The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is a sex addict having an affair with a prostitute. I attend alanon bc it is the only mtg available in my area. Im having problems letting my husband work his program on his time. He attends sa meetings and shared for the first time. My frustration is believing his words but ignoring his actions. He says he wants his family back and wants the prostitute out of his life but he is still with her acting out. So afraid to make any changes. My d2 and I don't live with him.
I made a demand for him to end it this week. I made a call to another alnon member and realized my demand is setting him up for failure. I called my addict back and apologized for the demand. I don't want to contribute to the problem. I'm learning...now if only I could let go of my expectations of the outcome.
This post caused me to ask myself should a sex addict be married. I mean is it conducive to a wholesome long committed marriage? My alcoholic/addict wife had many affairs (I was one of them...it's apart of my insainity) while we were married and then I arrived at "No" being an entire sentence. She wasn't done; I was. How many things did I wan't to die from? Walking the talk takes some great assets like, courage, honesty, commitment, willingness, sanity and more. Won't do that anymore now. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I wonder everyday if today is the day my HP answers the question of stay or leave. We haven't been together in 6 months and I have been tested and have nothing. My hp was looking outfor me and my daughter. I have a hard time remembering my life before the addiction. The addiction was always present but it progressed to the prostitutes. He has beegun a destructive relationship with the pro that he won't end. He is going to mtgs but continues to act out but says he wants to stop.
I need to let go and let his hp take over but I struggle w the rejection, the loss of my family, the belief he choses her, he loves her more. I have to keep remembering she is the manifestation if his addiction. But like I said I struggle with my insecurities.
I still love the man very much but hate his disease. Im tired of words and want action!
HP loves him even more and probably would also have boundaries and positive choices in place. HP doesn't put a headlock on anyone to bring them along and I shouldn't either. My alcoholic wife had her choices when she was drinking and when she wasn't and so did I in order to have the kind of life I was responsible for me. I had to find out the difference between my own addiction and love and found out they weren't even in the same book. I wasn't loving I was working my addiction...Love is something completely different. Stay with your recovery.
How very humbling for me to read these posts. It brings home to me that those of us who have addictive personalities often stop one addiction and another one rears its ugly head. Ugh! Humbling.
There are so many excellent prayers in our programs...this one comes to mind:
God, I am now ready that you integrate my survival traits, which block me from accepting your divine love. Grant me wholeness.
Amen.
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Gratefully recovering today with the experience, strength and hope of my fellow travelers.
I've had some experience a sex addicted partner. I've also had some therapy in this arena because it so cuts deep for the addict's partner, and because the feelings of rejection and inadequacy are so powerful. It is very hard not to take the acting out personally because sex is by nature SO personal. I believe that sex addiction is a sickness, just as alcoholism is.
For me, sex addiction was actually harder to come to grips with than alcoholism because it felt like the other person's acting out was more a consequence of something I was or wasn't, or something I did or didn't do. My belief that it was my fault was just a lie, though - all of the responsibility for the acting out rested squarely with the other person. You are good enough and more. You are deserving and worthy. Don't let another person's addiction dictate to you how you feel about yourself.
I'm actually crying - this stuff is pretty painful. Please PM me anytime if you'd like to chat.
Addiction is addiction plain and simple and it only progresses until the person actually accepts and embraces recovery. Your statement of " he loves her more than me" could be said about any addiction. because weather it be sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling etc the addiction will always come first and foremost for the addict. Nothing and no one will come before it. The addict would love to have a normal relationship but the disease doesn't allow for that. They love as much as thier disease will allow and no more because nothing can jepordize the addiction. Time for you now to take your focus off your husband and what he may or may not be doing. It is not your job to judge his recovery. His recovery is his to own and yours is yours to own. Lying is a huge part of addiction. It took me a long time to get past all the lies. Today I assume everything my addict is telling me is a lie and I need to believe what I am actually seeing and feeling in my gut. I no longer argue the lies as I know now that lying is how this disease protects itself and most times the addict has to believe thier own lies because if they don't they have to admit there is a problem. Keep going to meetings, work your program and keep the focus on you and you children I have found working my own program is a full time job so if i do it right I don't have the time or the need to focus on my addict Wishing you the best Keep posting Blessings
Xeno, thank you so much for the response. Ur post reminded me to mind my own business and work my own recovery. I was doing so well...well before this last week. It is crazy how months of work and progress can so quickly be forgotten. The obsessive thoughts, the wild fantasies of the future can bring me to my knees. My addiction is just as powerful as his. My addiction lives in me and can be dormant but always ready to active. No amount of reading, journaling, posting satisfied me. I was dwelling in my addiction.
HP loves him even more and probably would also have boundaries and positive choices in place. HP doesn't put a headlock on anyone to bring them along and I shouldn't either. My alcoholic wife had her choices when she was drinking and when she wasn't and so did I in order to have the kind of life I was responsible for me. I had to find out the difference between my own addiction and love and found out they weren't even in the same book. I wasn't loving I was working my addiction...Love is something completely different. Stay with your recovery.
((((hugs))))
well said.
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Gratefully recovering today with the experience, strength and hope of my fellow travelers.
