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Discerning is an issue at times for me...basically the concepts are easy....accept the things you can't change, dont' accept abuse etc. But there are things that I feel forced to accept that are unacceptable to me.
Wife has ADD....leaves the house a total disaster most days...papers strewn all over the dining room table, the floor, multiple jackets, shirts and sweaters all over the chairs and couches. Food left on the table and counters, dirty dishes piled up in the sink and the dishwasher full.
Now I understand I can do my part with some things...dishes in particular, except that it feels like I'm the ONLY one who ever does anything with this (except for the 1 or 2 times a week the wife "gets to it". I feel embarrassed when a friend drops by and walks in and sees the mess. It even feels unsanitary to me at times. I feel very resentful that when I walk in the door after work and spend the next 1/2 hour tidying up. I also don't like that my daughter is living with this and getting used to the idea that "this is how people live"....
Now I'm not a neat freak by any stretch and can't find examples of my own disorganization, but for the most part, out of consideration for others I try to pick up after myself, especially in areas used by other people. My desk doesn't have to be in order...no one else uses it...same for my closet. Not that they are a disaster...just not neat as a pin.
I find all of this UNACCEPTABLE and feel it's unfair that I either a. have to constantly be cleaning up or b. sitting on the couch with jackets all around me, papers under my feet etc.
And in case you're wondering, the wife often leaves the house like this so that I have to leave it for hours until she gets home, with no guarantee that it gets cleaned even then. She seems to feel that straightening out the living room once a week is good enough. The other 6 days we live in a pigsty unless I clean. UNACCEPTABLE to me. Yet I feel FORCED to accept it, or I lose serenity. As I've stated earlier divorce at this point is a disastrous option for me. I'd also say if the relationship were otherwise good this is not something I'd divorce over. I really cant' stand living like this. I wish she'd confine her mess to the bedroom or some other place that I don't have to live with it (bedroom is for sleeping for me, so while I'd prefer it neater it doesn't affect my daily life that much.).
This is just one example. There are other things too such as I'm at work, wife is home with daughter, and is freaking out about something (a gross overreaction usually). She calls me to vent or blame me. Now I can hang up or have other choices, but my daughter has to deal with it. I'm not there. I'm powerless over the situation. Sure if my daughter was in physical danger I could leave work, but it's emotional damage I'm concerned about. I feel forced to ACCEPT this as something I cannot change (especially at the moment) but I also find it UNACCEPTABLE and it eats at me.
Well in my opinion and only my opinion emotional/verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. The verbal abuse and the spoken or unspoken words of a parent can turn a kids life upside down. It also has an affect on a childs development. I am taking parenting classes right now in order for my husband and I to become Foster Parents and I am finding out ( emabrassingly enough ) that while we never verbally or phsyically abused our children and in our eyes we gave our children literally the perfect childhood that we never had. I am learning now how even the simplest comment to a child ( that seems perfectly acceptable to us ) is not how the child's mind percieves it. So in taking these classes we are pretty much finding out that we were doing things wrong right and left and there aren't any do overs. You know I think we all wished that when we had our kids they came with a training manuel. Well I have a training manuel now lol and can tell you the effects of abuse on a child your daughter age, things you may want to look for I can't remember if she is in counseling too but if so things you may want to bring up with the therapist. School aged children faced with abuse can react in several ways...Emotionally they can experience damage to thier self esteem ( even as you maybe building her up by talking to her and telling her how special she is etc she goes by what she is experiencing not by your words) she may behave implusively, have frequent emotional outbursts, be unable to develop coping skills to succesfully manage stressful situations. She may exibit anxiety, depression and signs of emotional distress, if a child is punished for asserting thier own ideas they will tend to assume a more dependent posture and start to lack initiative and withdraw from challenges. The child may display thinking patterns of a younger child, lack of problem solving skills and inability to organize or strcture thier thoughts, may be unable to concentrate on school work, maybe suspisous and mistrustful of adults or become agreeable and manipulative behaviors and may not turn to adults when in need of comfort. They may exibit role