The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm really struggling right now....and I'm tired of struggling....on meds, in therapy, attend meeting when possible.....and things at home have been relatively quite lately.....can't blame the wife currently for how I feel.....
I just can't get past the sadness.....joy or happiness is so fleeting....I feel like sadness is my natural state and I hate it. Was walking the dog for 1 hour tonight. Beautiful starlit night. And I kept getting all these negative thoughts. I tried to fight them off but they were relentless. I'm so tired of fighting this. And I'm sorry...but so many of your stories I find sad. Especially where children are involved. I feel so guilty about my own daughter. She's in therapy now, will probably be in therapy as an adult due to the things she's seen and heard (mostly rage type stuff)....and there's not an F-ing thing I can do about it. I can do damage control but I can't prevent the damage. Nothing in my life gives me satisfaction.....I struggle all the time. My best days are just days when I don't hurt. I have to keep fighting this, it's my only hope....but even with no specific thing going wrong the sadness infects me.....It seems the dominant feelings in my life are sadness and frustration and powerlessness......
There IS something we can do about it - we can get recovery for ourselves and be an example to our children. We can break the cycle and get healthy. We can't change the past, but we can sure change ourselves in the present.
I know Rabbit, I find it so hard to let go of the past, especially the stuff I feel guilty about. I can focus on my recovery, which I am. I'm making sure that, while I'm not perfect, I'm not bringing any pain to my daughter and trying to give her lots of love and attention. She knows I go to therapy and meetings too. And she's pretty good in her own therapy, participates well and "very verbal" I"m told. Maybe she can turn out ok. I'd sure hate to think that she'll have the kinds of feelings and attitudes as an adult that I do. There are other things I can do for myself, and DUH, when I was feeling better a week or so ago (not great but noticeably better) I was getting to bed earlier right after an evening workout. I slept so soundly, was up early in the morning and not rushing. I have to remember to keep these things up. My schedule can get hectic enough that I can't keep routines. Everything changes from day to day. It's very difficult to plan things for myself because I'm not sure where I'll be on a given night or time until that very day. For example I know I'm going to my church tomorrow morning and having brunch with my parents and my daughter tomorrow. But I don't know what I'll be doing in the afternoon. I know some things I'd like to do, but it seems something always pops up that I HAVE to do....anyway I'm sure we all go through this. I wish I was a morning person. I'd like to be able to get up at 5 AM and do my workouts and other "me" stuff when everyone is asleep. I'd actually enjoy walking my dog before work. But even with a good nights sleep, I'm such a slug in the morning that I can't do very much physical stuff. Just feel stiff and achy and nauseaus when I try. Seems to take an hour or two and some coffee before I feel human. I'll figure something out, maybe just get up and do nothing but pray and meditate and read some literature, to be used to getting up at that time.
I understand the feeling that it's going too slow. I honestly thought when I went to my first meeting that I was a quick study, and I'd get it down in a month, tops. I was kinda appalled by the people that had been in there 20+ years - wondered why they kept coming back if it hadn't worked yet. Hehehe. I had to accept that I didn't get sick and emotionally damaged in a month, and there was just no way I was going to be able to heal things that had taken a lifetime to accumulate in a month. And I discovered that the people that had been there for 20+ years weren't still going because they were still waiting to "get" recovery. They were going because they HAD it and wanted to keep it.
I have the least patience of anyone I know. I've found the speed of recovery (or lack of speed of recovery, as the case seemed to me for a long time) frustrating for sure. But I'm mindful of two slogans that have worked for many of my old-timer friends - one day at a time, and progress not perfection.
Rome wasn't built in a day. You've come a long way already, MJ - your posts show your recovery. You're doing a fine job, even if you can't always recognize it. It's inspiring to see how much you care for your daughter and how you are making healthy choices for yourself and for her. Sometimes I worry that my sons are doomed - they are 9 and 1. They both have alcoholic dads - the 9 year old's dad is not in recovery. I worry that my bad choices will screw them up. And then I realize that if it hadn't been for my choices, those precious boys that I love so much wouldn't even be here. They deserve the healthiest mother they can have - and that's what I aspire to be for them. I didn't have a healthy role model for a mother, and I'm doing my best with what I have. As long as I keep going down the healthy path, I am showing them that in spite of circumstances being whatever they are, recovery is possible.
I think it's not the ultimate destination that's important - it's the lessons learned along the way. That's inspiring to me, because it means that I can do recovery every day and be successful at recovery every day. "Recovery" is not some abstract place of utopia.
Hon have you gone to your doctor and shared this? Who ever gave you the anti depressants needs to know how you feel!
Our bodies react different to different meds. It honestly sounds like your may need tweaking.
I shared I kicked off Effexor, I started on a milder one and take something over the counter, SAM e. I feel so much better. Make sure you talk to your doc before you take anything.
Depression is an illness, nothing to be ashamed of. You honestly, with all the work you are doing, sound like that would be a good idea. I invite you to talk to him or her.
There is no sense in going thru life feeling like this when there is help out there.
