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Just been thinking about all my relationships. After 2 failed marriages, another broken engagement, and now an engagement on the rocks, not to mention all the relationships before and in between.... I've come far enough in life to know that simply changing partners won't change my problems, the problem seems to lie within me. I can't decide if I attract emotionally unavailable men, or if there is something about me that causes good men to treat me badly.
I've been with heavy drinkers and alcoholics, one guy who I found out did drugs. I've been married to a dry drunk who abused me physically, I've been married to a liar and cheater. Now I've come full circle and am back to an older version of my very first boyfriend... another alcoholic with the same broken family problems.
At first he was so loving and almost put me on a pedastal. He's the 2nd man to tattoo my name on his body (his idea, not mine) That's how intense my relationships always are at first. He gave me a gorgeous diamond. But now he won't hardly talk to me, and he pushes me away when I try to hug him. My appearance hasn't changed, I can't figure out why this always happens in my relationships.
In the past I've been told I was probably borderline as a teen/ younger woman. Still have those tendencies although I would say my sense of morality keeps me from doing wrong. But I still have those frantic abandonment fears. I am clingy. Sooooo clingy. At first I will get with a man and he will love how physically affectionate I am, but it doesn't last. I end up getting pushed away and I can't tell you how that hurts. I always have drama in my life, always.
Part of me wants to just break up with him and find someone who will treat me better. But like I said, I know I'll end up with another alcoholic in one form or another. Am I the only one here who does this??
The most pressing thing that keeps coming up for me, why am I so physically clingy and how can I get over feeling so rejected???
Ok...you can find the solutions to your questions inside of the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups or with an expensive counselor (done both) and you need the solutions of the same thing goes around and around and around ad nauseam. Yuck...barffy. (((((hugs)))))
that is our insanity we keep doing the same things over and over again expecting this time it will be different , and it is ,its usually worse . Please like has been suggested go to meetings find out why you do what you do , al anon is not about them its about you finding out who you were meant to be and finding the support u need to get there . Something about you that causes good men to treat you badly ??? I don't think so good men dont treat women badly period ... regardless of what thier doing .
No you certainly are not the only one who has done that.
The issue for me was to surrender that my way was not working. I was willing because I simply could not stand to do that merry go round again. I don't think I was willing before.
Do you have a sponsor? Do you work the steps?
How are your boundaries do you practice them?
when I've had volatile relationship boundaries are usually awol.
I did eventually leave the ex A but first I had to start have a better relationship with me.
jUST LIKE YOU i FIND MYSELF IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE ADDICTION ETC. i LOVE THEM WITH ALL MY HEART WILL DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT WORK. tHEN i FOUND AL ANON.
tODAY i HAVE LEARNT WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OURSELVES ANOTHER HUMAN IS NOT GOING TO MAKE ME HAPPY. wHEN I AM NEEDY SEARCHING FOR LOVE AOUTSIDE ME i LET PEOPLE TREAT ME BADLEY MY FRIEND WHO LOVE THEMSELVES LEAVE IF SOMEONE IS MISTREATING THEM. aT FIRST AS I BEGAN TO LOVE MYSELF THANKS TO hP AND AL ANON i GOT ANGREY WITH MYSELF FOR NOT TAKING BETTER CARE OF ME, BUT BECAUSE i MATTER TODAY I AM FORGIVING ME. i SET BOUNDARIES i DO NOT ALLOW PEOPLE TO MISTREAT ME. sTILL A WORK IN PROGRESS
I have learned in my world, that I too seem to attract these people that have addiction of some sort, I was married to first a cheater and then an abuser. The cheater was a sex addict and the abuser was a workaholic/computer addict. I am with an A now, the difference is that I am working on me. I am going into step 4 now with my sponsor. I can't tell you how much better things are with a sponsor and this board to help me. Today I had a bad morning and I was able to call my sponsor and she talked me right out of my crazy tree! But this board has helped me so much since July that, there are times I am here reading all day. I also read the book called "The Language Of Letting Go". It is by Melodie Beattie. She wrote Codependent No More. The Language is a book filled with daily things to read much like Courage to Change. The thing is, it helps me with my codependency issues as well. I can't recommend that book enough, its not with Alanon, but it has helped me so much. COurage to Change helps too. In times of great craziness, I read those books and journal. I come here and post on topics that I need to get out in the open and hash out. We are all works in progress, and we are all working hard here. I know in my life that when I focus on me and let HP handle things I feel a whole lot better. I don't feel as needy, clingy etc. I learn that I am all I need. I am not perfect, I slip still, but I am working on it :) Take care of yoU!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I think everything you mentioned is really really common for those that qualify for Alanon. I don't know of many that don't fit the pattern of picking the same kind of partner over and over - myself included. That is part of the insanity of my disease.
