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Last night whilte seriously drunk - my AH pulled our 9yr old daughter aside (without me knowing his intent) and informed her that he is sick with a disease. That his disease is being an alcoholic and that he doesn't like it. He told her that he is quitting immediately. I am unsure how I feel about him telling her this way or at all yet. I have been told MANY times in the past that he knows he is sick and that he is an alcoholic and that he is quitting but it's been 15 years and he's still drinking. If he doesn't quit now, what will that do to my daughter's relationship with him? Her trust? I don't know what to do now because I can't change what's already been done but I don't know how to take it from here. I usually keep AH from having much if any contact with our daughters when he has been drinking but it was 6pm and he was wasted so all I could do was try to monitor and step in if needed but he wouldn't have allowed me to step in on the conversation last night. He was crying when he talked to her and I just hope this doesn't affect her negatively in the long run. She is already a very sensitive girl. My daughter told him that when one parent drinks it tears families apart. She then started to cry and told him that he HAS to stop. It killed me.
Quite honestly, I look at this latest happening as somewhat positive - sounds to me like your A is "upping the ante", so to speak, and perhaps getting more serious about his sobriety....
That being said - there is no guarantee, of course, that he will follow through... All you can really do is be in charge of your relationship with your daughter.... Be there for her, keep an open dialogue available at all times, but try your best to only be responsible for your relationship with her (i.e. not responsible for your AH's relationship with her).
All you can do, is reassure her that she is loved and safe.... You don't understand, nor do you need to, "why" he does what he does....
When he drinks or is nasty to you (or her), reassure your daughter that she is safe and loved.... When he disappoints her, reassure your daughter that she is safe and loved.... When he is drunk, reassure your daughter that she is safe and loved.... When he is sober, reassure your daughter that she is safe and loved....
I had to learn this, and it was a great learning for me....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
If you haven't already, I would make sure that your daughter understands what alcoholism is, and explain the 3C's to her.... Perhaps get her some of the children's readers like 'What's Drunk Mama?" or "The Elephant in the Living Room". Now that he has 'outed' himself, you can use this opportunity to educate her on what the disease is, and make sure she doesn't suffer the effects of it if he does decide to continue to drink... I found for my very emotional daughter (7yrs) that once she understood it, and learned to talk about her feelings, she became less so. You can also start teaching her some of the basics of detaching, so that she doesn't feel responsible for his disease or feel the need to keep checking up on him...
It is important to remember that children do not process things in the same way an adult does. They obviously think with a childs mind and unless they are able to verbalize what they are thinking you've no idea how your daughter has processed her dads drinking in her mind up until this point. I have to say that the conversation between your husband and daughter may very well what she needed to hear. Clearly best case senerio would have had the conversation take place when husband is sober. But non the less I can guarentee your daughter already knew something was wrong with daddy long before this. I knew at 4ys old my father was a drunk and kids are a lot smarter these days. This conversation may have been somewhat of a relief to her now knowing 1. daddy has a disease 2. It doesn't have anything to do with her and it is not her fault 3. daddy can change if he chooses too but in the event he doesn't again it is not because of her These are vital things for a child to know Now is the time for you to start educating her on the disease concept...I know there are a lot of books out there that can aide you It is also vital that your daughter understands she can't "fix" her daddy. She is at a great age to have these conversation(s) with her. Also a great time for you to throw yourself into your own recovery as your daughter will take her cues from you on how to deal with this disease, and one healthy parent is better than none.
Aloha Sunshine what a reminder for me of the first step and the need for the program and a Power Greater than myself. As one of the members from inside of our morning meeting said, "This is the nastiest diease on the face of the earth!" He is right. The most powerful deterrent to having it take and take over everything in my life is the fellowship and those I stand with so that we can help each other in recovery. Follow the suggestions and what others are doing that works for them and chances get much better that peace of mind and serenity will come and stay as it has for me. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I found the best thing for my two kiddos was for me to remain strong. Always be there for them, face whatever I had to.
When they were sad or scared, they would tell me. I would reassure them that I am ok, grammy is ok and we all love you and will take care of you.
My A scared my son the "one" time he had a horrible tantrum, throwing things etc. He left, I filed an RA took him to court to get money back for all he broke.
My son was afraid for YEARS from one darn incident. He would tell me he saw him parked watching him, or see him somewhere. Never happened. Once he thought he followed him so he barracaded himself in his bedroom.
I NEVER said anything bad about the A either. All we can do is build them up, let them know things always go thru changes but that is ok.
A's mean what they say,but the disease makes it so they cannot carry thru. This was something I had to teach my kids.
If you can find an ala teen group, it helps to have others who are going thru the same thing.
I can ID....my daughter has suffered as well....I've done what I can but it breaks my heart to see her upset, or afraid.....all you can do is be the best parent you can...that sucks and I don't know if it's enough....but it' s all you can do.
I also see this as a positive thing and kudos to your daughter for her response. Good for her for letting her dad know how she felt! It takes a lot of courage to do that.
I have nothing to add to the other responses you got - they are all right on target.
