The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying so hard to detach from my A. I am finding that no contact seems to work the best. Myself and my children are the most important people in my life and I refuse to let this person be around my children and witness his using and moods. He hasn't met them yet and the way things are, he never will.
My big problem is the emails, phone calls from him that drag me back in. The niceness that I long for is there, but I know in my heart that it doesn't last. He has no intentions of admitting he has a problem. We are not even to that point, and I am pretty sure we never will.
How in the world do you find the strength to let go? I don't want to spend one more minute thinking and dreaming about what might be, but never will. That is the one piece that I consistantly hold onto.
I know some of you have been in this predicament. What worked for you?
You are not alone. I am working on this too and it is not easy. This particular A and I haven't known each other long, but long enough for me to feel attached (I attach way to quickly and this is something I'm also working on.)
He was so super nice and then became hurtful. I was married to an A for 20 years, so I know this is the beginning of a cycle.
What am I doing to not go crazy? I've been calling people to do things with and occupy my time constructively. This still leaves me alone and lonely most of the time. I've gone to malls, cafes, and tried to just be around people so I didn't sit in my house dwelling. I also take in hikes and find exercise helpful.
I'm trying to find groups to join so that I have a better life balance and am not alone so much. I know I'll start attending face to face meetings more, as well.
Thanks for the reply. You hang in as well. I am also trying to keep busy. I agree that helps some.
By the way, I just replied to an email with an "I can't do this anymore" response. He just said "take care". I guess some people can love an object more than a person.
I'm sad, but there are millions of people in the world. Why would I try to change one?
Detaching was a very hard lesson for me to learn but so nessesary for my recovery. Work your program and put the focus on you and off your A You do not have to answer every call or reply or even read every email. If you feel you are being manipulated into a situation you don't want to be in, take a step back and think about what is best for you and your children. Keep workin your program Blessings
You're very welcome and, though, I wish we were already in a better place, we can give each other hope and encouragement that we will find our path.
Detachment and letting go are something that I need to constantly practice. Let us hope that eventually we will find ourselves.
I find that taking on their hurtful words only means hurt for us. Your man is hurting. Hurting people hurt people. His response is intended to hurt. To detach, it helps for me to think of addiction as a disease. He can't control his disease without help. Love the man and hate the disease.
I was lonely in the marriage and I am lonely now. I am the only one who can change that and I am trying.
I've been sitting at a cafe writing for the past 3 hours. In the meantime a new friend called and I'll meet her soon at the mall. I am too isolated and now I'm excited for a little company.
I need the practice too. You're right, eventually we will.
And yes. I think he uses stuff like that to make me feel bad. Like I never meant anything to him. Actually wished me well with an exclamation point. Ugh. My habit is to always get drawn back in and he knows this. This time I must enforce the boundary.
I agree. I was lonely in the relationship and mad and upset most of the time. I am trying to remember that. I don't even think it's the man I will miss. I think it's just a body being around, a routine.
How fun that will be for you! I am looking forward to getting out and making new friends as well. Have a great time!
Aloha and HA!! just what part of this mornings meeting was on and then the sharing after the sharing. I was asked this question there and I shared how I was taught to keep the who process very very simple like looking at the inclination or compulsion to get involved with something I was powerless over as if I was being handed an ingraved invitation to screw up. Nice gold plated and ingraved personally to me and then smiling at it and handing it back with whatever or whoever was handing it to me and saying sweetly, "No thanks" and walking away to a better place.
Keep it simple works for me. Using metaphors or pictures works for me. Following the suggestions works for me. I love the thread. (((((hugs)))))
I love the "No thanks" idea. I will try to keep that in the front of my brain. I think it's the perfect response to any kind of "harmful" invitation.
And thank you all so much for "talking" to me today. Today was the day that I finally realized that it has to be over. As someone told me on another thread, you will know when enough is enough. I think I have arrived at enough! Now it's time to walk the walk.
Thanks for all of the sharing. It makes me smile again. And I think I can make it to a meeting this week at a different location. I CAN do this. And all of your support has made a huge difference in my believing it.
