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Hi everyone. I'm curious if your A's also suffer from mental health issues? I'm kinda feeling all alone in what I've been dealing with, like there couldn't possibly be anyone else in the world having to deal with all the 'xxxx' I've dealt with. My AH has always had anxiety - GAD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He started taking meds a year ago, then went off them on his own because he had completed is Master's Program, very stressful time was over, so he thought he didn't need them anymore.
Well, about a month and a half ago, long story short, I find out my AH has been Googling Suicide - he was suicidal and wanted to end his life. I took him to emergency, interviews with several doctors and psyciatrists later, after physicals and blood work, he ended up in a psych ward. He stayed there for just over a couple weeks. His Psyciatrists said he suffers from Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. They told me he didn't really go through detox during his stay. I visited him every day, and although he didn't detox they way it's protrayed on tv, he was jittery, more anxious, sweating, ect.. so I think he did a bit. You can't drink a bottle of vodka every night and not go through at least a milder form of detox.
I think the doctors all thought he was just really anxious. (I did have a meeting with his psyciatrist and there was so much to go over I forgot to talk about that part - also his psyciatrist talked about how anxiety was the first 'issue' which eventually led to drinking as a coping mechanism and that there are programs that teach how to drink responsibly!!) I was so infuriated that he said that infront of my husband as it basically made him think he's ok, just anxious, he can drink like normal people he just has to learn how! There is no learning how, he's tried over and over again and failed and gotten worse and worse - obviousy he ended up suicidal in a psych ward!
I'm so frustrated because I am absolutely 100% conviced that alcoholism is the main issues, the foundation that needs to be addressed before my husband can even begin to get better. He can go to all the therapy and take all the meds he wants, but if he's constantly drunk, it won't do anything. He's been sober for 3 days now, attending AA, and he is like a totally different person. When he's been drinking - all his other issues, mental health and otherwise, are so much more intense and unmanageable - he's an anxious mess, he can't focus, can't concentrate, he's paranoid to the extreme, skittish, mean, rude, incoherent ect... When he's sober, he's a lovely, kind, caring, compassionate, normal man. I'm worried all his doctors have no idea how bad his drinking was/is.
I know I need to focus on me, not make his problems my problems ect...oh I've read all the Codependency books and I just can't stop worrying and I'm wondering how a bunch of medical professionals didn't see how bad his drinking is? I"m beyond frustrated. My husband also goes to a program through the addictions foundation, called the Moving Forward program which is for those addicts who are not ready to stop altogether - since starting that program though, he finally told me that he thinks he needs to stop drinking altogether. He had this moment of clarity after I caught him lying to me about getting fired from his job. After his stay in the psych ward, he had 30 days to mail something to his work, he didn't, he also didn't return any of their phone calls, so they fired him. After I freaked out about that is when he told me he has to stop drinking forever - then he went to AA that night and bought the Big Book. So, maybe getting fired was his 'bottom' who knows. Sometimes I think me leaving him will be his bottom but I Love him and want the man I married back, he's such an amazing person when he's sober, and, I'm worried about what will happen if I leave.
I know he downplays the severity of his drinking to all the medical help he has (which is lots right now due to his stay in the psych ward).
Sorry for the long rant, can anyone relate? I've read that alcoholism, over time, can lead to major depression and there was this study I was reading that showed that when A's got sober all there mental health issues became way better, more manageable, or dissapeared completely. So, why is alcoholism not the focus of the doctors?
Thanks for listening:)
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 12th of November 2010 12:49:59 PM
Unfortuatly medical professionals are not as educated on addiction issues as we would like them to be. In fact many doctors are addicts themselves ( this is factual) so they tend to downplay addiction issues. There are so many addicts/alcoholics out there that are self medicating for the mental health issues they are dealing with. They don't understand what is going on in thier minds but they know if they drink enough to take enough drugs they feel more normal ( whatever normal is). I have major anxiety disorder and take medication to keep it in check. Without the medication I will exibit the same symptoms you described your husband is showing. I get very fidgety, have to move can't concentrate etc. I have found with this program I can manage my anxiety a lot now with meditation and prayer. I hope your husband continues with AA At this point you need to concentrate on your recovery...get to meetings, work the steps get a sponsor...if you are already doing this get the focus back on you. The good people of AA will support your husband through his issues, his recovery is his to own Your job is to work on you Keep posting Blessings
Thanks xeno for your reply! :) I need to start going to Al-anon meetings and get a sponsor, I know I do. I just feel so overwhelmed, I know that's no excuse. I know, or at least I've heard from shrinks and therapists and read about how his recovery is his own, and I accept that, I want him to focus on himself, get better, got to AA, make that a priority, find support through fellow AA members ect...
