The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I KNOW I am not supposed to be counting bottles, but I am. I am because if I decide to leave, I want to make sure he IS drinking. I also want to have "evidence" so I can make sure he gets no overnight visits with the kids.
-AH progressive active alcoholic for 4 years. -Admitted it and got sober for 4. -Started again for 2 years. -Separation for two months. -Weaned off clonazepam and Effexor. Made all the promises in the world about being a changed man. -Moved back in. Treated me fantastically for a month. Then told me he is no longer an alcoholic and never was. Took "sick leave" from work although they refuse to pay him (long story there). -Insert here 5 months of financial distress, on and off "controlled" drinking and marital ups and downs. -Present: Tuesday afternoon: came home smelling like hard liquor. Wednesday night, drank 1/2 bottle of 13.5% wine after I was in bed, Thursday, drank 1/2 bottle of wine after I was in bed, Friday, drank 3/4 bottle of red wine after I was in bed and last night he drank hard liquor (which I am pretty sure he was keeping in his car).
If I was to question him on this, he says he is a "normal" guy and this is normal drinking. The final straw (which only some of you might understand) is that he drank (with his whiskey apparently) an entire carton of orange juice. That meant no oj for the kids this morning. His solution...just get more. The problem? He is not working...we have $400 to do us the next 4 weeks and this includes all of our bills (except the mortgage b/c I pretty much hide that money). I can't see how a responsible father would spend $40+ on alcohol in 4 days and drink all the kids OJ too. I mean...I SHOULD realize that this means he DOES have a problem, right? WHY CAN'T I GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD? I am worried that benzo-withdrawal is such a new and misunderstood "disease" that I am being unfair...but the reasonable part of me is shaking her head and wanting to club me for my stupidity.
Is there ANY chance he isn't an alcoholic?!
Oh yeh...new problem...if I separate now and he can prove that he is medically unable to work...he can ask for alimony!? My friend/lawyer told me. After all his drinking has caused THAT is incredible! Oh yeh...and I am not buying the liquor for him...he uses an overdraft in his personal account.
I'm glad you are here, where people understand your panic, frustration, anger, hurt, and pain.
I have and still am living through the devastation and destruction from my exha. I divorced to separate from his rapidly accumulating debt so my daughter and I would not be homeless on the streets.
This is a cunning, powerful, and baffling disease! It helps me detach when I think of it as a disease. I had expectations for many years that he would be a responsible husband and father. I'm sure he would have wanted that too- only, he could not and still cannot control his negative path. He used to make jokes regarding a 'chemical clone of destruction', and he would laugh. I still get chills with that one.
They can be sweet, charming, attractive, intelligent, and then wham! Then the other part of the package emerges. I have been through this more times than I would care to count.
Court systems are frustrating, to say the least. After 4 years of being divorced, my exha and his new wife are dragging me back. There will be an end to it somewhere, and like everyone else, there will be pieces to pick up and new lives to build. Get a few legal opinions, if you can.
The only thing we can do is focus on ourselves and take care of ourselves.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi and thank you for your post. Sounds like you have plenty of evidence that he is an alcholic. Reading your post reminded me of how our thinking becomes so distorted , we doubt the very things in front of our eyes. Glad your here and pls keep coming back ....
Sounds like you are in the right place.Keep coming to Alanon and you don`t have to make any moves quickly. Sounds to me that many of them tell themselves the same story. I`am still waiting for my daughter to wake up to the reality of who she is. I wish I could seperate her daughter from what she is doing but unfortunately she lives just as another irresponsible A with a child to care for. In my eyes you are in a better place for yourself and your children!
My sponsor would have answered your post with a not so subtle reminder of: "....and how is that working for you so far?"
Al-Anon doesn't "should" us - the pouring out and/or searching for bottles is talked about something that is not likely helpful for YOU and your recovery.... Your post would support this - you sound like you are at or near the end of your rope, and frustrated beyond words.... The encouragement I can offer is taking 85% of that energy that you are currently focussing on your A and what he is or isn't doing, and redirect it onto yourself..... This can be far easier said than done, but it is well worth the effort.... Step One reminds us, over and over again, that we cannot control the A.....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sorry you are going thru all this and your children as well. Addiction is an absolutly selfish disease that protects itself at all costs. Even if that means taking food ( or oj ) out of your kids mouths to feed that addiction. Glad you are able to at least put the mortage money out of his reach. Really doesn't matter if he is labled as an alcoholic or not, fact is his drinking is causing major problems in your life that is what counts. You are in the right place. If you are not already attending meetings please try and find one in your area. Time for you to focus your energy on you and your children and take the focus off your husband. You will drive yourself mad trying to find his bottles or trying to anticipate his next move. Wishing you all the best..keep posting Blessings
I never found peace by focusing on my alcoholic and addict wives...just the opposite. I found peace when I ceased focusing on them and taking the suggestions of others who were outside of the program who didn't really have supportive suggestions for me.
I found peace after surrendering myself to my HP and the Al-Anon Program completely and after that then I found the ability to attend to the "other" stuff.
I don't see denial as something that is abnormal. I know denial kept me sane for a long long time in incredible circumstances. The ex A drank, used and had chaos from the day I met him. I just did not know how to deal with it.
Over time I sought help and I certainly found it in al anon. There are no absolutes here. Living around any alcoholic/addict is an incredible undertaking. There is a lot of chaos, confusion and denial. Counting the bottles for some of us is the only way we can come of out of denial. At some point we don't need to count them anymore. At some point we can start using tools rather than obsessing over where they are, what are they doing and what's coming down the pipeline next.
As far as I know alimony takes a long time to calculate and involves a court procedure. I certainly went there with the ex A (we were not married) over what was his (he claimed everything) and what was mine. That was an incredibly painful experience for me but it was also the point where I was willing to start having boundaries and stop being dependent on people who are undependable.
Please don't beat yourself up. The al anon tools take a while to get a grasp on and some of us come in here submerged in chaos and terrible situations. The thing is that you can come here anytime, put it all out there and you now know no one will blame you, try to control you or tell you the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" story.
