The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in Al-Anon off and on for about a yr. the last 2 months going weekly 2-3X's a week and I am struggling with suspicion. My AH wife is in recovery and attending AA regularly, but at night time lately her voice just seems off and I instantly have my stomach sinking feeling and start analyzying. It is soooo much easier if they are just blasted than to have the is she/is she not thoughts. I don't want to be insulting if she isn't, but I have shared my concern on occasion to which "of course not" - no surprise there.
I have 3 kids under 3 so drinking isn't an option for her if she is to be with our kids as a stay home mom. Her counselor and my wife made the decision to have her try AA again and if she starts to drink again do a in-house treatment.
Am I wasting my time here playing inspector? I am trying to be a responsible parent while showing support to my wife. I love her dearly and want our family to survive this mess.
When my partner is sober I find that my illness attacks even stronger than when he is drinking. My boyfriend has been in a rehab for nearly 3 months and is really working his programme. he was sober for 6 months last year thenslipped for 9 months. I find when he is drinking I can work my programme. How ever when he stops things dont just get better infact I seem to be worse, I expected everything to be o.k once the drinking stopped but that is just the beginning. my brain wants guarentees I want to know this will be the time he will make it. I want to breath a sigh of relieve it is over at last. REALITY is he is an alocoholic who is fighting for his life that is his recovery. My is to focus on me which I am trying to do but it is as if I am also fighting for my sanity. When my thoughts start racing I repeat the serenity prayer, and step one. This programme hold all the answers sometimes I find it easier than others. Thanks for your share it has made me realise how much I want control I still want to know the outcome. I have to wotk my programme and share with others when my brain is tricking me read my books, attend a meeting and pick up the phone. As for my partner he is in HP's hands I just have to try and care for me and my kids.
In my experience, alanon has taught me to keep my focus on me. If nothing changes then nothing changes. When I focus on the other person, place, thing of my obsession I get crazy and sick. I am more sick than the addict. I am learning that I cannot control anyone. I work on me, I keep my focus on me. I don't play inspector any more. I work hard to not snoop, check on him, or coerce him. I make sure to not try to force a solution to his drinking/using drugs. I work on changing my reactions into responses. If you have a face to face meeting you go to, that is great, keep going and working on you. Addiction and alcoholism are family diseases. You can work on you here at MIP as well. I got a sponsor and began working the Alanon steps. I am finding that more and more I can come back to me and keep handing over everything to my higher power. I am not perfect, I slip too, I relapse too... But I am getting better at coming back to the new me... It is growth and progress not perfection. One day at a time, just for today... take care of you
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Aloha and happy you also found MIP as a tool. Are you wasting your time? That's a you decide question and for me was better decided after attending to my own recovery in the program...meetings, literature, steps, traditions and slogans and the very very wise sponsorship I was blessed to have. When I spent my time on my own recovery I found out that happiness was an inside job and never dependent upon my alcoholic or addicted wives and that my time was never wasted. I hated suspicion and learned "What I didn't know couldn't hurt me but what I suspicioned could kill me." I put the focus on my own peace of mind and serenity and got a life I never thought existed. Keep coming back and before your next meeting pull your wife out of your microscope. (((((hugs)))))
NTX, I struggle a lot with the whole snooping/keeping tabs thing. I am fairly new to Al Anon, and still learning how the program works (and how to work the program). But I have been able to identify, almost immediately, the negative physical impact my snooping was taking on me. Not to mention the negative impact it was having on my AH. The churning stomach, the pounding heart, all while trying to find some sort of evidence that my AH was up to no good. When I wouldn't find anything, it wouldn't give me any peace...I knew there was no way for me to really know everything, and just because I didn't find "evidence" didn't mean it wasn't happening anyway. When I did find something, it would break my heart, send me into a horrible depression, and enrage my AH that I had been spying on him, leading to emotional abuse.
I can't say I have totally let go of my desire to snoop, but I do feel like I'm making progress toward that. And I don't snoop anymore. I'm just trying to get the urge to snoop under better control.
I could have written what you wrote, and actually I think I probably wrote something very similar when I first came here a month or so ago. My wife is a stay at home mom to 2 little ones under 4. Just embrace the fact that you can't control it. She may drink, she may not. It's out of your hands.
When you ask and she says no, just assume she is lying. Many people smarter than me have said here--if you have to ask, you know the answer. Most importantly, the disease makes them lie. I never knew the levels of lying my wife was capable of. Drunk or sober, it didn't matter, she would do anything to keep me from knowing the truth.
Just keep the little ones safe. Feel free to message me directly or read my other posts here as our situations sound very similar...
Keep going to your f2f meetings. That is the best thing you can do for yourself. We have all done what you have done. We have all acheived the same results........absolutely nothing. The disease makes us crazy, and makes us question what we see with our own eyes.
The next time you ask your AW if she has been drinking...........cover your ears and watch her lips..........if they are moving.............then she is lying.
Alcoholism is a disease the alcoholic has no control over. It dictates and controls their life. It always wins. It's cunning, baffling, and powerful. There is no known cure. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you are aware of those facts from attending your f2f meetings.
My AW is also an active alcoholic. Like you I love my wife and hate the disease. When I came to Al-Anon a little over four years ago I was crazy and couldn't find my rear end with both hands. (LOL, but it's fairly close to the truth). What worked for me is what has worked for thousands of members worldwide for over 60 years, and it's exactly what you are doing......attending f2f meetings.
Your question was am I wasting my time being an inspector? Only you can answer that question...........I will tell you I have an old "Inspector Badge" I haven't used in several years I will be glad to send you free of charge. I took it off the night I cut my finger wide open digging throught the kitchen trash counting my AW's empty beer cans. And "we" call them crazy !!!
When you are ready, and only you will know when that time comes, consider doing what I did two years ago. Turn your AW over to your HP 100% and don't take her back. Let the two of them work it out between themselves. It's called getting out of HP's way. Gosh, I have so much more time to take care of myself. I give all the credit for my decision to the ladies in my Al-Anon group and the members of Miracles In Progress who shared their ES&H with me unconditionally.
I'm glad you are here, keep coming back, and keep attending your f2f meetings.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 9th of November 2010 07:04:09 PM
When it finally got through my thick skull that alcoholics/addicts lie compulsivly I stopped asking questions ( that I already knew the answer too ) and believed what I was seeing and feeling as the truth. Our son is our addict, lived at home and the best thing I could do to aide in his recovery was to put the focus on my recovery and off my son. Obsessing over his actions only served to lose myself in his disease and just plain drive me nuts. The best thing you can do is work your own recovery, you will need it weather your wife is drinking or not. As your behavior changes and you gain knowledge of this disease and gain tools to help you deal with this disease it will help your children in the long run. So find meetings in your area ro join us here on line, we have twice daily meetings that are truly wonderful. You have found a place of understanding and support. Keep coming back Blessings