But, I honestly think my husband would be dead right now if it wasn't for my 'meddling'. So, it's hard to just let go.
The only reason I found out about my AH's researching suicide (and he looked it up a lot, ways to do it, how many pills he would have to take, what the symptoms would be ect..., it was VERY scary what I saw). The only reason I found out was because of Spy/Monitoring Software I had previously installed on our computer so I could see what he was up to whenever I am suspicious of something (he once had an inappropriate online and phone relationship with some other girl).
Anyway, my husband researched suicide in private browsing mode (where no history files are kept), he then cleared all the history anyway, and the cache and basically did everything he could to cover his tracks - so I wouldn't see what he was looking up. He has a plan and a means to kill himself the next day.
My shrink told me to remove that software. If I had, my husband would be dead right now. So, I have an extremely hard time letting go of everything. I know my husband better than anyone ever could, better than he knows himself, and trust my instincts (they have never been wrong) more than I trust any therapist.
I was getting a lot better at detaching, then the suicidal thoughts came on, now, I'm worse again and can't stop thinking about what will happen if I detach enough, if I stop paying attention, if he hurts himself, I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life. It's awful.
I am not sure if being an addict makes any difference as far as mental health issues.
People who suffer with disease have a much higher % of being depressed which is a mental health issue A or not.
Many doctors don't want to look at addict issues. Their focus is on their specialty. Many know nothing about it. They don't have to learn about it.
What difference would it make? Sounds like he is already doing things on his own, which is the best thing anyway!
What could docs do? Nothing. They cannot do any more than you or I. It is totally up to the A. It is important, I believe and in my experience, that docs need to know when one is an A.
My A had a medical relapse from the hundreds of pain meds he got after a brain surgery. Of course he abused it.
This is a great share.
This is also why we need to stay out of it. It is their disease, not ours. Getting involved makes us sick. Our way to be involved is to attend Al Anon, learn skills, and love them.
You know we hear we are what we eat? Well it fits with drugs too. When he uses he is going to be worse as far as the other mental health issues. Makes sense.
My A is a mess of mental health issues. Multiple personality disorder being one. He was horribly abused as a child, whole family was. Put that with his addictions, and depression, bi polar. Yep.
We can read all we want, go to meetings etc. But until we apply the skills we are still sick and getting sicker. This is part of it all. We get it when we do, and no one can push us to. Just like the A.
For a Dr. to say your A didn't detox was really ridiculous. Even if he wasn't a expert in addiction, he should know better. He certainly did if he was there for 2 wks with no alcohol. Detox means no alcohol or drugs for whatever length of time it takes to get it out of their system. It doesn't mean a person has to do "as seen on TV".
In any case, no matter what any Dr. says, unless the alcoholic faces the disease it will persist.
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yes, I have experienced this with my now-recovering AH. Since I have struggled with and successfully controlled my depression for many years, I knew that he had anxiety and depression. I also felt strongly he was medicating those problems with alcohol. His mood issues became so bad in the years leading up to him accepting he is an A that he saw multiple therapists, an ADD specialist, even a hypnotist(!). But during all this time, quitting drinking was never an option to him.
Finally, he hit his "bottom" this past summer and went into an outpatient treatment program. He has 4 months of sobriety now. I agree with the poster who said that many docs, even psychiatrists and other therapists, simply do NOT understand addiction. He even told several docs he drank (though downplaying it) and still they gave him antidepressants. At the end, he even had an Rx for Ritalin, which is extremely addictive.
My experience leads me to the conviction that the alcohol issue HAS to be addressed FIRST or there is little hope for improvement in the underlying mental health issues. Now that he is sober, his mood issues are much better. He has recently started with a psychiatrist who is very experienced in alcoholism issues and who is taking his time before handing myAH any meds. I hope that he can achieve better mental health starting with the fundamental building block of sobriety.
