The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
To make it short, because of the weather and my bad decision making skills, I got to work late, had to take my son to school in the middle of my work morning because school was delayed (For an inch of snow) and then felt like a chump because people at work had to watch the front desk for me.
Anyway, I spoke with my sponsor who reminded me that I let my kids walk all over me because of my past. I believe that everything is my fault (of course it is) and that if I make my kid stay home on a day that school is delayed, that he would be mad at me. I live an hour from work and his school so it is a big thing to not take him to school. She also reminded me that people at work will have gripes for having to do something they don't want to do, but that I don't have to take it personally.
I got back to work after getting my son to school, and had a massive headache of guilt and shame for being late and then making someone sit here that didn't want to. I was reveling in it! I stewed. I spoke to my boyfriend at lunch telling him how awful I felt. He can read my body language over the phone and knew something was up. He agreed with my sponsor that I should have had my son stay home, so I wouldn't have been late, and wouldn't have had to leave work. He also said to not take it personally. He knows I do this all the time, let things people say bother me. So I eventually came to MIP. What my sponsor and boyfriend said finally sunk in when I read the posts from Suzannah and Jerry yesterday. I was stamping my feet and needed to not have resentments.
The headache cleared away when I began to post and do some work on MIP, sharing and what not. How strange when I finally let go, the headache left.
So I am beginning (and I mean really truly just skimming the surface of) step 4. I know that it is an inventory of self etc. I guess one of the biggest things I do is take on everything, and take it all personally. I am working on that, but noticing it is good. I am thankful for my sponsor, my boyfriend and this board for helping me more than any expensive therapist ever did.... Love to you all and Alanon!!
-- Edited by sunflowergirl on Tuesday 9th of November 2010 04:02:38 PM
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
My goodness, how I can relate to feeling guilty for my kids because of my past. That is a negative deceptive lie that I must feel guilty for my kids for my past. I too have let my children walk all over me because of the guilt. It has been quite the turnaround here when they discovered they are not going to run over mom. They have been pressuring me from all sides. I just blindly say no no no no no no no!!!!! That is sort of a joke, but really I had to learn to say no to my girls. I think they liked it when I said no, and when I started to be "mean".
I was miserable and I dreaded picking them up from school because I was caught in a web of deception telling me I have to do everything for my children because I am such a lousy parent, and whatever I did was never enough. I don't ever want to be that way again. I hope I never fall for that lie again.
I'm glad you called your sponsor. My sponsor has raised three girls herself and knows a thing or two about children!! It really helps to talk to a sponsor. Glad your headache's gone.
Thanks Kath! That helped to hear :) I was sitting here yesterday thinking I was the only one that felt like a bad mom for saying no to normal things! HA! I am actually giving them chores to do and at first they groan but then after they do it, their attitudes are different, as if they too feel like it is better with rules, boundaries and limitations than to run amuck. Not that I let them go too crazy, but I do give in way too much on little things. I never want to be a mean mom, but they too seem to like it...
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Our children are such great manipulators aren't they They know just how to push mom or dad's buttons and if they don't get what they are after we feel like we have failed them somehow, we are not good or competent parents. My children are grown and still know how to work my husband and I lol. Only difference is now I use my alanon tools in all aspects of my life so that throws them a little off balance. Blessings