I am married to an alcoholic that has been sober now and working a program for almost 2 years. Before that I was married to an alcoholic that had no intention of getting sober. Before that, I was raised by an alcoholic and a rageaholic.
I used to think that I was some kind of an addict magnet. Maybe I am - but I have chosen to be that. After my divorce from the first alcoholic, I made a list of qualities I wanted in a partner. One of them was "not an addict" - and that was in the "must haves" category, the category of stuff I would not compromise on. So guess what? My now AH asked me out - stood me up on the first date because he was checking into rehab - and I gave him another chance. Even though it was clear that I was negotiating with something I had determined would be non-negotiable.
I don't think it's a bad thing the way things turned out. I got into Alanon and started working my program. One of the reasons my AH makes a good partner for me is because he understands how alcoholism has affected my life.
So - point is - that although I started out doing what I always did and expecting that things would be different, things weren't different until I decided to be different. When I got different, I got a whole new perspective.
This is a hugely personal thing, and what I have shared works for me. Others do set and keep the "no addicts" boundary and that's what they need for their own recovery.
Look at your responses. Look at your habits. Look at your needs. Look at how you behave. Look at how you make your choices and why you make the choices that you do.
Start with YOU.
Doing the same old thing again and again, stepping on to the same old merry-go-round again and again. If merry-go-rounds make you feel sick and you do not like bring sick then, stop doing what makes you sick, and don't step on another merry-go-round.
That is change. Simple as.
You are not the first and you won't be the last in Al-anon who has experience of making the same old choices again and again. It is only when we truly get sick of being sick that we learn to change ourselves and STOP making the same old choices.
With love, Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I can understand where you are coming from. I have a history of dating guys that have problems. The difference now is that I have a program of tools that I can use to deal with my relationship with my AH. I choose to be with him one day at a time. Some days I can choose to stay, some days I can choose to leave, and when things are going well and I want to project into the future and get that scary nervous feeling of wondering if we will have this future together, I can let go of that and tell myself I am okay with or without him. Wow, I could have never done that if I didn't have this program.
I went through kind of a horror feeling when I realized all the sick relationships I had been in and how I have always dated the same type of man but a different face. I think now maybe the issue isn't the past, and in order to not feel that horrible feeling, that I must focus on the present, and use the past as a history lesson and not dwell in my past mistakes.
Also I need to love myself, and not be so harsh to me. I do this by being good to myself, which is hard at first, because I literally did not know how to be nice to me. Some people think I am a saint, but if I were to ask me if I treated me well, the answer would be no. I am taking 15-30 minutes per day just to relax and be good to me. I am also in the process of changing my inner negative dialogue, which takes constant praying, writing, posting on this board, talking to sponsor, and listening to people in this program and how they did things.
good insight IMO.....I think that working on ourselves, learning to love ourselves is the key...I'm still struggling with this but little by little, others matter less to me.....not that they don't matter but it's down in a normal range of mattering. Am I making any sense?
Hi Mom of 5: Awareness is the key to making changes. That''s great that you see a pattern - some don't. Not pointing fingers at others is the beginning to a new path.
As you know, we can't change others, but we can sure change ourselves if needed.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 9th of November 2010 02:58:06 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Great awareness as other have said. I just wanted to add that I always could SEE what I was doing that hurt me . I did not have any constructive tools to use to effectively change. I would Yell at myself, make resolutions and change for a day or two. I would then revert back to old behavior because that was all I knew. How grateful I am for alanon Here I was given the freedom to practice new behavior, see the destructive behavior, work the steps and replace old destructive actions with constructive ones.
A lanon gave me the tools that affected this change .The tools meetings, sponsor, steps .
Finding myself and learning to love that self was/is the greatest gift of this program
Can't agree more. We can't find another relationship hoping for change - we need to change ourselves then find another relationship. That is what I am working on.
I had a physically abusive relationship with my first boyfriend - then it was just a variety of guys - nothing really in common. Both of my exH were fantastic guys - no addiction or abuse. I just have an inability to "work through" stuff. If things get rough I completely shut down and the person leaves. My Dad is EXACTLY the same way. Then came the last relationship - it was the worst of the worst and involved addiction/avoidance/abuse/vulgarity/cheating/manipulation/lies - it was just plain nasty. Thank God. Because here I am now learning and changing ME so I can have a great relationship in the future.
It is funny, because just before I got into the relationship I was evaluating my failures at previous relationship and vowed to make a change. I would communicate and work with the next person to learn how to change. Hopefully I would find someone that could do that. Along comes exA and he is the bleeding deacon of recovery and I think he is delivered to me by God. This is it! Someone I can work with who understands!
