For me, I felt awful and used after sex with my AW, so I set a boundary - for me - that I would not have sex with her when she had been drinking, as it simply wasn't satisfying of fulfilling for me.....  Now, add that to the fact that she wasn't ever interested in sex except when she was drinking, made for a very lonely existence and marriage.....  Even with the loneliness, it beat the alternative....

Just my two cents
Tom

I arrived at wanting to be loved rather than just be sexed and now it's cool meaning
there is more meaningful love in my life and the being "sexed" issue is gone.  Sex
is a big issue in the disease and always has been.  I know how to "have sex" it is
the loving that I've always wanted to be given and to give and I can do that with tons
of people without climbing in and out of the sack with them for however amount of
time with or without the gymnastics.  God wasn't sex one of the first open doors to 
getting involved with an alcoholic or addict?  Geeeeez a nerve ending addiction that
got sooo insane.  "God grant me the serenity...."  I wanna here more input on this 
subject...  (((((hugs)))))   

I love this topic.

It is true that it is the reason we got involved in the first place. And that was the only thing holding it together, at least for me. In truth, the more he has exposed his addictive behaviors, the less I enjoy it. And the less I want it. And the fact that he always controls when we have it, how we have it (same old boring) kind of makes me sick.

At times I find him truly disgusting, but I hold on to the idea that it will be the most mind-blowing sex I ever had. It never is. My optimism sometimes, is my biggest enemy.

So I always wanted the loving as well. I am going to miss the physicalness more than anything. I pretend it's the rest, but I know in my heart that it isn't. Time to move along. I can get hugs anywhere. And from people I respect.

Thanks for the replies.

Just feels a very lonely existence. I'm not sure if I can keep on like this long-term.

At the moment I'm medically signed off work by my doctor due to anxiety/depression (long story- currently going through a lot of cr@p with my ex-wife and daughter. She has made false allegations which resulted in social service/police/family court welfare involvement, in breach of a shared residence order (joint custody), had to take the matter back to Court and it's slowly working it's way through that. Didn't see daughter for 3 months and was finishing my post graduate MSc degree. Now all the delayed shock has hit me).

I just feel totally creeped out by my partner when she drinks. I am on step 2 and it's hard. I notice the slight stagger, the slight slurring of speech. Just feel that "frozen" feeling.

I used to be upset, angry. Now I'm just resigned.

A few weeks back partner made a successful attempt at keeping off the booze for a couple of days, but it was like I was chaperoning her. She drinks only at certain times - in the evening, upstairs. She also weirdly doesn't get hangovers. Just doesn't get them. Said she never has. Whereas I get terrible hangovers if I've been drinking too much - hence me keeping off it mostly!

The trigger time, the "witching hour" as she calls it is around 5-7pm, usually leaving home, doing the nursery run etc. I used to do the run with her but I've noticed she makes excuses and has been doing it herself, or dropping off our 3 year old daughter at her parents (then presumably going to buy booze) and going shopping for some food, coming home, then the grandparents dropping off our daughter.

She never drinks and drives, or drinks during the day. Says she just doesn't feel like it and doesn't get the urge. I believe her.

I realised that this was enabling/co-dependency behaviour so stopped going along with her, chaperoning her, after all I said to myself she has to learn to do this for HERSELF.

So the last thing on my mind is sex.

I'd started confiding in a friend, a female friend - by text. There is nothing sexual between us, in fact, I've known her for about 4 years. We both mutually supported each other when we had separated from our spouses. Partner found this out and was quite upset, think that was the trigger to get sober (for a few days) - she knew what was at stake I suppose.

I admit that I do wonder "what if", what if I strayed. What if I went with another woman. But what would I do? I'm not much of a catch at the moment. I look like sh*t, I feel down, my self-image and worth is really really low. I'm currently going through the family court system with my ex about our 7 year old daughter, I feel the world on my shoulders. I am signed of work, I am on anti-depressants and beta-blockers (for anxiety) ... *hmmm*

I loved this topic. This is one thing I haven't been able to bring up in a meeting. I always look at the other women (who have stayed in the marriage) and wonder how on earth they climb in bed with the A. I am still with my AH, we have some very good sex...but when he is drinking (or acting like an A even though he is sober) I can find him completely disgusting (so comforting to hear someone else use that word!). I find myself praying for it to be over and then I think "What the h*@@ am I doing to myself?" It's a VERY difficult part of accepting to live with an A. "Detaching" but still having sex...hmmm...haven't quite got my head around that one yet!

This is great topic. I'm glad we're talking about it.

When my W comes to bed smelling like a winery it disgusts me too. That's often when she'll go from mean to horny (manipulation method #1 to manipulation method #2). On the occasions that I was game, it wasn't a good experience at all. Primarily because you can't have a warm sexual connection with someone who's not even there. I can't be any good for her either due to her senses being so dull.

I think it's a good boundary to have. No sex when you've been drinking or behaving like you've been drinking.

I have the opposite problem. My AH drinks, which makes him tired and exacerbates his depression/disconnection from me. Our sex life has dropped off dramatically since he resumed drinking. Since I have yet to see him drunk, I don't know how that would impact things.