The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know what I'm doing. Why I am crying today. I just feel lonely, I guess. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this...my A ex boyfriend says he has been in NA with a sponsor for 4 weeks. He can't be with me and doesn't know if he ever will. But he has started a new relationship with a women who is going through a divorce with 3 small children. He lies to me about everything. I got him out of my life in all ways that I can. But I am still so sad. He doesn't want me. I should be fine, why would I want him? I know the relationship was a big lie. But, I guess I just believed it. Why do I cry? I know I should be grateful that I have a clean slate and not have to deal with an A and their destructive behaviors. It's just so unbearable sometimes. One day is fine and the next I can't stop crying. And it all seems so trivial.
Many of us feel as you do now. I'm 3 years out of a relationship with an A (addict). The more I look back on it the more I can see his principal relationship was with the drug. Sure he brought in all kinds of people, his mother, his friends, his co workers, everybody to distract from that.
When I look at my core disappointments they are always about his not being able to recognize my needs. In my perspective now, I see he was never ever able to honor his own needs. I'm more and more aware that the people who I hold close need to be able to take care of themselves. If someone can't look after their own needs (which is the essence of an addict) they can't help me with mine.
I'm sorry you are in such pain. I hope you have a copy of the book listed above (for free) Getting them Sober. I know that book helped me to revise my expectations which has been so key for me.
You are grieving a loss - completely understandable and I believe necessary for the process. I experienced the same. I got a sponsor, worked the steps, and continued to improve daily. It takes time. You will have good days and bad days. Slowly but surely, with the focus on yourself, learning more about yourself, learning to love yourself - it all becomes clearer and the pain dissipates.
Believe it not - 1 year after the fact the pain was gone and I was grateful to have experienced it. It was all consuming and searing hot pain - but it was gone - and I was glad because if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have found recovery and I wouldn't be where I am today. I don't believe it took the entire year - in fact probably much less. I became consumed with my recovery and less with the pain and before I knew it - it was gone. We got back together a year later and it didn't work out and was surprisingly painless. I had changed. What I would accept had changed. It was wonderful.
Please keep coming back. We really do understand exactly where you are and we are happy you are here sharing with us. We will hold you (virtually) through this.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I hear you....we expect others to treat us the way we want to be treated...we latch on to anyone that will give us the attentions we crave so badly....we shy away from healthy relationships because we are not healthy.....all you can do is work on yourself.
I'm not in a place to offer much hope, but just a place to share experience. Tears are a big part of my life right now too. It is a painful state to be in the midst of changing yourself and observing the changes this causes. I go back and forth between seeing these changes as losses or as gains. It's very disorienting, because your whole way of relating to yourself and others, especially the A, is up in the air, in a way. And it is EXHAUSTING, which I think makes me cry more and less able to withstand disappointments (or have realistic expectations). My plan is to keep firm on my boundaries. I feel like I hope the result will be a better relationship (or a saved relationship) with my A, but when the resentments get higher - or the fear of losing him gets higher - I don't even know what I want the result to be. And here's a little thing for hope: when I concentrate on and honor my boundaries the most, that is when I feel the strongest and the most protected. In general, anyway. For the times that doesn't work, I just have to go through the crying and depression and wait to come out the other side. I haven't really mastered any good alternatives yet to this approach. But practice, patience, purpose, perseverance, NOT perfection!. (I suspect more meetings, sponsorship and getting more in touch with HP would help with accepting yourself and your decisions - and even growing to feel good about them, as others here have suggested. But for me at least I have to get to that place of change/improvement on my own timeline, otherwise I just won't do it. If that makes sense.) Good luck in your recovery!
-- Edited by Imogen421 on Thursday 11th of November 2010 12:17:09 PM
-- Edited by Imogen421 on Thursday 11th of November 2010 12:49:38 PM
Grieving the loss of a relationship is perfectly normal. I think we can all relate to that in some way. Before I met my husband I was with an A boyfriend ( this was 30 yrs ago mind you) we were together almost 4 yrs. He had informally proposed to me so I was all over those "bride" magazines. Again remember he was an A and I was a young enabler...he was drunk or high most of the time so really totally emotionally unavailable to me, cheated on me all the fun stuff ya know. And then he had the nerve to break up with me..why? he got another girl pregnant. Even with all the evidence before me I was a total mess, I should have been celebrating this guy exiting my life and all I could think of is where I went wrong..oh yea clearly it had to be my fault. Forgotten were all the nights he was wasted, how he cheated, lied, used and manipulated me...all I could think of were the "happy times" ( there weren't that many btw ) and what I was missing out on. All I can say is my HP was sitting on my shoulder and making things postitive happen in my life even though I couldn't see it at the time. I swore off relationships for a year, I would date but no getting involved. About when my year was up HP brought my husband into my life. I got a new job and he was one of my co workers. How incredibly lucky was I. We dated a couple of years got married and the rest is history. I look back at my old relationship with the guy I thought was the "love of my life" and thank HP everyday that although I hurt incredbily at the time that I never ended up with that guy. My life would have been totally miserable and our lives complete dysfuction. I know my husband was hand picked for me by HP, he knew exactly the kind of man I needed and sent him my way. So as hurt as you are right now. know that it is ok to grieve that loss...but remember when a door is closed on us HP opens a window. Hp has better plans for you...Be on the look out as to what they are Blessings
...Be on the look out as to what they are