The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
... AH has been more like his old self lately although has never stopped drinking - just less and beer instead of brandy. He even took Son over to local pub/bar to play/shoot pool on Wed evening. He has also been talking about how we should celebrate our 40th wedding anniversay in Jan 2012 (like we have something to celebrate?!)
But yesterday I came home from work to find him in a foul mood - for no good reason I could see or he could explain. He was really nasty to me, extremely verbally abusive. Even though I am used to this (even as I typed that I thought how sad I should put up with it to the point of being used to it!), I was upset.
Then this morning he came sheepishly into my room, not to aplogise, but to tell me he had been sick all night. He was vomiting as I left for work this morning. This evening he tells me he is feeling better than he was but still not good and feeling very sorry for himself. No thought as to how Son and I felt. I asked if he had been drinking brandy again and he said no (but then he lies with impunity) so I don't know. It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde.
But I am so sick and tired of it all. I really am.
Half the time they can't remember what they do or say so have no idea of the hurt and pain caused, and if they do remember they're so disgusted with themselves sorry doesn't even touch it.
My son once said I can't look you in the eye Mum because I can't stand to see the pain I've caused........and then went on to cause more
It's soul destroying for everyone involved . I well relate to sick and tired....the ups the downs the hope the fear.......
Take care of you and your boy, you're powerless over the addiction.
In addition to Ness' post, my exha has, in a lucid moment, told me that his actions are too painful to bear; that he must not think of it or he could not continue.
I am learning not to expect apologies, even when it would seem logical. In fact, I am learning to not develop expectations... one of the millions of things I am working on. I'm back to taking life a minute at a time and doing the next right thing. It is true, the only thing that I can do is try and occupy my time constructively. I am not feeling good yet, but trying to fake that too.
I sure know that sick and tired feeling. My spouse is not an A but our son is. As much as I love him unconditionally I hate this disease All I can do is work my program and take care of myself. And remember that when I talk to my son it is his disease that talks back to me, it's not the beautiful, loving boy we raised. He has been in jail/rehab the last 10 months and is now able to leave the jail during the day to look for work. I know he's out there and it's all I can do not to obsess on what he is doing. Knowing this is the last chance he's going to get to get his felony possesion charge off his record. Knowing that the addict in him knows he can take over the counter medications to achieve his high and how many hours it takes to exit his system so if they test him at the jail it will be clean. But so far so good I keep busy, keep the focus on me as much as I can Hoping you are doing the same This disease sucks, but I have finally come to believe that we here in this program are the lucky ones. There are so many more of us out there that are suffering terribly as they have not yet found thier own recovery. I thank my HP everyday for leading me here. Blessings to you
