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I have been in a relationship with a man who had a history of substance abuse. He lost his family, everything really. He has been through treatment and would say how long it has been since he has been cocaine free, somewhere around 5 years. Seems he quit one and picked up another. Thought he was sober even though on occasion I had seen him drink too much. Since he knew I didn't like that, he just started hiding it and lying to me, saying that he was no longer drinking. This has gone on for a long time. Then he started saying that he didn't know why the drinking bothered me because he was not an alcoholic but had just been indulging in self destructive behavior because of where he was in his life - angry about having lost everything. Well the drinking started to get worse and I finally realized, this man is an alcoholic who has been drinking even when he told me he wasn't. He has been lying to me for over a year. Like I am sure many enablers could say, you had a gut feeling and just didn't act on it. You thought they he had had a rough time and felt bad for someone who says that they had made a big mistake and lost it all. You thought he would change. You kept trying to help him get on his feet. Blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, I really do not want to see him anymore because I cannot trust him. He has said that he is going to AA and told me that he went to find out about the meetings yesterday. But in a heated discussion, he told me that he was doing it more for me and not because he thought he had a problem. I took this as a bad sign. Anyway, I am planning on keeping him at a distance which is going to be hard because he just pretends as if nothing has happened and won't accept that I don't want him around. I am trying to get in touch with his sister who I am wanting to tell that he has a drinking problem. I am not sure if she knows. Maybe they do and just pretend that they don't. Anyhow, I am going to tell her. He definitely does not want anyone to know about his drinking problem and says he can deal with it on his own. Yeah, right. I'm telling her anyway.
I know I have to let him go and feel the pain of me not being around even though he'll say mean things and tell me how replaceable I am. I know it is not him really talking. I hate this for another human being. There is so much shame for the alcoholic partner. How could I shortchange myself like this? You are so ashamed that you don' t want to talk about it with family or friends. I need to be strong and throw this 'xx' out on his ear. Thanks for listening.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 10th of November 2010 11:23:25 AM
Active alcoholics/addicts typically try to find the "bare minimum" they can do in order to keep their current situation, including their addiction.... Many times, they are more scared of sobriety, than they are of staying drunk....
Just a question - what is your motivation in wanting to tell his sister - is this to "out" him, so to speak?? If it's for you, and your peace of mind, it may make sense.... if it is just to 'hurt your A', I guess I don't understand the value there....
Al-Anon can help you figure these things out....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Denial is a coping skill we have all used until we are ready to face what is staring us in the face. So please don't beat yourself up for not want seeing your bf's alcohol problem. My son is an addict I stayed in denial even as I was locking up my own medications ( because some always seemed to be missing) somehow even as I was taking the steps to keep him away from my medications I was still telling myself that I must be taking more medication than I had realized. If I faced the truth then I had to do something about it. So denial is our way of protecting oursevles. Believing all the lies about drove me insane. Thankfully i was lead to Alanon which saved my life and my sanity. I became educated on this disease and with that education realized that I needed to stop taking my sons addiction personally. I always thought his actions were something he was doing "too us" to punish us somehow but came to realize it had nothing to do with us and everything to do with him. He was/is in so much mental pain he needed to find his escape and that was in drugs. With that realization I found compassion for the daily battle he fights. Once I stopped taking it personally I was able to have compassion for my son and his disease. Not enable, but understand that he is sick. And I cannot "fix" him no matter how hard I tried. And I tried everything. Eventually I learned to set up boudaries to protect myself without interfering with his disease. Just as I had to hit my own bottom he needs to hit his. And none of us knows what another persons bottom is, you had said your bf has lost everything but clearly that wasn't his bottom. Please find some alanon meetings in your area and start attending or join us here online for our twice daily meetings, they are great! Go back through this message board and read the posts, you will find many of your own experiences and what people have done to work through thier issues. Alanon will be your saving grace if you work the program. Just a quick thought about your desire to "out" your bf's drinking problem to his sister. I would ask you to take a step back and examine your motives for doing so. If your motive is that you feel angry and betrayed and want to somehow hurt your bf in return by outing him. I would ask you to work the program before making such a move. We get very used to reacting due to our emotions instead of thinking things through and then acting in a way that is in our best interest. I am not sure what satisfaction you will get by outing your bf's drinking problem to his sister, my own experience tells me it will be a hollow victory. Likely she already knows her brother has a problem. And she can't help him anymore than you can. The best thing you can do is put your focus on yourself, work your own recovery because we need help just as much as our A's do. And when you start focusing on yourself you will gain the information and tools needed to get your own life back. Every moment you spend putting your bf under the microscope and obsessing on his disease is a moment wasted that you could have been working on your own peace of mind. I wish you all the best and keep posting Blessings
There is soooo much to learn about alcoholism and alcoholism and ourselves which from my personal experience can be had from inside the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups otherwise it would be like going up against the wildest monster I'd ever faced without a prayer. The loses are astronomical and includes even life itself not only for the alcoholic but also from the victims of the disease. Alcoholism is cunning, powerful and baffling and fatal if not arrested by total abstinence. My alcoholic wife had to arrest the disease and I had to stop enabling it thru my own misguided, ignorant reactions.