reversal and assume the parenting role towards the parent who appears unable to take care of them selves, they may feel unworthy, inferior around other children, have difficulty making friends, may withdraw from social contact. They may become sickly or chronically ill. I am in NO way saying your daughter is doing any of these things so please don't be angry these are just some of the behaviors children who experience abuse may react. Frankly having to learn all these things took me right back to my own childhood as I was the child of severe abuse and now I can look at these behaviors and understand why I did them. Just know that just because your daughter isn't getting beatings verbal and emotional abuse are just as serious and hold the same consequences for the child. I address this issue first as I think it is just a tad more important than the issue of your wife not cleaning up. You would leave work and find alternatives for your daughters care if she was in physical danger but not in emotional danger. Hmmm when I was a kid if given the choice of a beating or the verbal abuse you know what I would have chosen? The beating, because once the beating was done, my mother felt some remorse and I was that manipulative kid who then turned that beating into a situation where I could get something that I wanted, no matter how small ( a bowl of ice cream or watching a show on TV because then in my little mind at least I was getting some sort of reward). The verbal abuse I couldn't escape and it seemed to go on forever and there was no remorse afterward. I think if you work the program and the steps, get a sponsor and work through these issues then maybe you can find a solution to what you deem unacceptable. I can't tell you what to do as what works for me may not work for you. You have to find a solution that is acceptable to you. But remember your first priority is to put the focus on you and your daughter. I understand divorce is not an option for you now so you need to explore all the other options that may be out there for you and the only way I know how to do that is ( I will say it again ) work the program, listen to others who have walked in your shoes, work the steps, and above all pray for guidance and after you pray LISTEN and LOOK for the answers that HP is setting out for you. Your HP does not want you or your daughter to be unhappy or live in unacceptable situations. So look for what your HP wants you to do. This is the only way, by doing all the things I have mentioned that I know how to live now with some semblance of peace. Okay now for your wife being a slob so to speak. What can you do to change her? You know this answer. Nothing. I know when my kids were adolences and teens they were the biggest slobs. I could yell, beg and plead for them to pick up after themseves but it all fell on deaf ears. So I let them "have thier rooms" to be slobs all they wanted as long as no food, plates, cups were left in thier rooms. If they left stuff lying around the house I would just pick it up and throw it in thier rooms and shut the door so I didn't have to look at it. For your wife the only things I "might" do is pick up all her jackets or whatever and pile it on her side of the bed. As far as anything else I've no suggestions. No it isn't acceptable but somewhere along the lines your wife found it acceptable. My first instinct of course would be to say call in a cleaning service but i know, not to many of us could possibly afford such an option. But again I will say that if you work the program ( have I said that enough yet) you may find several options that right now you can't see. I know for me this program works in all aspects of my life, not just dealing with my son and things that at one time would send me over the edge now to me just are not that important. And sometimes you will find that some of these things just will not be important to you anymore. Again remember I am the long winded one lol. I don't know if anything I have said has or will at all help you. Just giving you my best experiences and sending you all my strenght Blessings
Thanks xeno...not long winded and not angry or upset with you....how could I be? You've tried to help so much and i appreciate it. I'm currently doing what I feel I can: daughter is in counseling, I spend as much time as possible with her, in marital counseling with wife where I will bring these issues up. But so much is out of my control....but you're right, as I get better maybe I'll see more solutions. Higher Power? Not much faith in it right now. I believe it exists but i don't find it very reactive or proactive in my life. I do pray, but I won't believe much until I see results. Funny though I'm reminded of a self help book along time ago: "YOu'll see it when you Believe it" was the title....wonder if that's true.
Hi mjhyankees. I am new here (this is my first post actually), but I read your post with fascination and it stirred something in me. I just thought I would post some of my own experience and hope that it is useful to you in someway. I can understand your frustration and your feeling like things are out of control in your life.
