The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If happiness is an inside job, and I agree it is...but doesn't the outside matter as well? Aren't some situations in life more conducive to happiness and others less so? Is the grass at least sometimes greener on the other side? I really have a hard time accepting the opposite of those above thoughts. I've been doing better the last few weeks (until today) but really what did I do differently? I distracted myself. I focused on the good things in life, developed some new appreciation for things (most recently my job....that I've actually enjoyed it during many stretches each day) but I wasn't dealing with what was wrong....really just ignoring it, or being in some form of denial. Yes, I have it better off than some and not as good as others.....but don't I have any ability to make things better? Is it really just a question of accepting everything that happens to me, or that's going on in my life? I enjoy cooking and playing guitar, playing with my dog and doing things with my daughter, but I feel this frantic effort to find distractions all the time because once I look at what's going on in my life, I don't feel so happy. I'm generally disappointed. Shouldn't picking healthier people in my life be better for me? Would make a difference for me? What about a job that's more enjoyable or pays better? What about having better health? Yes I can work on these things but do I have the power to actually improve anything that much? Or is it a matter of "shut up and stop your whining and just accept that this is what you have and it's never going to change so get used to it."?????
MJH, your posts today remind me so very much of a dear friend who struggles with many of the same issues. He does not have an A in his life, but there are many, many things about his life that make him unhappy. He is often overwhelmed by those things, and says almost identical things to your statements (just "accepting" that his life isn't what he wants it to be, general disappointment, frustration at his aging body).
My take on the situation is that what you call "distracting" yourself is the beginning stages of *choosing* to focus on the things about your life that you enjoy and that bring you happiness. It is a process that will take time. Congratulate yourself for your victories in being able to focus on those things, if even for a short time. Your life IS changing. You ARE changing. Celebrate that, even if the process is painfully slow and you are frustrated with the lack of results on any given day. Be kind to yourself, MJH. Progress is progress, even when you have such high expectations of yourself.
Is the grass ever greener? I think...sure it is. Sure, you can surround yourself with different people and it might make your life easier in some ways. But practically speaking, to disentangle yourself from unhealthy people is a difficult, painful process (even moreso when you are talking about a co-parent...I have TONS of experience in that department). Part of your process will undoubtedly involve examining your own dysfunctions, and determining how you can manage them in relation to the people in your life. If you decide that your dysfunctions/issues/triggers cannot co-exist with someone, it will be up to you to set the proper boundaries, which may ultimately involve little or no contact. But my admittedly brief ESH in this area is teaching me that it won't be possible for me to really "pick healthier people in my life" until *I* am healthier.
Thanks, Steph...I really needed to vent today and each time I do and get responses, I start to process it to come to some sort of realization or decision.
When I feel bad, I call my sponsor and she helps me turn my thoughts around. Right now, I need that and her in my life to help me do that. I realize one day I may not have to call her, or text her so much. I told her once that I think I need like 5 sponsors to help me with all my crap, she laughed and helped me through that too. I am not sure if you have a sponsor, but this program and my sponsor have helped me more than any expensive therapy ever did.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
((((((((((MJH)))))))))))))))) of course the outside matters, however if you get the inside thinking straight you - and this is my experience - will find that the outside starts to change colour. Instead of looking murky grey it because vibrant and the colours develop.
And yes some situations are most definitely more conducive to happiness than others. However, your situation is what it is today and until you chose to change that situation you need to change your response to that situation in order to regain sanity and health and happiness AND learn methods to adopt strategies as well as use the al-anon tools to live with that situation or change the situation for something you feel is more acceptable to you.
That choice can only be yours.
You are being very hard on yourself at the moment, but that is not all bad, it just means that you are challenging your situation, your choice, and what is acceptable to you and for you.
The beginning of knowing that we are not willing to continue in the same situation helps us to focus on US and what we want to change for US. BUT and I stress that BUT, we need to be aware that we are only able to change US and no one else.
Changing things in you is a very proactive occupation. Just thinking about what is not acceptable and recognising what we want in its place is the first step. Getting what we want has to be realistic and achievable. Recognising these two facts then helps us to WORK towards goals that are achievable without hurting ourselves as long as we do not have expectations of others meeting the goals that we might want or feel need to be set for them or have for them. The goals MUST BE for ourselves alone, and if changes are to be made, they can only be met in ourselves for ourselves. We are bound to fail if we have expectations of others to change because they can only change what they chose in themselves for themselves, in the same way that it is unrealistic to expect the A to stop drinking FOR US. THEY have to CHOSE TO DO it FOR THEMSELVES.
I found that writing a gratitude list each day kept me grounded and focussed on ME and I kept the negative away by purposefully focussing on the positive things in my life.
Some days I could only find one or two things to be grateful for, other days I did better but never a day went by when I found NOTHING to be grateful for. By the end of the week the list was usually very impressive and given time it helped me focus less on the negative and more on the positive.
Health is not only physical, but mental and spiritual too. This disease take over all of these. Depression does not cause pain, but pain can cause depression. However, depression can mess with pain-gates, that I learnt through a prolonged pain management programme that I attended over many weeks, and the psychology of pain was truly eye-opening. When we are happy pain is easier to manage and live with. Why, because happiness releases Endorphines into the blood stream. Laughter is great for doing this. The more we are up-beat, the less we are depressed. That is possible simply by smiling and if that is possible by smiling just think of the effect of laughing.
So, what my doctor taught me became second nature and proved to be VITAL to my progress and recovery and pain management programme...she said, "In order to kick the depression laugh, if you cannot do that, smile, if you cannot do that, think of something positive and I challenge you to finding at least ONE positive each day. I promise that if you think about it openly you WILL NOT FAIL to find at least one thing and from there on it will become easier."
"It matters not who wins the game, it matters more how you PLAY the game."
Attitude, if you think you cannot you will not, if you think you can you will.
I LOVE your posts because they show ME where I have come from, and for THAT alone I am so grateful for YOU on this my difficult day.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah on Thursday 11th of November 2010 05:14:43 PM
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
There are always good and bad things that are going to happen in your life. No avoiding it. What you CAN do is work your program so you are equipped with the tools to handle the bad and enjoy the good. There was a time when I couldn't see any good in my life or in myself, I mean absolutly NONE. So i understand where you are coming from. And people telling or lecturing me on all the blessings I had and it meant less than zero to me. I had no hope for any happiness in my present and certainly not in my future. I wasn't sucidal or anything I was just resigned to live my life in total misery. The only problem with that was I was making my loved ones miserable too. And they didn't deserve that. So while I landed here in Alanon because of my sons addiction I found working the program and applying the principles caused me to change ALL aspects of my life. As painful and horrific it is that my wonderful son suffers from this disease, and my brother is dying from it. I have actually found peace and happiness that I once did not think I deserved. You deserve it too Blessings