I know what you mean. I was so sad before I described my life as cardboard!
From your shares I can tell you are very special, into life, love your daughter, patient with your wife. Sounds like you may need to do for you.
Do you have bumber cars anywhere there?I bet your daughter would love doing t that. Getcha going...
Aloha Yankee...I remember one of the early lessons in understanding when I first got to Al-Anon which was if I can admit that I am not always right and in fact am wrong alot of the time that my predictions and projections of how life is and will be will also be wrong. It's true considering I was also stuck in constant "doom" mode. My sponsor taught me that emotions are choosable and options and today I can pick the ones I like and want to feel and act on.
This is a simple program and we got the 3c's and 3a's ...how about the 3g's God, Group, Gratitude? or choose any other positive focus you want.
Lyndebi is exactly right...if you are on anti depressants they may need to be tweaked a little bit so make sure you are communicating this stuff to your doctor. There is absolutly NO shame in depression or anxiety disorders, there is no shame in any illness. I was on several anti depressants for a very long time. There was one that worked beautifully for me. Then my doctor was called up to active duty for almost 2 years and the doctor I got transferred to decided I needed a change and he put me on a different anti depressant...i can only tell you that, that medication had me curled up in the fetal position for a week before my husband was able to pretty much roll me in the car and get back to the doctors. After that I tried several meds that just didn't "do it" for me but they wouldnt put me back on my orignal med because they said my body had gotten to used to it or some insane reason. I even ended up on an anti psychotic med ( and I am not psychotic) just so I could sleep at night. That was a total nightmare. Point being talk to your doctor and therapist. I can tell you this and I think I have said this many times to you. Absolutly nothing changed in my life until I threw myself into this program and made it a top priority to work on myself. When you decide that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired I am hoping you will do the same thing. Not just a meeting now and again...meetings, meetings and more meetings...even join us here online for our meetings if you can. Until I started taking the program seriously and was willing to do the hard ( and it is hard) work to make my life better I wasn't going to get any better. I had much work to do and it was painful stuff sometimes cause I had to go back and reconcile my past that I had worked so hard to forget. Please do not diminish what you CAN do for your daughter now besides "damage control". You have options you just have to be willing to act on them. Again meetings and working the program. As you get healthy and display positive behaviors your daughter will learn from you. Right now you are her healthy parent so the healthier you get it will only aide in her recovery. I totally get the feeling of not being able to hold on to those fleeting moments of happiness...I am wondering if you took those fleeting moments and jumped on here for a meeting and shared them, if the positive feedback you would recieve might aide you into holding on to those moments a little longer each time. Happiness doesn't come easily to me anymore so on those days and moments where I get that glimpse of it, I cherish it and I make sure and thank my HP for it. Most days I am content with being "okay"....it is unrealistic for me to think I am just going to be estatic everyday. I am greatful for the days when the world is not weighing on my shoulders. I would suggest making meetings your top priority either f2f or online and again work the steps...they truly are the path to peace and contentment. I have told you before I came here a hopeless case and 2 years later my life still has many troubles and i have a long way to go but I can say pretty much each day that "I am good". I know my family is thrilled to see my changes. So work work work your program Blessings
To address the med issue. I was on a med merry go round for years.
I am finally on something that works wonderfully for me (mood stabilizer) in combination with a great therapist. I no longer struggle with the stigma of being on medication. I think that was a HUGE turning point for me. If it works, keep it up. If not, try again.
Don't give up. I never thought I could change so much and be happy. I, along with many others, prove that it can happen.
I identify. When I got honest with myself, I realized I fought depression long before I met my AH. That awareness is progress for me, I now take responsibility for my suffering.
It has been my experience that when I try to get closer to my HP, my ego-mind (or my disease) starts acting up, it wants to fight recovery every step of the way. Perhaps that is why your negative thoughts were relentless..? For me, I gotta keep trudging (such an appropriately chosen program word!) the road to happy destiny by keeping my butt in the middle of the al-anon boat by making meetings, calling my sponsor, reading, and doing service work to get out of myself....etc... they say I'm not going to recover if I'm hanging off the side of that boat.... get in the middle of it, surrounding myself with the people who have done it before me. How else can I change when my mind is so relentless?
I also have to remember that, no human power can relieve me. I often wonder how it will be possible to do all the things I need to do... answer is, on my own... I'm not. But my HP can do anything. My HP owns the whole universe!
MJ, my children are in their 20's. I thought I had been the perfect mother providing the perfect home. Turns out, I was delusional all those years. Already, they both suffer from anxiety. But I did my best. I accept that I am not their HP. Their HP has them on a path that is designed just for them, just as my path is just for me. Most definitely, I wanted to control everything about their lives, I wanted perfection... alas, I am powerless.
Powerless. Powerless. Powerless.
Until I accept that, I cannot stay emotionally sober. It is the bedrock for any lasting change in me.
Because you want it so badly, MJ, it will happen. Trust the process. ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 13th of November 2010 09:12:07 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
