The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey everyone. I really appreciate all the help and support I have recieved from all of you. I have been struggling a lot these past couple days. I broke up with my addict boyfriend of about a year yesterday because he started using again. I have found it so hard to stay away from him and not talk to him. He lives less than two miles away from me. I have been talking to him a lot since the break up. We kissed today and I could shoot myself for it. I thought that for once I could stand my ground and let us actually be totally broken up for once. It's just so difficult because he's my best friend and I am still so in love with him. I know he's still in love with me too but his using is getting out of control. I just found out he's been smoking pot for the last four days and taking percocet. It kills me to hear that. He was so good for six months. How could he go back to doing things that are even worse than he did before? I'm so scared for him. He's 22 and living at his parent's house right now until he can save enough to move out. But he's spending his money on drugs so I don't see that happening soon. And his mom has really bad arthritis and has tons of percocet and loratab. She has it in a safe but she keeps forgetting to lock it so he steals it. I want to tell her so bad. She has a right to know, and I know he'll get kicked out. I just don't know if it's my place. It kills me to see him going through this and seeing how proud his parents are of him when they totally shouldn't be. They think he's still clean. I hate this. I love him so much and I want to be with him, but being with him while he is using kills me inside. I know that it's his disease and there's nothing I can do about it, but it doesn't change how much I hurt. I am just so confused. Help? :'(
I and many others have been just where you are -- still so in love with someone who loves the bottle above all. We can't tell you what to do except to focus on yourself and your own recovery. Go to online and f2f meetings, keep reading everything you can get your hands on, ask questions, learn to draw boundaries that you can keep to. It does get better.
Hi Brooke :) I dont think that telling on him will make any difference either which way. Its certainly not going to make him stop using thats for sure. I remember when I first arrived here and everyone kept telling me to focus on myself I really had no idea what they meant. We get so consumed in the addict and obsessing about what they are and are not doing that we totally lose ourselves. I absolutely refused to believe that there was nothing I could do. That really was the last thing I wanted to hear, so much so that I almost didnt come back. :) Please read as much as you can about addiction Brooke, it has nothing to do with anyone but the addict and all our well intentioned efforts, love etc...wont change them. You will find here something you may have lost...you :) thanks and pease keep coming back.
I live with my bf who drinks/uses opiates and I know how it feels to be in your shoes. The thing is, I have learned to focus on me and with the tools and steps in Alanon and my sponsor helping me, I am getting better. The focus stays where it belongs, on me. There are days I faulter, but I am working on it and am progressing. We don't tell you to leave the A, we tell you to concentrate on you. I know full well what you are going through, but the best thing we learn here is to focus on ourselves. I have learned to detach with love, which means that I allow him to be him. HIs parents are in alanon now too and are also detaching, which is helping. The shift in consciousness is helping him want recovery. I no longer place expectations on him, or hopes because I know that will cause me to become resentful if those things don't happen. I ask HP every single day, and sometimes every moment to help me through, to help me keep my focus on me and to help me in all things. I am so glad you are here, keep coming back, it works if you work it!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
The option to do nothing is recommended frequently. Something that is been done by many and worked is to just simply let them be who they are, be gentle with ourselves in our interactions with them, and get involved in the Al-Anon program. It is hard to stay away and cut ourselves off from them. I did the on again off again thing for a long time. And that is ok. I kept learning, still am, and wasn't done until I was done. Tried really hard not to be done.
The easiest course of action now is to simply take care of myself and keep my side of the street clean. What others are going to do is out of my control. At first, this concept seemed IMPOSSIBLE as I had never done it before. But once you start practicing it becomes easier than trying to control/save/ change someone else, which is pretty much beating your head against a brick wall. Things don't change in that scenario. When I started to change myself - things changed!!!
Good luck. Please keep coming back. When I was in the midst of my heartbreak and needing to remove myself - the book "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody really helped me. Along with the Al-Anon lit, of course.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
As the parent of an addict ( who also stole my prescription meds ) trust me when I tell you His mother already knows, just like I did I was just not ready to admit it. Regardless of the complete obviousness of it. I knew ( as I am sure his mother does) exactly how many pills I had etc and when it would be less than my calulations, I stayed in denial and convinced myself I must be taking more than I thought. So he really doesn't need you to "out" him to his parents. I locked up my meds, only to have my son break the lock, we put a lock on our bedroom door only to have him take the door off the hinges while i was gone...I did all those things while still in denial believe it or not. I am sorry you are hurting, remember this is a progressive disease that only gets better when the person accepts recovery. Personally I just went off my meds thinking that was the solution..nope he just moved on to whatever else he could get his hands on. Please work on you and get yourself stronger and your life back under your control, right now you are letting your bf's life control yours. He needs to hit his own bottom, seems you have hit yours. There is nothing wrong with loving someone with this disease. They are just as deserving of love as anyone. But don't let his disease consume your life ( and it will ) work on you. When you work on yourself you aide in the recovery of others and thats the truth. Blessings your way
