The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been renegotiating a commercial lease with a rental company .... actually with multiple companies since more than one deal has not gone through as planned, and now I am to the final stages of the fine points on the lease. I am noticing that instead of asking for what I want, all the things that will benefit my company I find myself almost justifying the lease terms that are set up in the rental company's favor. And commenting on the issues that need revision is almost painful. I do not know any of the people who are involved in this rental company, they are not in a financial pinch, the market is in my favor to ask for my needs to be met, and it is in my best interests to get the best terms possible, not to mention that stating my needs and abilities is honest ... agreeing to terms that I can not meet or will have difficulty doing and cause myself stress, resentment etc is being dishonest to everyone.
And I see I have done this alot in my life in regards to my exah, friends, family ... why do I place more importance on empathy for others and seeing all sides over taking care of me over and over again? I cannot understand why standing up for myself makes me feel so ashamed.
You know Jen I don't know the whys. Probably in our childhood somewhere.
For me I turned 50 and got this feeling of dang it I am NOT going to take bs from anyone anymore.
Working in the schools, is very hard. We are always being evaluated, scrutinized etc. I always felt so HORRIBLE.
I had to pray for it not to bother me so much.
My parents or family or friends have ever been critical of me and I am not like that.
Now I stand up for me Jen. YOU deserve to be treated with respect AND to be able to say how you feel about what you want. You may not get it, but you can say it.
Who cares what anyone thinks, these are your desires.
Business stuff can be intimidating. But honestly I would like it more to hear what a person wants, then I know if they are really going to be satisfied.
My friend who is now a doctor, omg he is so frugal and wants what he wants. He went out to buy a new pick up. Got what he wanted at a very very low price, saying how he being a doc would be advertising their company, and whatever else.
He was not taking no for an answer. When I am done wrong, I say ok now what are you going to do to make me happy?
We learn to speak up for what we want. The more we do it, the more we will do it!
Maybe somewhere in your past you said what you wanted and you were torn to shreds for a how dare you say that or whatever.
We work on our confidense. Learned behavior. I mean what is the worst that can happen? They say no?
Facing up to possible conflict is not easy at first. I learned to face it head on.
Make a list of important things to you. Listen to them then say."Ok this is what I want..." then see how one responds is how I do it.
Is this helping? I would say to feel guilt about it would tell me you don't think you are worth standing up for yourself.
But I have come to know you as very kind, but strong too. YOu have overcome some hard obstacles. Maybe it would help to remind yourself all your accomplishments.
or look at you from above, and see that cool lady who does not put up with crap from anyone, but does it in an appropriate way.
There are things we stand up for to live the life we want/need to. You know animals are my passion. But as soon as I am sick or having a tough time I hear, "well maybe if you got rid of some of the animals." omg rrrrrrrr
They are what keep me going. I immediatly now say, you know me well enough by now to KNOW I need them, they are not a stress for me but the opposite of that. Besides they are like family to me.
I used to feel guilty for feeling so strongly about it. NO more. They live with me, mourn with me, protect me. make me laugh. I have come to realise, I like me becuz of standing up for what I want and what I believe.
I also make it clear i may not always be right, but I it is just how i feel, or my experience.
Anyway give the mug a kiss for me. hugs hon,debilyn
Mahalo Nui Jennifer...Glad you brought that here and thanks for the trust. I can't speak for others however from my experience has been with yours also and some of what I learned I'll suggest.
Re-read your post and appreciate your awareness and willingness to change. Accept your assets and also why you use those assets to benefit others more than yourself. (Re-read because your vision is 20/20) Inventory why you or anyone else would react the way you have been. Re-read as if it was I or some other member who has offered this post or a sponsee; see how your experiences and growth bring new insight and then run it thru the filter of the Serenity Prayer...what I can and what I cannot change. You already have the wisdom. You have shared that with us for so long...now to trust it and change with it.
Why do I place more importance on empathy for others and seeing all sides over taking care of me over and over again? Most likely the most solid response to this is that you are a kind and loving person and constantly put others needs before your own. It becomes enabling and unhealthy when it is not required or asked for. Did they ask and are they requiring that you not negotiate in your favor and only go along with their expectations? Probably not and in reality they most likely expect you to negotiate. They want you or someone as a tenant so that they can be profitable...if you're not profitable they won't be. Be profitable. Negotiate from profitability...Negotiate from business health yours, your employees and your clients. If your lease is a problem it will be a big one...take care of it now.
"I cannot understand why standing up for myself makes me feel so ashamed." For me I learned that if what I was feeling was shame it was from a center of being "unworthy" whether that was justifiable nor not. Most of the time for me it was not and I was just carrying on the banners that were left to me by dysfunctional other family and friends who I chose to believe when I didn't have to. They were wrong and I am and was a worthy, loveable, acceptable child of God and person. Shame is most toxic for me when I am carrying the message about it left to me by others who had no other tools at the time but to devalue others. It's not the truth believe that!!
If it's not shame it might be fear and for me there is a wide difference because fear most often for me originates in my mind and based upon "False Evident that Appears Real" it isn't real it just appears real and I can reach out and get help from others to arrive at a better understanding and choice for me. Fear also is part of a lack of self confidence and the solution again is reaching out for help to others just like in the meeting rooms. I can turn that into shame if I want but the truth is that I don't know everything about everything and never have and must remain humble or "teachable".
Because you used the word reluctant I understand that to be "fear of" and my short understanding is that Jennifer has overcome so much since she has been here that she will overcome this also.
I'm in support (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 9th of November 2010 03:33:43 PM
I do think this is a learned response to many years of asking for what I needed and being told what I wanted to hear which was not the truth. Over time even asking has become difficult, no confidence, and I have fear the same thing happening ... I think I have tried changing that situation to never asking for anything instead of the healthier version of asking people capable of giving or capable of being honest in not being able to. At least I am getting some practice in ways that involve definitions on paper with clear boundaries.
Muddling through it all
Jen
-- Edited by Jennifer on Thursday 11th of November 2010 08:37:28 PM
