The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
recently started couples counseling and basically I'm going through the motions....I don't like the way I'm treated...sure it's ok for some days but crap happens that I feel is just unacceptable way too much. I don't believe anything is going to change because she isn't working on herself at all. I'm tired of trying to make things work. I really don't want to do this but I feel I owe it to my daughter to try to at least make things peaceful at home. Man, there is a lot of resentment built from the past and ongoing stuff. She treats me well when she feels like it....I don't even care anymore. When things are good, I know they wont' last and they don't. I can't be grateful for this relationship at all.
would have loved to have you at the home meeting this evening (mj?...been around for a while why not complete your profile and stick around) where it was done from the Courage to Change daily reader on the subject of Fantasy/Illusion...7 pages of great awareness and understanding. Had you there in spirit so we'll see how that turns out later. Have you got that reader? You can find it at any Al-Anon meeting with a literature table...great read, even better bargain.
i'm not going to say i understand how you feel... I am going to say 'i have felt the same'.. just so tired.. of the disrespect, the nagging and the expectation to get everything right... the expectation to know exactly 'what he want's'...
then there's something i tried.. I tried to 'let go'.. as someone once explained it to me- letting go didn't mean running away- it meant 'just let those moods and words pass'..
when you say 'i don't care anymore'... i said that too but it wasn't the truth.. then I learned something else-- I learned that i get upset when I try and share my feelings or even just my thoughts and he responds with anger or another insult.. so i stopped. but the truth is that sharing what i have to say is important as it makes me feel better.. it is important to speak my mind to keep my sanity.. so i started saying whatever i had to-- but this time-- the response didn't affect me.. cause i spoke to speak and not to get a response in return.. it isn't easy-- in fact I am still working on this but it really helped.. if i say i like the color blue and he tells me i'm a fool cause i should like pink-- well.. doesn't change anything.. so why bother getting into an argument.. I remain loyal to my 'blue'..
I am learning to be honest in my relationships. I feel that it is ok to say things in "I statements" so that I own it. Being totally honest is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have always let the other person run the show. I am learning that this is my part in the whole circus of denial and pain. I let them carry on and hurt me because I didn't want to hurt them, when all along, I was getting hurt and I was not taking care of me. When I lived with my abusive ex husband, he did much of what you describe. It took me 9 years to leave him. I was enmeshed. I realized I couldn't control him, I couldn't change him and I sure couldn't cure his anger so I had to leave. I am so glad I did. I am a work in progress... Thanks for your share MJ!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I will tell you what every other member here told me over and over: We teach others how to treat us. ~ So if u are attemtping to change this, it will take time and strict boundaries for you to follow when u feel upset or tense or uncomfortable. You have to deal with your feelings. You have to own your own reactions, if not we continue to feel used and taken advatage of. If I ever felt bored, i was told to enJOY that. If I could not be grateful for anything, I could at least be grateful for the times it was quiet, bc I wasnt being yelled at or blamed. If u dont like how u are being treated in the moment, do something else. Only new bheavior brings about new and different consequences.
Nothing changes, until something changes - this means you can only change and control you. I realize u think she is the one with the problem, but as long as you are there, it is a "problem" of your own creating too. We do manifest our lives. YOU can change - if u really want to. Blaming her keeps you stuck and pointing the finger, and it allows u to continue to feel and be helpless and hopeless. Focus on YOU and what u can change.
The most important and vital relationship of YOUr life is with you. This was big news to me, as I always deferred to what I thought my parents wanted me to do and think and not what I truly did. I was terrified to face me bc I never had done it before. We are born "alone" and we die "alone" - singularly anyway, this life is OUR own private and personal experience. If u dont like what is around you, change your focus.
I say that to you all the time, bc I too was fixated and obsessed on other people's behavior. What they do or dont do, what they think or dont think - it is not your business. Your business, is what you think and do. MYOB MInd YOUr Own Business- I put that up on my pc monitor and foucsed on me and MYOB as much as I could. I too had to consciously focus on QTIP - quit taking things personally bc I did feel like everyone else's behavior was revolved around mine lol- when I truly was the one focusing on them and not me. Trust me, other people are busy and focusing on them the best they can anyway, which is healthy. When we focus on each other, we lose ourselves. Learn to empower yourself and get to meetings and find a sponsor, that is the way to work it, if u really want to change and succeed in program. None of us did it alone and it cannot be done alone. It all begins with you.
Take care of YOU whatver that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I've learned that it is futile to sit and wait for someone else to change. If I want change, I have to be that change. Let it begin with me.
