The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
And I get it...there are things that need changing about me. And I'm working on that too. But there is this nagging thought. What if i change and it's still not enough? That I'm not happier enough to feel a difference, that things at home really don't improve that much, that I put in 99% work for a 1% improvement. (Being dramatic on those numbers to make a point). Part of me feels that I can't can't totally detach from my circumstances. I can up to a point, but I can't float around on cloud nine and have nothing in my life upset me or get me down. Yes I can improve, but it feels alot like different things in my life I tried to improve (like guitar lessons and practicing)....only to feel like I'm not really THAT much better than I was 6 months ago. I find that very disheartening. I'd like to have faith that eventually there will be a big difference, but I feel I"ve been disappointed too many times. Life's MO for me seems to be "work really hard to change (fill in blank), see a little change and deal with it because that's as good as it's going to get." I really feel discouraged by that.
It seems as usual all I can do is the little momentary distractions in life. Forget about big changes because they aren't going to happen. It seems the only big changes in my life have only been negative! The positive stuff takes for ever and seems relatively small. Even health is worsening. I know its part of getting older but it's inevitable and just makes my point. I'm getting surgery for torn cartlidge in the knee, had a tooth crack, arthritis in ankle and both knees...and there is very little I can do about it. No matter how well I take care of myself from here on in, these things will only get worse over time...I cant' stop it, nor can I ACCEPT it because it sucks.
enough for what?? If you are working on changing you, with the goal of saving your marriage/wife/relationship, then perhaps you might want to reconsider... The "change" is for you to be able to enjoy your life more - there is no destination in mind - in fact, it really is the journey that is the key.....
All of this stuff is really up to you, in every sense of the world... there is a somewhat tongue-in-cheek saying regarding Al-Anon and our respective recovery.....
"Try us for six months.... if you don't want to stay, your misery will be fully refunded"
This program works, if you work it....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am not sure, but when I was able to ask someone to sponsor me, and I really began to work the steps, I started to feel better. This program has worked more for me than any expensive therapy I ever got. I am not totally happy all of the time, but little by little, I am getting happier. I am learning to accept me. I really do believe that this works if you work it. Do you have a sponsor? It may help to find one... Hugs! I really do love your shares!
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
And RECOVERY IS WORK too. You don't get anything for free and it is not delivered on a silver platter.
I have said this before and I will say it again:
IT IS ALL IN THE STATE OF THE MIND. If you think you can't you won't; if you think you can you WILL.
I had a book when I was a child and the tile of this book was "The Discontented Pony". Think about it, are you being a discontented pony? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence?
You sound like a spoilt child at the moment and I know you aren't. We ALL grow old and have wear and tear, that is part of life. BUT, as I remember someone saying (wish I could remember who said it) - and this goes back a couple of years on this very forum - HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB.
Praying for you today and hoping you will see the wisdom of NOT looking over the fence and IMAGINING that the grass is greener on that side - 'cos in actual fact in more cases than not it is NOT greener on their side of the fence. Just be glad that you have grass on your side of the fence and give thanks you are not living in a desert.
Keep on working at ONE STEP AT A TIME and be satisfied with that for today. You are in training to run the marathon now so don't expect to win the CUP yet. The race has not yet started.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I agree with the health issues. I just turned 40 and I am having appt after appt after appt. It is very disheartening and very costly. But I realize I need these things done if I am to enjoy my later life, which I plan on enjoying every minute.
Make your changes and make your fun. You only get one...
I remember hearing what CG mentioned at one of my very earliest meetings.
"Give us 90 days and if you feel this isn't for you after that period of time we will gladly refund your miseries." That is a horrible thing to say I thought and the thought of continuing or getting my miseries back made me almost physically sick on the spot however I realized that they knew what they were talking about and I knew nothing other than the consequences of "my" life sucked and somehow I was responsible for the condition of it.
Last night's meeting subject was on fantasy and illusion...part of that subject is the "What ifs" and attached to that the fortune telling and projecting into the future. It is all futile except if I keep doing it as a justification for failure and the need to blame others for my horrible lot in life.
