The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Does the spouse of an A have any say or opinions in the home? I really would like an answer to this question? Are we to let the A spouse do what they want and we are to understand because they are sick?. How do we manage to keep our identities and protect who we are? Today I failed again because I peacefully gave my opinion on something pertaining to the home but instead of talking about it, he fired off, and then I tried to explain myself, then he blamed me like he always blames me saying that I was starting a war? Huh? I walked away feeling guilty because if I hadn't responded it wouldn't have went that way. This same type of scenario repeats on almost a daily basis. I'm walking on my toes around here wondering when he's going to fly off the handle next. I'm disappointed in myself. Why do I bother talking to him at all as it feels like I'm setting myself up for the same pattern of emotional abuse over and over again.
The answer to your first question do we have a say or opinions in our home? Absolutely.
Are we to let the A spouse do what they want and we are to understand? We only have control over "us" not the A in our life, but we don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. Each person can determine what is unacceptable.
I have to remind myself almost daily that it's the disease. I can remember saying to my AW, "All I did was ask a simple question, I don't deserve nor will I listen to you rant and rave, we can talk later". Then I would detach.......(and not with love 100% of the time.) LOL. My serenity comes first. I need to always put myself first. By detaching and not reacting....that is exactly what I am doing. I have made it a habit. I don't feel guilty. I don't have any second thoughts. Walking on my toes around the eggshells are history.
Sometimes we can "react" by "not reacting", and over time the A's in our life will come to realize they can't push our buttons, because when they do, our reaction is consistant.
When I first started attending f2f meetings I didn't like hearing that "we have to change". After all I wasn't the one with the problem. Over time I realized that by me making small changes I could make my life better, by controling the things I can.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 11th of November 2010 04:07:02 PM
One thing I remember in the first few meetings I went to was: You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to. In the same way my sponsor said that I don't have to play every game I am asked to play. I spent 9 years in an abusive relationship, I know that I got drawn back in every time because of his great apologies and words of love and so on. Eventually I learned that if I wanted to change things, I could only change me. He still wouldn't change his angry ways. I had to leave. I divorced him. I am working on putting me first and not allowing people to treat me disrespectfully, including my kids and my bf. It is hard to take back the control of you, but it can be done. And you don't have to walk on eggshells. You can use I statements and mean what you say and say what you mean without saying it mean... Take care of you :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
They call it walking on eggshells. When and what are they going to blow up about? Are they going to blame us, again? It finally dawned on me that there were two people in the room. Him and me. It takes two to argue. He would blame me and totally shut down. I would beat myself up about saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, etc. Because he told me it was my fault. But as I said there were two of us in the room that caused the screwed up conversation. Some were provoked; that is we are set up to be the fall guy.