First cudos to you for not involving your children in the drama created by an iratic and complicated relationship. How do u let go ? tough one to answer but for me it was the decisssion to not let this disease have anymore of my life I left it with him where it belonged .. it takes alot more strength to walk away than to continue to live in a doomed relationship where we learn to adjust , re adjust and eventually we mal adjust and if were lucky thats when we seek help for ourselves in Al-Anon with the support of people who have been where were at and can help us walk thru it by sharring thier own experiences with us its thru thier triumphs that we gain the strength to take care of ourselves. Keep going to meetings talk to your sponsor and with or with out him you will be okay..I only know one thing for sure if we dont learn our lesson we will do it again and again .. Louise
Thank you. If I can't deal with this, how could I expect them to? Yes, leave it where it belongs. He can keep it.
Again and again has seemed to be the theme so far. I have learned a little each time I go back and forth. I hope the lesson has finally sunk in. My "aha" moment if you will.
The thought of anymore adjusting makes me want to throw up lol.
The friend cancelled, but there is always next week. So I went to Barnes and Noble instead and came home.
It can take a long time for any lessons to sink in, so be gentle with you. The A I dated is nothing in comparison to what happened during my 20 marriage. If you think it will help, I posted what the A-date (sounds like a distorted internet dating service lol) said to me as he exited.
Making the best of it, snuggling at home now. I started writing- it may be the start to a book.
I posted about a week ago, the title started with "my bad?". It will just be another affirmation of the kind of craziness that occurs with A's. If you go to the next page of posts, I think you'll see it there.
Ya! As I was writing describing the A as my date (A-date), it gave me a chuckle too! No, not a dating service for us anymore. ha ha
Enjoy your children. My 19 year old is now away at school. All the ages are great ones!
Something that helped me was the knowledge that every choice I have ever made brought me to where I was/am.
Looking at my choices (past and present) in that way, it makes it pretty hard to blame anyone else. It made me really think about where I wanted to be and to know that if I wanted something different, I'd have to quit doing what I've always done.
Christy.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks Christy. I know you are right, but I still feel like yelling at him and telling him how ridiculous our relationship and all the unfilled promises he made are. It must be his addiction talking. This is why he could never understand a single word I said.
Now I must face the fact that it was my choice to stay involved with somebody I knew would never come through for me. It just hurts to think that he never loved me. Or never knew how. Or maybe I wasn't good enough or didn't do enough.
Quitting a routine is tough, but it can be done. It has been proven over and over right here.
One last thing I must know. It wasn't me. But that doesn't stop the hurting.
I left the ex A in April and it took me a whole year to get to the point of not being willing to have contact with him anymore. During that year I worked a program and started being really honest about the chaos and confusion he brought to my life.
I held on for so long because I believed my love and concern could change him. They couldn't. I was also pretty attached to many of the things we had acquired together, a truck, furnishings and more.
None of us unentangle ourselves overnight. Sometimes there are lots of loose ends to tie up. I hated getting to them and making it all complete but eventually I did and eventually I had nothing left to say to him. I never believed that day would come.
Expectations for me are everything. I do believe the ex A called me the the other night drunk and left a message on my machine. Normally I would be obsessed with where the number is, why he called (clearly he was drunk) and what it all meant. Today I can merely delete the message and move on. That took me a while to get to.
This process is a long and hard one. There is no hurrying it up or missing a step. Working with a sponsor and being willing to do it other than the way I've also done it has been so key for me.
If u want to feel emotional autonomy and detachment, then practise forcusing on you, determine what your true needs are versus ur wants and fantasies. This will allow u to establish the boundareis that u will need to keep yourself protected and safe from emotionally abusive people. They surely dont care that u are hurt, in fact ur pain and obsession is what feeds the disease for you - it allows us to lose ourselves in another person.
If u know u feel better with no contact and that u know it is all a ploy to get u to give in to a point and then the mistreatment (abuse) starts again, then dont do that.
I learned that seeking approval of others and doing manipulative things to get their friendship, well it isnt true friendship, it doesnt make them like you, in fact manipualtion allows us and them to feel resentful.
Do what you need to do - to allow you to feel better about yourself (more respect) and do that thing. What can you do right now/today to allow you to feel better? Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
