The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So today I did something really stupid. For the first time in my twenty years of life, I lied to my mom. I never lie to my parents. I got in a little arguement with my mom earlier today. I have been sick with pneumonia the past two weeks and she's sick of me complaining I guess. My mom has lymphoma which has slightly spread to her lungs. It has really been getting to me. she's got a pretty good prognosis but today I overheard her and my older sister talking about what they would do if she died soon. It kinda threw me back and I got really depressed. But of course I couldn't show my mom that. I have to stay strong for her. I broke up with my addict boyfriend a few days ago but we are still talking. I wanted to talk to him about this because he is a really great supporter and always has been. But my parents are very much against us having any kind of relationship, including a friendship. I just moved back home for school so I have to explain to my parents EVERYWHERE I go. I knew they wouldn't let me see him, so I told them that I was going to a different friend's house. I felt horrible for lying and it ate me up. Anyways, me and my ex were just talking and hanging out when I looked at my phone that had been on silent for the past two hours. I had nineteen missed calls and eleven texts, all from different members of my family and one from the friend I said I was hanging out with. They were all asking if I was ok and telling me that they loved me and seeing if I was aive, ect. I immediately took my A ex home and came to my house. Turns out that they had called me a few times to tell me to come home becuase I was still a little sick. When I didn't answer they called the friend I said I was hanging out with. She told them we hadn't talked all day and they went on an all out man hunt searching the entire town for me. (I was at walmart by the way) Needless to say, they were so upset when I got home. I felt so horrible and couldn't stop crying for an hour. They took my phone and I understand that. But they told me that they didn't know who I was anymore and they were scared for me. I explained to them what was going on and my mom flipped. Ever since she got sick she hasn't been able to deal with things very well. My dad was more understanding which almost never happens. This whole thing wouldn't have happened in the first place if they would just let me make my own decisions. Of course lying was a very VERY stupid thing to do and I feel completely horrible for it. But it's my A ex who is paying for it and he didn't even know I had lied. I just wish they could all get along and at least TRY to understand eachother. Now I'm having to face the decision to eliminate him from my life or distance myself from my parents who I love more than anything in the world. I am hurting a lot inside and just feel like a bad person. I guess I just had to get that out. Thanks for reading.
Hello Brook, I have a son the similar age to you and he tells us the odd fib too, the thing is as parents we love you so so much, when your not where you tell us you will be the projection kicks in for us and our minds go on overdrive, I am terrible as this, and my son does lie because he knows I dissaprove of the people he hangs about with,and I fear for him, but I also understand he needs his friends too and someone and somewhere he can go and just learn to be, now, we are just trying to strike an happy balance with him, I think this is a tricky situation from both sides, if you were my daughter and you told me what you have written I would be very proud of you, we all make misjudgements sometimes thats how we learn, for me honesty is always the best policy, (((((((((hug's)))))))))
Brookiebabe222 wrote:I felt horrible for lying and it ate me up. Hi Brookie
Youve owned it, well done, and youre learning from it so now you can move on in your recovery. It is tough. Your loved ones are concerned and speaking personally, as a Mum, it wont just be about your health.
Im the mother of an addict son and while I know he is a good and caring person, his first love was always his drug of choice......alcohol.....he couldnt have an honest healthy relationship, or friendship, if he tried. How many times has he dodged answering the phone to squirm out of another lie.....too many, because I was the one that had to appease whoever was on the phone. Then I got into recovery and he had to sort out his own mess.
I think its great that you are looking at the impact on your life of this friendship.
Wow they took your phone? Thats what really caught my attention for some reason. I have 2 grown children..one is an A who i would obsess over and call repeatedly the other a very respondsible child whom once she turned 18 her life was her own. If she wanted to tell me where she was going she would if not then I trusted her judgement. And i am sure she told a fib or two....that's what kids do to keep thier parents off thier backs. I get that Of course my A child is a chronic liar, so I can't expect anything that comes out his mouth to be the truth. And have learned not to bother arguing about his chronic lying, thats what addicts do Sounds like you have a very controlling family, I came from a very controlling family ( this was way before cell phone days) so I would lie in order to go out and do what I wanted. Lying is not the best way to go, I think as you work the program you may gain the tools that allow you to be honest and live your life as you choose. Forgive yourself..... the great thing about parents is they love you no matter what you do Blessings
From another perspective here......i understand your parents concern for you being with an addict. Taking your phone away is just an attempt to control your addiction. Its like pouring out the alchol and thinking thats going to stop the a from drinking.......Taking away your phone is no more going to stop you from seeing this person if you to choose to...but I get it......we make attempts to control people when we see them so out of control ...not that any of it works. Glad your here and keep coming back and learning about you ........thanks :) and blessings your way...
I understand well the complete absorbtion into the addict. I lived, slept and wept about the addict all day long. I also believed he did listen to me. The listening was pretty conditional. His wanting to know how I was actually was all about how could he make me enable him to drink.
I know I grew up in a home where over reaction was commonplace. My mother regularly searched for me at night. She made a huge fuss over the littlest things and then at the same time I was tremendously neglected.
Growing up in a family where over reaction is the nomr is a hard thing. Being expected to be tracked is also a hard thing. I have to strategize a lot at work for example because I am not used to being accountable for my time however long the corporate aids are.