Danielle0516: I believe strongly that a lot of AH have mental health issues. I for one have two alcoholics in my life that both have bipolar disorder. They manage their lives both w/ AA & take meds. to take care of their mental health. I guess I am a strong stickler on taking care of both issues w/ the help of a MD who specializes in one or both issues. I have also discovered that many AH have bouts w/ depression. I know I am not licensed to diagnose anyone. And yes, I agree w/ the idea about getting to as many meetings as you can & getting a sponsor. I have a great one who has a lot of time in the program. I don't know how long I would have lasted in the program if it weren't for my sponsor & all the ladies especially that helped me through the low points in my own recovery. I hope this helps you although it is very long. I am sorry. Kathleen
Totally understand your need to rescue your husband while he had suicidal ideations. My son OD'd one night right here in our home, he lives downstairs and knowing he was high I went in in the middle of the night to "check" on him. My son would stay up for days and nights until he would just crash and I thought it was my job to stay up with him as he had OD'd before and I certainly wasn't going to let that happen on my watch. So this one night when I checked on him, he was unable to verbalize anything for a long time, he appeared to be having mini siezures or a stroke. Of course we dialed 911 and by the time they got there son was able to say he had been trying to kill himself ( so I "get it" believe me) the police documented his statement, the paramedics documented it and they took him off to the hosp. We did not go with him as on previous occasions he seemed to find our presence disturbing and would be uncooperative with the medical staff as he would just want us to take him home. But I called the ER and reiterated the police and paramedic reports that this was a suicide attempt....the hosp couldnt have cared less. They called us back a few hours later to come get him. I asked if the crisis team had been there to evaluate him yet, they said "well no". I said we will not pick him up until he is evaluated thinking for sure they would put a hold on him and get to the root of his problem. Well by the time the crisis team strolled in our son had pretty much sobered up and took back all that he had said, they would not put a hold on him and evaluate him UGH! After that everytime we would argue our son would throw back into our face "I will just go kill myself then and everyone will be happy" of course being parents we then tried to smooth everything over. I finally talked to another member of the fellowship who reminded me that my son was killing himself a little bit everyday right in our home, that if he truly wanted to die we were again powerless to stop it. He too would do research on everything but he has his own computer which I've no idea how to even work. But this fellow member was right, I was powerless over my sons actions and it truly breaks my heart. No parent should ever out live thier child and my life would be over should my son succeed in his efforts to kill himself. And he held that threat over our head for the longest time. I was trying so hard to work my program and not get emeshed in his disease, I felt like I was being pulled in several directions..what to do? One night after an argument my son annouced he was going out to kill himself and although it went against every fiber of my being and I was literally squeezing the arms of the chair trying not to react, I just stayed quiet, i didnt say a word. And he walked out the door and I fell into a puddle of tears knowing i had just signed his death warrant. I was a complete total mess. An hour later my son walked back through the door very angry he said " I just told you i was going to kill myself and you let me walk out the door and you didn't even go looking for me" that told me he was hanging around close by to see what we would do, when he didn't get his desired effect he was pissed. And I just told him what had been told to me I said " son you are killing yourself everyday, unwilling to seek help, you want me to accept your decision to use drugs, knowing you can die at any moment and now you are angry that we allowed you to make your own decision and didn't interfere" He was totally silent after that and surpisingly enough he never threatned suicide after that. I know your husbands situation is a bit different and maybe I sound cold hearted to you, I assure you I am not. I am fully aware of the risk I took that night, I am also fully aware that if I allowed him to keep holding us hostage to his threats I would have been set so far back in my program I may have never found my way back. In working my program I am now also fully aware that I am completly powerless over my son's choices, everyone has to hit a bottom and I know for some that bottom may be death. These are things I have to accept...but I do not have to watch it or enable it anymore. My son has been on a jail rehab unit the last 10 months or so. He has recieved private counseling in addition to rehab and I can only pray that now that he is thinking with a clear head he will start to make rational decisions. What we have decided is that he is an adult and needs to take some respondsibilty for his life so once he is out of jail he will not be coming home this time. We have him set up to go to a sober living home for a while then he can transition into his own apt. Should he decide to go back to drugs I can no longer watch it on a daily basis because that was killing us slowly too. I have a lot of hope he will stay on track but no longer "expect" it. He knows we are only a phone call away and will support him in all his efforts in staying sober but if he relapses then he is going to have to take repondsibilty for that and not "hide out" in our home. I truly am praying for your husband and that he finds the answers he is looking for and the recovery he needs...also praying for you to remain strong and work your program. Blessings
Thanks Debilyn for your reply! :) I am trying to stay out of it, and it does get easier, but it's still hard.
Hard because my AH still talks to me about it -how he's feeling, how AA is helping, what he learned, so...I don't really want to say: "that's your issue, I prefer to stay out of it". I'm still not sure how to stay out of things, where's the line?
Also hard cause it is difficult to break patterns of behavior. Also hard because everything my AH has done towards recovery, to get better, is because I pushed him, said things, had talks, all of this combined, with many ups and downs in between, eventually made him see how much better he is sober. How everything in life is actually manageable when he's sober.
