him I go because alcoholism affects me and I want to learn how to deal with the issues I have with it so I am not so consumed by it, and so I can learn to take care of me. I told him to me it was no different than me seeing my individual therapist, or when I went to group therapy for my depression. I told him that a lot of what I am learning in alanon is very similar to what I learned in my depression group therapy. It is all about learning to take care of me. He asked why his drinking caused such a problem for me. I told him that when I first met him, he admitted to me he was an alcoholic, and now that he is back drinking it scares me that he will eventually lose everything he has worked so hard for in the 9 years he was sober. He told me he has his drinking under control. I said "For now, maybe you do, but alcoholism is a progressive disease, and while you may have it under control now, you might not a day, week, month, or year from now." He said "Do I take care of my responsibilities?" I answered yes. He said "Do I take care of all of my responsibilities?" I answered yes. He said "So apparently I don't have a problem with drinking." I said "That is what you call functional alcoholism." Then I turned towards the neighbors' house and said "Case in point. They work, take care of their kids and their responsibilities too. However, they are alcoholics who drink every single day, and get drunk every single day. Agree?" He said "You have a point there." So we talked a little more about why I go to alanon, and my concerns for him, and he seemed to be satisfied with what I had to say. After the conversation was over, he took me into his arms and gave me a big hug, and told me he loved me.
The thing that stuck out the most for me during this entire conversation was when he mentioned to me that when I come home from my meetings, that I am happy and cheerful. I guess even when there are times that I don't feel like I am making a lot of progress in my recovery, I apparently am because I come across as happy and cheerful to him, especially after my meetings. That says a lot to me because for him to notice that is huge. That tells me that I am making progress and am headed in the right direction with my recovery. I had no idea that it was that noticeable to him. I don't know if what I said about my concerns about him losing everything he has worked so hard for in the last 9 years made an impact or not, but I am trying not to focus on that. I have to keep telling myself that he will do whatever he feels like doing and that all I can do is watch his actions because even if he were to tell me he isn't going to drink anymore, I won't be able to believe it because he said that very same thing just a few weeks ago, and that didn't last very long. Thankfully he hasn't been drinking every day, mostly just the weekends, except for this week when he drank on Thursday. All I know is that after realizing that going to f2f meetings is having such a big impact on my life that AH has noticed a change in me, it makes me want to dig even deeper into working on my recovery. When I told my therapist all of this yesterday when I saw her for my weekly visit, she told me that she feels that AH is probably scared because I am showing him that my happiness doesn't depend on him anymore, when before it did. I've looked to him for the last 8 years for my happiness, and now that I am finding happiness within myself he doesn't know what to think or do. I think that is a very good thing, and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Kimmy
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Awesome stuff Kimmy.... as you are growing, he is getting increasingly anxious, as he's realizing that things cannot go back to where they were..... This post is a shining example of a sick A baiting, trying to discourage, trying to embarrass, trying to manipulate - all in the name of "just teasing".....
Good for you in standing up for the most important person in the room..... YOU.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow! Can I just say that what you just posted is a shining example of just how awesome this program works. A big Congrats to you on not taking the bait and getting reeled back into your husbands disease. I have heard many a story on A's accusing thier spouse of cheating when they are going to meetings ( of course to take the focus off themselves ) and you responded so beautifully to your husbands accusations. Just an awesome job !!!!! A's don't like it much when they start seeing that we can get along without them and we don't need them so to speak to get our validation, support etc. It's all well and good until we start changing...they do not like change or a disruption in thier routine. I don't have a spouse who is an A. My current A is our son and he couldn't have cared less when I started alanon....until I started changing, when I started changing his world started to change as I was able to start detaching and setting boundaries....oh then i was being brainwashed by this crazy group etc and he devleoped a hatred of 12 step programs. He has been in jail almost a year now on thier rehab unit. He was given the choice of a 12 step rehab or a behavior mod type rehab. Of course he picked the behavior Mod rehab as one last attempt to show me his distain of 12 step programs. I know he was looking for me to respond angrily and looking to bait me into an arguement. I simply told him it was his recovery not mine and I prayed it would work for him. But anyway Good Job !!!! Blessings
Yep, a change in us sometimes brings on a change in them. Your AH can see the changes in you. What I saw in your conversation with your AH was an opportunity to react the way you might have in the past before program. You chose the program's solution...........To say what you mean, but don't say it mean. "Not reacting" is my favorite slogan, but it does not apply in every situation. In your situation last night you chose to react. You did it the right way. You did the next right thing. You did it with your program in mind and your serenity in tack. Your AH was left with nothing to do but give you a hug and say without saying that he sees you are getting healthy.
I see the same.
Double HUG, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 13th of November 2010 01:03:18 PM
Wow Kimmy...that looked like you swam right past his alligators using a slow relaxed back stroke. It sounded like sanity. It sounded like a really good speaker tape. It sounded like it should be an Al-Anon "how to" pamphlet. You held it all together and didn't get hooked. I like that alot and it is what keeps me coming back and practicing what others do that works for them.
Thanks for all of the encouragement everyone. I appreciate it very much. It lets me know that I am headed in the right direction in my recovery. I am so thankful for MIP, my f2f group, and my HP. Without those three things, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am truly blessed.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