Ummmmm. Not so much. LOL. I thought HE was going to save ME. Silly girl.
I HAVE TO CHANGE ME. No one is going to save me. AND I have to go to realiable sources that LIVE good recovery. . . and it helps not to be sleeping with them.
What is it Rascal Flatts says . . . this broken road led to you . . . It was all experience and I am just thankful that I don't have to do it for my entire life. It is never too late to change.
I am actually REALLY excited about the future and in no hurry to do anything but enjoy myself.
tlc
-- Edited by tlcate on Tuesday 9th of November 2010 11:21:59 AM
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I am going to guess u grew up in dysfunction, like so many of us here did. We repeat our same patterns until they consequences get so great, that we have to face our true selves - HONESTLY. This is not an easy proposition, not easy at all. It may be a simple program of ours, so simple we wonder how can that even work, it seeems stupid (like changing focus or detaching) but it is very very simple.
We who grow up in dysfunction and chaos (and the disease) live it until we change. We focsu on others, waiting, starring and anticipating the problems, and we are fearful which allows us to be run wild and exhasteingly by our own inner dialogues, most of which are so toxic and unhealthy- if and when we actually see it with awarenss, it is horrifying that we could be so montserous too. We are in deep denial as we defer the issues to others and say it is not about us. Our lives are about us. This is YOUr life. If u dont like it, you are the only one that can know how it is effecting you. If u keep avooiding yourself, u keep on suffering.
If uyou want to stop and change this all now - focus on YOU and keep practising getting YOU to the forefront of your mind. If u get triggered a lot and are always reacting, this too can be changed within but it takes conscious work - to not react and feel the wave of the emotion and breathe and feel it and let it flow through you, then in a few minutes, the bulk of the energy has passed and we may still be upset but we begin to see with more clarity. How many times did I react strongly and then wish I hadnt later - a million. So just feeling it through and breathing, it works and then we arent a slave to that energy coming out sideways in an inappropriate manner.
No, I dont think "good men treat people poorly", I simply dont. I think abused people treat others manipuatlively and abusively (abuse means to mistreat) and it can be extremely vague and subtle - abusers groom us and it is a very detailed, involved and deliberate process by which they set us up to be mistreated. I had to get the negativieity out of my own head. I know logic says, if we are all sinners and doomed and guilty, then we all deserve another chance to be loving and redeem ourselves. (so do this for YOU, not them) I also had to face the fact that yes, my love is real and there but it isnt everything. Love is not enough alone, esp if ur like me and had abuse and love all intermingled.
Focus on loving YOU first and being kind and gentle and do things that will allow you to feel resepct about. Honor yourself. Love you like a tiny innocent baby that is innocent and desrves your best pure loving kindness. Forgive you for what u think u failed at and allow it to be a learning expereince to grow from. Alanon is all about YOU. Recovery is self discovery.
Once u get inot boundareis - and see what happens as consequences and not bc we are "good or bad" but our life is merely the consequences of the choices we make - it is not personal. Simple cause and effect.
ok I just had a thought lol. Do this: think about your energy in each given day as units of love or energy. Get a piece of paper out and write down where ur energy goes. The love, where the effort goes, what u care about or are controlling, everything. Break it all down into percentages - and u only get 100 energy love units per day.
When I did this, I will tell ya about how it broke down for me, bc it horrified me to see it. I immediately wrote down 40% for my mom, bc I was obsesssed and fixated on her and I did not even try to hide that. Everyone knew. 35% went to my bf or my exAH and other family and friends. Probably about 20% was to my job as it became a role I took on in all my affairs (I was a color expert and hairstylist) and with my add/ADHD very very obsesssive. The last bit was tandom crap at the time, that I was fixated on.
I did not make the list. It did not even occur to me, that I should be on the list, until I did write it down and see that I didnt even rate with me.
When we think we arent important or are always telling us in our own heads, to shut up, stop it, be quiet, dont make waves, dont take a stand - we become irrelevant and un-important to us. We put off those messages and feelings (energy) in subconscious and conscious ways. If u put off that kind of needy, desperate, I hate me but will believe whatver u tell me about me, then we are primed and ready for a manipulative user to take full advantage of us. My own self talk was horrid, and I did feel I deserved what was happeneing bc I had "caused" it. I had to rejct this idea - that I deserved less then and grab onto a higher rung for myself - like a rung at all. I had to stand up for me bc no one else was and I am the only one that felt my own pain.
Use the program and talk to us. I found telling the A's and manipulators in my life - only gave them more information and ammo to hurt me with. Alanon is the appropriate place to bear yourself and discover yourself, here with others who have done it previously. You are not alone.
If u need boundary info PM me and I will send some ur way.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