See, I have ADD. I was diagnosed with ADD (inattentive type) when I was in my early thirties. While I have not been in your shoes, I have been in your wife's. I also have seen how my ADD has affected my wife and how my behavior used to (and still can) drive her insane. Truly, I think living with someone with ADD can be an extremely frustrating, wearing, and miserable experience - if the ADD goes untreated. I am sorry that your serenity is constantly challenged by your wife's disorder.
Let me ask, has she been diagnosed yet by a psychiatrist? If not, that might be a first step in the right direction. I suggest learning as much as you can about ADD and learning about treatment options. GENTLY ask your wife to get tested for ADD. She might surprise you and readily accept the request.
If she has been diagnosed, is she taking medication to stimulate the production of dopamine, which will help her focus and get things done? If she is takign medication, perhaps she and her doctor have to play with the dosage some in order to increase its effectiveness.
Believe me, if you are miserable so is she. People with ADD know their lives are chaotic and that they bring that chaos to the ones around them. It is actually a pretty miserable existance. We are filled with: frustration at ourselves; guilt for our impact on our loved ones; constant stress and anxiety from our constant lack of focus; fear about what happens at home and work; shame from feeling like we are somehow not as good as others who don't have ADD; anger at not being organized, in control, on time, on top of things; and completely fatigued because we must expend more mental energy to just get through the day while juggling endless balls in the air.
What I can tell you is that, like alcoholism or another addiction, people with ADD will react negatively to criticism. Like alcoholics, we are aware of our chaos, but can be deeply injured if we feel like we are being attacked. We really want to get our lives under control but don't know how, and feel even worse if we are reminded of it. Some people - again like addicts - might resist getting treatment if they feel "attacked" by loved ones.
ADD is not as destructive as alcoholism or an addiction in my opinion, but many of the same family dynamics may be present. I think a key difference is that most people with ADD are pretty ready and willing to make a change in their lives - if only they knew how or knew what they have if they have not been diagnosed. They don't want to cling to their condition. When I was diagnosed and went on medication for my ADD it was an enormous relief and a "new beginning" for me.
Remember too, that like an addiction, there is not much you can do about her ADD. I think though, that unlike an addiction, you can be more proactive in helping her get help. You can provide support for her, but in the end you must also do what you need to do to maintain your sanity.
What I can suggest:
1. Learn about ADD, just like any other disorder or disease. Educate yourself voraciously. If you know more about what is going on, it can help you focus on maintaining your serenity.
2. Use the 12 steps for dealing with her ADD too. Like an addiction, you did not cause it, you can't control/change it, and you cannot cure it. Use what you have learned to deal with this challenge too.
3. Talk to your wife honestly and gently and ask her if she would be open to going to being tested for ADD. If she test positive, she should get treatment (medication and skills building) to learn to minimize the chaos and mess and maximize the good things that come from ADD (yes, there actually are many - increased creativity, non-linear thinking, resourceful problem solving, and more).
4. Do not enable. Just like with an addict, if you shelter them from consequences, ADDers will continue to live as they have been - in chaos and with inner turmoil.
5. If she does get help and her ADD is more or less under control, I suggest you also become active in learning what you can do to live with her condition. If she is treated you will both still have to make adjustment to your lives and how you interact with one another. Sound familiar?
. Nothing. I know when my kids were adolences and teens they were the biggest slobs. I could yell, beg and plead for them to pick up after themseves but it all fell on deaf ears. So I let them "have thier rooms" to be slobs all they wanted as long as no food, plates, cups were left in thier rooms. If they left stuff lying around the house I would just pick it up and throw it in thier rooms and shut the door so I didn't have to look at it. For your wife the only things I "might" do is pick up all her jackets or whatever and pile it on her side of the bed. As far as anything else I've no suggestions. No it isn't acceptable but somewhere along the lines your wife found it acceptable. My first instinct of course would be to say call in a cleaning service but i know, not to many of us could possibly afford such an option. But again I will say that if you work the program ( have I said that enough yet) you may find several options that right now you can't see.