The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday was my 11 year anniversary and as I awake today with the reality that there may not be a 12th. What started as a quiet and peaceful day with much promise ended with much sadness & lots of questions. Our anniversary as well as 5 years of sobriety came to a crashing halt last night.
As I awake today I am reminded yet again that sobriety offers no promises. I also know that my years of program saved me from a night of what could certainly have been yelling, crying, begging etc. The night was not without its drama & I certainly did not do everything by the book but I managed to pull out many Alanon tools and maintain my sanity & composure throughout the evening. I didn't blame, I didn't shame, I didn't take it personally & most importantly I didn't react.
The tears of remorse and the Im sorries and I screwed up were abundant this morning as they have been in the past. I do believe that there is true remorse and I could simply sweep it all and accept the apologies but I know that will not be right. I am sympathetic to the suffering and the after effects of the what did I do's but my forgiveness will not bring lasting sobriety & recovery. Forgiveness must come from within.
My emerging reality this morning is one of what is next. For me it is an easy decision - I live my life as I have been. I live my life using the Alanon program to hold me up when I want to fall. I talk to people so I dont stay in my head. I show my children that "if one person gets well, that the whole family situation improves." Courage to Change 11/7. I am not unrealistic that there will not be fallout or ramifications to the events of last night but for today I need to step back and not make any decisions about the future because I am not prepared to do so. I need to think things through and make the best decisions that are right for me and my family. I will not let this disease break me down again - I have fought to hard to get my life back and I will not surrender again to it.
I love my husband and I do not know what our future holds right now. I will live one day at a time and work to restore my serenity for that is all I can do. I know I can do this because this program has shown me this over & over and I am so eternally grateful for Alanon.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Prayers your way You are right sobriety offers no promises and thats a hard pill to swallow. Sounds like you are right on track with your program Blessings
Aloha KL...I got a hug and kiss after I made my amends this morning. Didn't even get close to the plunger that would have blown up the old bridge after looking only at my part. Now I don't feel any pressure at all and all of the projections of woe into the future have turned to mist. Go Figure...Program must work when I work it. Thank you God for Al-Anon and AA. ((((hugs))))
I'm very sorry to hear your news. I certainly know when I am dealing with any alcoholic I can lose much of my serenity. I also know that I can get it back. I think that is what is so key for me.
Anniversaries, Birthdays, holidays seem to be real trigger points for many people. I know I had a incredibly hard time around them. I built them up to be so monumental.
I also know that I have to watch daily my resentment meter. I know living around people who drink, use and act out I have to tread very carefully. I have to watch my expectations ruthlessly.
The person who I put first today is me. I no longer put an alcoholic first or anyone else first. By working with that strategy I indeed do have the space and resilience to move with the circumstances. If I put my entire focus on anyone but myself I lose my power and control entirely.
I'm so glad you are here. Do you have a copy of the book Getting them Sober (offered at the top of the page). I found the guidance there really crucial to my recovery.
I found Courage to Change and Language of Letting Go to be my sources of help during the hardest times, and this board and my sponsor. It sounds as if you are really working it, take care of you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
