The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have spent my whole life ignoring my feelings and emotions. I have stuffed them so others would be happy. I have stayed in relationships that hurt. I have gotten hurt by people again and again only to go back for more. I may have really not known what I was feeling, because I never really learned to trust myself. I let everyone else make the decisions and when I had a gut feeling to not do something, I usually did it anyway because I didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. I had no idea what I was doing. I denied I was angry, sad, hurt, etc. WHen I felt happy, I thought I shouldn't be this happy. I let people hurt me thinking that they didn't mean to do it, or they didn't know any better or that I needed to be more understanding of where they were coming from. I was too understanding, I was in total denial. I have used many things to not feel, and I think the panic attacks are part of this. It is energy all balled up inside of me that my body needs to let out. I realize I am supposed to feel. Part of my problem is that I would deny or change how I felt if someone else felt differently. I am working on going with the flow and feeling what I feel. I need to be responsible for my own behaviors and not that of another. I was in denial about all of this, that is my part. I need to let go of wanting to control how I feel. I need to know what I feel, know what I want and let it go. I know that I cannot control an outcome and if I want something I need to let it go so that I can have serenity. I am working on that... I am a work in progress.... I am not sure where this is going, but I needed to get it out. thank you for reading and responding :)
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I too used to tell myself, I am so understadning and I am but I would do that as an exercise in which to avoid me - and ignore my own needs. This is why focusing on us and determining our own true, basic needs (versus the wants and fantasies) is so crucial. Bc we can then establish boundaries around our true needs and actually get them met, instead of continuing to put others on a pedestal, put their words over us and keep jumping through the hoops of our own and other's expectations. Getting into the now was tricky and a long process for me, as u keep not forcing the ooutcomes u desire and surrender ur ego more and more, like and program just get better and easier to deal with. Focusing on the self, is empowering. Surrednering our wills to the greater one, and surredenring the reigns of our life to HP - is the practise of faith and it works when we work it. Keep on practising, u are def a miracle in progress and always remember, it is all about progress not perfection.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I think I still don't always know what I feel - and I'm still reluctant to state my opinion, even about something as silly as what restaurant I would like to eat at. This came up last night - my AH asked me where I would like to go for a date night tomorrow, and I said I didn't know, and that anywhere was fine. That's par for the course - that's pretty much what I always say. And then I let him pick and he picks somewhere and even if it's not my favorite I go along.
My AH has been a good source of support for my recovery, though. He tries to draw out my opinions and let me know that he's interested. He told me to think about a restaurant and let him know - and that he would really like it if I would choose. Sometimes support like this helps, even though I'm working to be able to feel my feelings and have my opinions and state my opinions when I'm asked without prodding. It's really a process - two years in, I still feel like I'm just scratching the surface with this.
I can identify.....I often go along just to keep peace. Recently we started couples therapy but I can the wife has no intention of working on herself. As if her behaviors and attitudes don't affect the relationship. She sees the relationship as a separate entity somehow, especially sexually, having nothing or little to do with getting along, cooperating, communicating etc. I feel I'm wasting time by going and have stated so in the therapy, because unless she works on herself, I don't see how the relationship will improve much. (I'm also tired of being the stooge that keeps adjusting his expectations etc. It's an old marriage counseler trick...not invalid mind you....of changing the things or people that can change to make things better overall. Well I'm tired of being the one to change all the time. i'm done with that.). I go along for the following reasons not necessarily in order of importance: 1. I'm trying to make the best of the situation because I can't leave now. 2. I'm hoping that ANY improvement will benefit my daughter and result in less stress for me. 3. I fear wife will be upset and therefore very difficult to deal with in the coming months If I dont' at least try. 4. I don't want to discourage her from moving in a direction to try to improve things for us or her.
But I have no enthusiasm for it. Mostly becuase I have no hope. We've done marriage counseling for years in the past for temporary improvements, only to fall right back into the same problems.
White Rabbit: I do the same thing! HA! My bf is always encouraging me to pick what I want: restaurant, movie at blockbuster, dinner to cook at home etc. I have always just said, whatever you want, but he is making me pick now. Its hard. The codependent in me wants to say "I don't care you pick", but he doesn't fall for it :) He pushes me and I am glad for it ;)
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