Mel go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline phone number for the Al-Anon groups in your area and call as soon as you can to find out where and when we meet so that you can come get your own chair and start finding out what we have found out and learned what we can do for ourselves to find serenity and sanity whether they are still using and drinking or not.
Alcoholics are very human beings suffering from a life threatening disease which they are completely powerless over. They want to protect it, themselves and also ourselves from the outcomes of it and have to come to the realization and the acceptance that they are completely powerless over it and that their lives have become unmanagable as a result. We're not the cause of their angst the alcohol is and they are not the cause of our angst the alcohol is and this is the very largest struggle I've ever been in in my life time.
Keep coming back cause this program works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks for the encouraging words. I am going to find a group because I have so much hurt and anger from the lies and the accumulated injustices that I have suffered.
My motivation for telling his sister was not to be mean or spiteful but so that someone he is related to would be aware. It was more as a protective measure. His sister never called me back so I have a feeling, she doesn't want to know.
He has told me that he is going to a meeting tomorrow and he came by my house tonight after going to church. I though I could be non chalant and nice. In addition to lying about the drinking, he has also lied about smoking cigarettes. I could smell stale cigarette smoke, which he denied, and which irked me and there went my being nice. I just thought, will the lies ever stop? I don't trust a word he says and it is hard to be nice and supportive. Is he really going to the meeting tomorrow or just telling me what I want to hear? For the last several months, I have been nothing but supicious of his every move. He left somewhat aggravated. Maybe I want to be ugly so he will just leave me alone. The other part of me wants to see this soul get better.
But his illness means that he always wants the focus on him and when I do things for myself, he retaliates and manipulates which is worse than just putting up with the xx. So I have stayed in sort of a hostage position. I'm sure you all know the pattern. I will be hanging around looking for some insight to heal myself. Thanks.
Absolutly the A will manipulate and retaliate as you take your focus off him, onto yourself and your behavior starts to change. They don't like change..things are working just fine for them keeping you just as you are. Do not let that deter you Keep working your program and focus on you We are all behind you Blessings
When I read your post it almost made me angry. Someone ashamed of being with an addict?
Him missing you.
I thought about it. Then remembered. Being in Al Anon so long, and am very healed, I then remembered way back when he first was using again, the lieing to me the hurtful words and silences. The ignoring me, my needs.
I thought how hurt you must be, the disease is horribly evil and tears apart, and can make us very unlikeable, as we can get bitter, feel guilty etc.
After A was gone, I realised wow I am back to being nice again. The disease brings the worst out in us.
Al Anon will help you hon. You have been beat up by this horrible disease. I feel so much compassion for you.
We cannot help them, we want the best for them. But we have to stop that and think of getting back to us.
Getting Them Sober is a great book that helps us to understand.
I sure hope you keep coming here. Some very good people who really relate are here for you.
I am so sorry you have been so hurt. How dare this disease be so awful.