If it wasn't for my guidance and persistence, my husband wouldn't have gone to AA, he certainly wouldn't have gotten a sponsor, he wouldn't have gone to emergency for suicidal thoughts, which means he wouldn't have ended up in the psych ward, which means he wouldn't have the psychiatrists, social workers, addictions councilors, anxiety groups, psychologists, and mental health nurses he has today - helping him, guiding him and providing him with the tools he needs to get better. He would have none of this if it wasn't for me.
Maybe five years down the road he would have 'seen the light' on his own - but what could have happened in 5 years? A DUI, possibly hurting someone else, hurting himself? I'm new and obviously still very sick with my own disease but I don't see how my meddling which led my AH to get all this support is a bad thing?
I do believe that my AH does in fact have mental health issues, GAD for sure and bouts of depression. I suppose I was saying I"m frustrated that the focus remains on those issues as opposed to on alcoholism - because if my husb remained drunk all day all the time - doesn't matter how many meds or anxiety support groups he goes to - they won't help.
My husb has been sober for 4 days now and he is a completely different person, completely different! His mood is already up, he handles everything better, returns phone calls, he has been productive accomplishing things he's had to do around the house for 6 weeks and never started doing until 4 days ago. He's not fidgety all the time, paranoid, skittish, irritable ect....I'm certain this is because he hasn't been drinking and not because coincidentally his meds started working 7-8 weeks in.
He is a completely different person, it's night and day. Unbelievable difference - if his doctors could see that difference in him, perhaps they wouldn't so easily up the dosage of his meds, and blame anxiety and depression.
His doctors do know he's an alcoholic, but I believe there is a big difference between knowing someone is an A and actually hearing stories of what that means, what he's done, how bad it was. It's too simple to just hear he's an A and think - "oh he drinks too much we'll get that under control"... it's quite another story and more shocking and eye opening to hear: "He's such a bad alcoholic that he was pissed drunk and noon and almost fell off a cliff, that he knocked over his 2 year old niece and made her cry then picked her up, dropped her accidentally, then laughed about it while she was screaming, that he almost burnt the house down, the list goes on and on.
I think that unless a person has personally experienced the effects of alcoholism, unless someone very close to them struggles with it - to simply say person X is an A - really doesn't mean much, you can't possibly fathom the repercussions of this disease unless you experience and live through it.
Thanks Christy, I think it's ridiculous too and stupid to say cause of course, it made it easier for my husb to blame his problems with alcohol on something else.
My husb even told me he thinks he detoxed...he was sweating, really jittery, more anxious. I guess his Blood Pressure wasn't high enough for long enough and his heart rate wasn't fast enough for long enough?
When he was admitted his BP and heart rate were through the roof, they settled down to normal on about day 4.
Doctors blammed anxiety.
MY AH is at an AA meeting right now, this is his 4th day sober so he's doing a lot better...I suppose I have to start getting better too!
xeno59, My heart breaks for you and my thoughts are with you. Stay strong. I have an 11 yr old daughter who I love more than anything and I just simply cannot imagine what you've been through. Sometimes doctors are infuriatingly frustrating - they focus too much on getting the patients in and out to open up the beds which obviously decreases the quality of care.
Perhaps one day I'll find the same courage and strength you've found...I hope so as I feel crazy at least at some point everyday. I feel normal when I"m out, away from my husb, out with friends or my daughter or doing something else that distracts me.
I also feel better when my husb is better, like right now because he's sober, but I know that's also bad...I should just focus on me and not make my happiness dependent on how my busb is doing. Be happy for me. I will keep trying.
I hope your son makes it and stays on track when he's out and living in his apartment. Perhaps this new independence will be really great for him...what he needed. My thoughts are with you.
Hi Kathleen, thanks for replying. I believe too that it's best to deal with both issues - alcoholism and mental health, I just strongly believe that my husband's mental health issues, depression and anxiety, have little to no chance of improving if he's drunk all the time. You're not supposed to drink alcohol on anti-depressant medication - he's on Effexor. I've seen how much better he is sober, how all the symptoms of his anxiety are suddenly manageable.
You're reply has helped me - thank you:) I will try my best and get a sponsor, I know I need one.
Cloudsea, thanks for sharing your story - it has been helpful and makes me feel less alone. My husband too blammed all his issues on everything other than alcohol for the longest time.
Through the Addictions Foundation my husb found a therapist who specialises in addictions - his first appt is in a week and a half so hopefully this therapist won't be so quick to up his meds or just not focus enough of the addiction part of his recovery.
I'm positive my husb can significantly improve his mental health if he remains sober...being sober and thinking clearly, I strongly believe, needs to be the foundation, the beginning before everything else can fall into place.