What the program suggests is that we offer or suggest from our experiences only and not to give advise. It is up to the other member to take the suggestion or not and work with it or not. What has worked for us in recovery is given to us by others who have had it work for them. It is my consequences after doing the work the inventory that tell me either that I need more or I haven't done the work or that what has been suggested to me is working because I also have worked it. Welcome to the work...If what you are doing isn't matching up with what is being suggested you're doing "your" program and that hasn't ever worked. Hope you are not comfortable doing that because from this side of the listening it doesn't sound very sane even while it sounds very familiar because it is also what I use to do until I just stopped and surrendered to the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups as suggested.
For a long time I sat in the rooms and listened to others thinking that I was "different" or a "special case"...I'm a past master at "what iffing, What if notting and but". When I started to listen to the similarities of my situation and those of other members and where they were in recovery opposed to where I was...I wanted what they had and I became willing to do what they did. It's all choices...where you are at and what you are getting is a consequence of what you are choosing...no one else is responsible.
My first question for you right now is are you going to meetings, working the steps, have a sponsor? Or are you relying solely on the message board for advice and support? 2 Big questions It's great that you are posting here and you have many people here whom you have captured thier hearts and want to help you. But as much support as we want to give you, at some point you have got to start working the program and watch the changes that will happen inside of you. Somewhat of what is you are describing I am interpreting that you are seeking some sort of life that is utopia. And thats just not life. If we never know sadness or sorrow we would never know happines If we never know hurt we would never know love If we never experienced failure we wouldn't know what success looks like You get the idea The people you meet here that may seem to have what you are striving for have worked very hard to get to that place. None of us got here over night and we sure aren't going to find total peace and serenity overnight. It is work, it is willingness to change your own behaviors, it's willing to accept people for who they are and not who we want them to be, it is willing to be able to follow the path of our HP to become the person he wants us to be. It is a life changing program if you are willing to work it. But it is also a life long program. Things are always going to get thrown your way that may put you off balance but if you work the program and use the tools then each time you will bounce back a little quicker You know my story....I came in here lost and completely broken and was willing to do what ever it took to get my life back. After 2 years I still consider myself a newbie but what I have learned so far and put into practice in my daily life allows me to have some peace of mind and actually enjoy life again. Do I have set backs? You bet! I have learned to recognize them a little quicker and I turn to the fellowship to get me back on track. My life absolutly not perfect at all...my son is still an addict and I have to live with that everyday, our finances in ruins but I have enough for a roof over my head and food on the table and today I am humbled yet greatful just to have that. I have a brother who although has been sober over 13 yrs is dying from this disease I am praying he is able to meet us at our sister's house for Thanksgiving so we can celebrate one more holiday together. Life is all how you look at and interpret it. If I took all those things I just mentioned and let it overwhelm me and start obsessing on all the things that I cannot control (which is everything and everyone except me) than I have lost the focus on myself and fallin back into the trap. All a matter of perception I urge you to really look at things you are greatful for write it down only don't put in any "but's" Like I really enjoy playing the guitar but..... All the "but's" and "what if's" will keep you stuck right where you are now. Wishing you all the best Blessings
It just goes to show you, u cannot wish yourself to anything. Taking guitar lessons and not improving that much in a half a year - geez, my exAH and my current bf are both musicians, they play for hours and hours and hours.
If everything was so easy, it wouldnt be a talent. Even talented people -- especailly the most talented - they practise things over and over and over again. It is rather insulting to see you say that, honestly. Doing things well is an art. It comes with practise. Expecting or dreaming or projecting u would be great and since u arent immediately - that is what u want to kick yourself over and for - try some gratitidue or appreciation, raise your standard. Think how incredibly talenented the talented are. It takes twenty years to become an expert at something, u think in six months will make u a genius? Talent takes a lifetime to hone.
Anyway, as long as you are starting statements with what if, you are working from a place of total fear - bc that is all - a what if will bring up.
It seems to me, the real what if - is what if you were completely happy and had absolutely everything u ever dreamed or hoped you would/could have - now feel that - and do tell, what would you be doing?
FAith is doing it anyway. So I would say, do what you would be doing anyway, if everything was "just the way you wanted". Then u can feel some happienss, right? Or chase down that line of thinking to its source and see why, why are u so afraid to allow yourself to feel joyful now? It is within you. If you look for 99% of problems and only 1% of the solution - well my friend, that is exactly what u will find. So u are sure succeeding at something here - is it what u want? How is it working for you?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If u approach your program with what are u doing for me, it isnt going to be very effective. You have to surrender and face that what u are doing has brought you to this point right now.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
