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Hello! I really don't know where to start with my story. I have an ex-H who in his words self-medicated for his anxiety with alcohol and prescription meds. He has had extreme anxiety since childhood and has been on many different medications for this over the years.We were together for 10 years before I finally filed for divorce. It has been a very long and difficult road and I am still on it in so many ways. My divorce was final over the summer and in September I found out that my mom (late 50's) is an alcoholic and has been for years. I feel really blind for not figuring that one out on my own. My siblings and I knew she seemed to have memory loss and she went to bed earlier and earlier. We kept asking our dad who did finally admit that she required alot of sleep or else she would become confused and forgetfu. He denied anything else being wrong. I even asked him once if she was drunk after talking to her on the phone one night when her words were slurred. He denied it and said she was just upset and exhausted. I eventually thought she was having early onset dementia and that my dad was just in denial. In addition to her behavior her physical appearance really declined this past year and had me and my siblings concerned. Again we were told there wasn't anything wrong. Finally, one afternoon I received a call from my mom who was angry, then crying saying she was a drunk and couldn't do it anymore. My siblings and I rushed to her house and were totally shocked at her condition! It was one of the worst nights I have ever been through and witnessed. We learned things that night that were shocking to us. She ended up being hospitalized for an observation period because of threats she made to hurt herself. Needless to say she was very angry at us all once she was sober and now acts like it was no big deal. She denies having a drinking problem. She even conviced the psychaitrist that it was just one bad night that she drank too much because of all the stress she was under at the time. However, when she was drunk she told us in a very hostile way, how much and how often she drank. She kept saying she was a drunk and couldn't just have one drink. She was begging us to help her. But when she was legally sober ( her blood alcohol had been double the legal limit 6-7 hours after her last drink)she still acted innapropriately and was extremely angry at all of us. She said the psychiatrist said she could still have two glasses of wine per night and if we were going to tell her she shouldn't drink then she would leave the hospital on her own and never come home. Well my dad did get her home but she acts like nothing happened and if we even start to act worried about her it throws her into a rage. I now know that I need help! I helped my ex-H get it before but I wasnt able to get to any al-anon meetings because it is 1 hour away and I have four small kids and no help with them. Am I supposed to act like nothing happened? My dad says she isn't drinking but I don't believe that. I believe she is being careful like she used to but when she was drunk she said she would just drink vodka and we would never know. Now when she wants to drive my kids somewhere do I let her? I say no because I can't tell if she's been drinking. I have been avoiding her when I can to keep my own sanity but I need some direction!!!
If you suspect she is drinking driving your kids anywhere is not an option . If you cannot get to a meeting come to the ones online on this site we have two a day at 9am and pm eastern time ..chat room is open 24 - 7 There is nothing you can do about your moms drinking just learn to set boundaries for your relationship so that you can love her and accept who she is ..you can call her on it if you like but the nature of this disease is denial she will lie and become defensive when asked .. your dad is also in denial but nothing you can do about him either until he decides to get help for himself nothing will change . Our doc told my husb yrs ago that 2 beer a day wouldnt hurt him at all , this was after he told him if he didnt stop he would die = go figure call 1-888-4alanon there may be a meeting closer to you now and perhaps your siblings could help with watching your children for an hr ,you could take turns watching each others children so u could all attend meetings ..just a thought= Louise
What you have described sounds very familiar Please know that alcoholism is a disease and the entire family is effected. We all need to recover from the devastating effects of dealing with the choos and drama which is a given with this illness. It is a disease like no others You did not cause it, cannot control it and and cannot cure it.
Alanon, the tools and readings have all been developed to help family members regain their sanity I suggest that you let Dad know about this program and I do know with 4 children it is difficult to attend meetings
Please try to get to on line meetings and keep coming back and sharing.
