The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started going to Al-Anon in February, so it's been 8 months. I haven't been a complete regular, but I do okay. However, I feel like I am getting nowhere. I can't talk! I am scared to open up. There is no reason for me not to. The other people are wonderful and kind and give me ample opportunity to speak. Tonight one lady addressed me directly, putting me "on the spot" (not in an unkind way...I think she was just telling me that it's about time I speak!). I was glad she did, because I WANT to talk...I just have trouble doing it. I answered her question, everyone listened and it felt good...but I left frustrated b/c I know I could be so much farther along in my recovery if I would just open up!
Anyways, thanks for listening. This board seems like such a "safe place".
Maybe posting here will be a start....get you in the habit of "opening up".....I may also point out that "learning to open up" could be part of your recovery, an area that is in need of your attention. I know what it's like to beat yourself up over what you don't do.....but you've attended meetings for 8+ months.....that's worthy of praise right there. YOu're trying to learn to open up...another thing that's praiseworthy and it requires alot of "guts" to do something that you are afraid of. From one who is trying to learn this same lesson:....be gentler on yourself. Maybe getting a sponsor to talk to may be easier than speaking in front of a group. It'll come.
MJ's response and ES&H to you was well said. When I first entered the rooms of Al-Anon I found I absorbed much more by listening rather than talking. You are where you need to be and when the time comes for you to share you will know. Until that time comes be patient with yourself.
It took me a really long time to open up in meetings. Even now, my face turns red and feels hot, and I stammer and can't think of anything to say. I spent my whole life trying to not be noticed - like, ever, for any reason, whether it was good or bad. It feels very uncomfortable to have people's attention focused on me in meetings. I've been going for 2 years now - although I do share now, it's usually brief and still accompanied by the red, hot face. I was able to share my story in an open AA meeting a couple of months ago, which is something I thought I'd never be able to do. It is the progress that matters.
Keep on doing what you're doing - the sharing will come a little at a time. It's perfectly okay.
It is difficult and can take some time. Sounds like you have a start! Just do what you are comfortable with and I believe your ability to do this more with grow.
Sharing in meetings was SOOOO hard for me. Once I started it changed my life. I have to do public speaking to large groups often - and have for 15 years. It has always been so terrifying and almost makes me physically ill.
Guess what? No problem now! If I can go in and speak of my deepest fears and problems with a group I sure can train some folks!
One day at a time and so glad you can come here and share your heart with us! We are blessed to be a part of your growth.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I think.... your post is a wonderful example of how our respective recoveries have many aspects.... MIP is definitely one, but it is also a bit of a 'hiding place' from reality, when we need/want it to be..... F2F meetings are much more "real", so to speak, and for some - a lot more intimidating....
I don't think you should worry about it - going to the meetings, even if just to listen, is all good.... there is an old saying that we are "exactly where we are meant to be" in our own recovery....
You will speak when you really need to, and when you are "sick and tired of being sick and tired"....
Easy Does It....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think ( at least for me ) opening up and speaking my mind had always been a dangerous thing to do while I was growing up. So needless to say trying to open up about my feelings and experiences is a terrifying thing for me. Now I have a big mouth lol so speaking up in different circumstances, like i can certainly speak up when it comes to other peoples issues is a very easy for me cause it takes the focus off of me. Take your time and when you feel comfortable and safe enough to talk...your words will come Blessings
Opening up is not an the easiest or most pleasant thing to do. I can tell you what worked for me -- I went into the chat room here and attended the meetings online. Perhpas you could get to some, online here and practise sharing in that meeting. I did go back to f2f five years ago when I landed back in alanon - but I did not like it. I was more angry then ever, my feeelings and stroies of the past are intense/extreme (some of them) and I have my own issues (with add/adhd) so I cannot sit still, I fidgit up a storm (nearly always), I laugh out loud, I cry when others share (adhd - well we tend to have more intense emotions too) so I am having my own experience that others around me cannot (necessarily) relate to, so then I get the weird looks or concern or judgements. (that I perceive) Ugh LOL. I found that sharing online gave me the anonymity and total freedom to become brutally honest. That is what it takes, a lot of honesty to get anywhere in this program. So come to chat, share with us in there, practise sharing. Then maybe it will be easier to do it in person - once u get ur teeth into sharing a little bit here. In chat, when I share, I pray to god/HP to speak thorugh me or help me - then begin sharing, I never know what I am going to say. So many times (esp early in program first 1-3 yrs) I would begin talking about something that I had not previously pondered, like it comes up and out right as I share it. It has been so enlightening and I doubt I would have had the same rate of growth had I been trying to share all of me in f2f mtgs. I dont want others pity, no one does. We want to be heard, understood - not pitied.
When I did go to f2f regularly (25 yrs ago) I would get there early, talk to others before and after (helped me get more comfortable to be able to share), set up the cofffee and donuts or whatever I could, to be useful and feel more connected with the others there. Talk to people after the mtg, go for a coffee, get a bite, whatver. Share your phone number and get other's numbers too. This is a fellowship and we can all lean on each other to support each other and grow together in the process.
I share openly all the time. It never gets that much easier bc the emotion is a new expereince of feeling it again, each time we go back there to our unfinished business. But dont let that scare you bc each time you do share and express it and the pain gets a little bit less (as you forgive & turn it over to HP and do the best u can right now) u get practise at feeling - dealing - healing it (a process) and then it is a lil road map for the next time. The only way over it is through. Breathe, feel ur feelings, dont be afraid of them bc they cant kill you, it is to be felt and then let go/forgiven. This is what it means when we say all things pass.
Our feelings do pass, when we feel them through. If at the height of the wave of the energy - we do something like create a big emotional outburst (say with the A)- that doesnt help us as it feeds the disease- if we ignore us that feeds the disease. Honor your true feeling and once you do, the wave of the energy is dissipated and then we can see and think a little more clearly. Then after waiting 5-10 minutes - instead of reacting and feeeling it - then we can actually get to a response.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
