The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been a while since I posted here but today I really needed a safe place to come and release. I have reunited with my ABF since June. He has gone back to his AA meetings. He is coming up on 20 yrs without a drop of alcohol but not much in the way of recovery. It is only these last months that he has hooked up with his sponsor and been really sharing and going to 3 meetings per week. I see a difference, he has been trying in many ways to have a better relationship but Rome was not built in a day. I find myself getting angry, resentful and I feel exhausted and drained emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am not sure I can go the length with this relationship and have been on the shelf about walking away.
I find that I am still at the brunt of his negative attitudes and anger. Most of the time I am the one who has to calm him down and reason things out. This means always being the peace maker and having to swallow my pride. It is really beginning to get to the point where I feel like I have reached my limit. He tells me that he loves me and got me a ring for my birthday, which is this Friday. We were supposed to go away for the weekend together, but I am not sure what to do right now.
We were supposed to have a little gathering here at my house for his daughter's 20th birthday. I had the plumber here yesterday and my house in disarray as a result. I had a lot of running around to do yesterday, which included getting a gift for his daughter. I am only beginning to develop a relationship with her and want it to go well. I wasn't sure what to get her so I text him and asked him and he said he had no idea. I, politely, asked him to text or call her and ask her. I really wanted to get her something she would not only like but enjoy. He isn't working right now and he had the car at the mechanic when I text him. His response was: I can't. I am busy. I suddenly felt myself getting upset. I had to call some of my recovery ladies. I was feeling resentful lately because I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I still feel like the relationship is all about "him" and this is not okay with me. I don't get simple things like " how are you feeling" when I am sick or a simple "thank you" when I have gone out of my way to do something for him or his children. This incident, I guess, was the last straw for me. I had a slip. I couldn't for the life of me understand why he couldn't do this little thing I asked, when he was sitting there waiting on a mechanic. I pulled up home to find his car parked outside. This escalated my feelings. He was home and never bothered to call or text his daughter still!!!! I was then hurt and very upset with him. I went to him and asked him why he couldn't get back to me, knowing I also had a full plate, and knowing that he was home relaxing. He got mad and slammed the door in my face. I tried calling him and he screamed at me and I yelled back. He hung up on me. I came home had a good cry, called Al-Anon friends and went to a meeting and got a good nights sleep. I got up this morning and found a text from him saying "I will stop by this afternoon. Busy day." To be honest with you, right now I need to stay away from him. I feel like I am being abused. My sponsor says I am. But it will only continue as long as I allow it. He usually gets mad and doesn't talk to me for days or pulls some other form of power/control to have the upper hand in the situation.
I don't like when I allow myself to get to this point, but clearly I have reached a point of frustration, pain and not sure I can handle this anymore. I am home relaxing and thought I would come here to get some feedback. I am sort of afraid to see him. I know this may sound crazy, but maybe you can identify: I can talk to a thousand people and a thousand people will tell me that he is sick and this is his disease and cause of the problem. But when I talk to him, I am the sick one. I do not want to argue. I just cannot allow this anymore and I will not sit and listen to someone blame me for their bad attitudes, anger, inability to cope, intolerance, selfishness or crappy behavior. I am not that powerful. We all have choices. I am trying desperately to keep the focus on me and run a quiet and serene ship here today..But I feel a lot of fear...and I am not sure why. I love him, but I hate his disease and what it does and how it affects all of us. Appreciate any kind and thoughtful feedback you leave. Thank you.
My way was to tease him and say, oh thank you, what a great dinner, to myself.
Or I am fine thank you for asking as if he had asked.
I LOVED him. I am not sure it is an A thing or not.My A was quiet. I honestly don't believe he knew how to be social, or the things that we just do, they don't get it.
If he was coughing, I would ask do you need some water?
He would not think to ask me. Or anyone.
We planned to get married. I kept saying,sorta under my breath,"Of course no one has asked me to marry them." I had the ring already. This went on oh a week or ? One day he came home, walked in the door, took his hat off and and asked me to marry him!
I said OH you took your hat off! I was thrilled. so thrilled.
He did not like to call anyone. Then he would have to talk. He was not into small talk, I believe his brain just is not wired like that. It does not occur to him to do things that are natural to me.
I am seeing this in your A. I really am. It probably was not anything against you. He did not want to call his daughter, then he would have to "engage." He actually was quite clear, in his way that he told you no.
It is NOT your fault. I have seen other A's in recovery like this. They keep tunnel vision, a clear path. If they stray they might use. We do not think like they do, so there is NO way we can expect them too!
I learned thru al anon and my AH NOT to have expectations of anyone. Well except my HP. It made things so much nicer. He would not even call his own mother. I would say don't ya want to call your mom back?
His mother of course, blamed me. I would not LET him call her. I said to her,"since when has anyone been able to make AH do anything or not do anything???"
Hey my AH went to couseling when he was in recovery. One day he came home and asked me how I was. I about fell off my chair! I said what makes you ask?? You never ask me anything!
He shared his counselor taught him that. What a trip. A's are so full of wanting their drug, when will they get their next drug, doing the drug and already wondering when they will get it again, that to live a "normal" life is foreign to them. 20 years or 20 months or 20 min. they are addicts, always will be.
I took care of ME. I learned to think of some of his ways as delightful. He had to learn to stop to get him something, and ask me if I wanted anything.
We took turns cooking. NOT often. But he just did not know how to do for someone else. He always made spegetti.I loved it.
But that brings something else up too. Addicts are generally very insecure. They are always afraid of failing or disappointing.
He may of not wanted to have anything to do with the gift as what if she did not like whatever it was and it would be his fault.
They cannot take blame or admit to fault. So what do they do, they turn it around to make us look like the bad one. Then they feel guilty and don't talk to us.
I know this is crazy. it is MY experience. My A when he wasn't in recovery would say he was going to do this, going to do that. I learned that he NEVER did anything. I mean he could not even make his own doc app.
He never remembers what a doc says. When he had a brain tumor, I was with him almost 100% of the time. Or else something would go badly wrong.
I got results and explained to him.
I found out from his current "host woman" that he told her he had brain cancer and did NOT have hep C. He did not have cancer, YES he has hep C.
Honestly he probably does not remember.
Again, sorry I go off nutsy. (c: In my experience they just do not think like we do nor do we relate to them.
If we learn to NOT take everything or anything personal, we do better living with an addict.
He came home doing nothing not calling, again he apparently did not want to, forgot, told you no and thought that was the end of it. He did not act like this to hurt you.
He probably doesn't even know why he does not want to do certain things.
Ya know also if we ask someone are you ok? can I get you something? etc. that means we may have to do something. For an A, they may not know what to do that fast, or at all. AND/OR they might fail if they try to do it.
I told him a thousand times, what makes it so bad to be wrong???I will take the blame for the mess in New Orleans spell?They were blaming some guy. I will say I am wrong. I don't care, i am human I make mistakes.
Now he was good at certain things and was SURE of that. Then with that stuff you could ask anything of him. Build something, clean something. I also learned to thank him profusely. and meant it too.
Well I hope this said something.
What it tells me is he was an idiot to let me go. haha.
Aloha SBG...reads like you need to do something different. Stop what you're doing which isn't working and do something that will work. I've found asking others what they are doing to help themselves heal to work for me. Pull him out from under the mircoscope and put yourself in his place. Thats what I've seen work. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 10th of November 2010 07:33:31 PM