Isolation and pretending that all is well are two of the big destructive tools we all use when trying to deal with this disease
Thank you for the welcome and advice. Right now I am not letting my kids ride with her because I suspect she is still drinking some. The bad thing is we are not "allowed" to tell anyone about this and she won't discuss it at all. Her parents and siblings suspect something is wrong and keep guessing other things. We have been told to keep our mouths shut. My married siblings were told to not even tell their spouses. I have a problem with this in so many ways. I haven't announced it to anyone but I refuse to make exuses for her frequent mood swings and erratic behavior. I have pretty much avoided eveyone lately. I'm at the point that I don't want to go to my Aunt's for Thanksgiving because everyone will be there and I feel caught in the middle when they keep asking me questions. I've asked my dad what I'm supposed to say and he says to say I don't know anything and to blow off their questions. He and my mom act like everthing is just fine now. My question is this: How can you admit you drink all evening and night, throw up all morning and then start again in the afternoon but now you're not drinking at all. You didn't go to rehab or counseling but everthing is just fine now? My dad insists the same thing. Am I crazy? I am going to at least try to attend an on-line meeting....
For an alcoholic 1 drink is too many and 100 isn't enough Sorry you are going through this. As has already been said addiction is a disease and it is a family disease. Each and everyone the alcoholic comes in contact with is touched with thier disease. I personally would not let an A drive my children anywhere weather I think they were drinking or not. Cause that bottle can be right under the seat for easy access as they drive away. That's just me. And we are only as sick as our secrets... you do not need to "out" your mother to everyone thats for sure, it is likely people already know but aren't saying anything as they may not know you know. My son is an addict...by the time I got out of denial and started talking to my surprise Everyone around us already knew they were just waiting for me to say something. Please find some meetings ( alanon ) in your area. You and your siblings will all benefit from this program. It literally saved my life and my sanity As you work the program you will learn how to set boundaries that protect you and your children. How to detach with love from your A... learning that you can separate the person from thier disease. Please do join us here online for our meetings also. They are wonderful Keep coming back Blessings
Alanon has taught me the three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I found that I really was powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. I realized that if I learned to detach with love, I could become sane and have serenity. I pray the serenity prayer, I ask my Higher Power to guide me and help me every day. I live one day at a time, one minute at a time. I am learning to keep the focus on me, and no one else. I am beginning to accept myself so that I may one day learn to love myself. I have suffered through many years of PTSD, panic attacks and depression. Alanon has helped me more in the last 4 months than years of expensive therapy. Detaching means allowing the other person to be themselves. I can only change me, my reactions and turn things over to HP. I am not perfect, I slip too. I have bad days, I relapse. But I am more and more able to come out of it and get on with my new life. I have learned that I cannot ever change anyone else, I can only ever work on me. I am codependent, but I am working on it. I am a survivor of child abuse, but I don't have to live in the past anymore. I am an adult child of an alcoholic, but I don't have to keep that on my back anymore. I can let go and let HP take over now. I can breathe and keep turning my focus back to me and letting HP help me through. Keep coming back, alanon does not give advice, we just share what has worked for us. HUGS!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Abstinent is not drinking. sober is working a program round not drinking.
Maybe your mother is engaged in harm reduction where people try to reduce their consumption.
I grew up around lots of alcoholics and people who were mentally ill. Of course as a child I could not put that together. Indeed although I knew it in my heart it took me years to see and understand my parents were indeed severely mentally ill.
I don't see anything wrong with not being able to really come of denial about your mother's drinking and behavior. That is indeed the norm for family members not to be able to confront the issue.
There are meetings here for people who are Adult Children of Alcoholics but al anon can certainly help you.
We embrace the three C's, we can't change it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. Ironically enough in all those words is the power to take care of yourself because you can change your expectation about an alcoholic who is active.
My younger sister is an alcoholic and has been for decades. I spent years resenting that she couldn't be a "real" sister. After working this program I can come to terms with the reality she is too ill to be that. There is nothing about me that can stop her being an alcoholic.
I'm glad you are here and embracing taking care of yourself. At the top of this page is an offer for a book called Getting them Sober. That is a great resource for you to deal with expectations around your mother's treatment and how to take care of yourself.
