he's drinking with my son, court again? - Al-Anon Family Group

Melissa21 · Senior Member

he's drinking with my son, court again?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My question would be: if you had a babysitter who you found out was drinking while taking care of your son, would you leave your little boy with him for 4-6 hours?

I can so identify with the relief of having a day to myself, without any childcare issues. When my ex relapsed bigtime, it was hard realizing that all the childcare was going to be up to me, 24/7/365. But my ex wasn't a resource. Instead of depending on him, what I did was to set up childcare exchanges with other parents. (Other single parents, even better! But sometimes there aren't any around.) Like, I would take care of both kids on Tuesdays, and the other mother would take care of both kids on Saturdays. That way I'm not putting my free time and my child's safety in the hands of someone incredibly unreliable. It takes a while to set up, but it's been so worth it. (Sometimes I felt as if I were 'stalking' the other parents -- being extra friendly! Always proposing playdates! But the kids and the parents have been so good to have in our little 'community.')

The thing about drinking is that it distorts their judgment, and it's progressive. My ex loves our son dearly and would never endanger him when in his right mind. But he's left him alone to go buy alcohol, he's driven drunk with him, and he's left him near things that could hurt him (high open windows, boiling pots, etc.) All of this while I thought he was sober and, of course, he swore he was. But they always swear they're sober. They never, ever say, 'Actually, today I'm going to drink hard and let it affect my judgment and take risks with our child's safety, and I might even pass out.'

The one thing I know from my experience is that when he's an active drinker, it doesn't matter what he promises -- with all the good will in the world, he can't keep the promise.

Also, my lawyer has said that what gets to be the 'norm' is what the law will go by. So if I let my ex supervise our child, that suggests that I think he's not drinking, and the law will pay attention to that. And the longer it goes on, the harder it is to change. So I'd want to make the arrangements safe early in the game, not try to get them changed later. Also, it doesn't take an overnight stay for your ex to drive drunk, or pass out and leave your child unattended. Or for your child to wonder why dad's acting so funny and ignoring him.

That's my experience. Do keep taking good care of your child and of you.

-- Edited by Mattie on Friday 5th of November 2010 04:55:37 AM

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

On him buying toys, that seems like a normal divorce situation where the other parent's house becomes like Disney Land. In my situation, my older son goes to see his dad for 6 weeks in the summer. He gets everything he wants out there and trips to fun parks etc. I have no control over what his dad is buying for him. The only thing I can do is remind my son that not everyone has the money to buy something every time they go to the store and my son has learned that to be true. He has been in this situation since he was 2 years old. On the drinking part, I would have to say, ask the lawyer what she thinks at this point. ?

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

First the simple ( well not so simple but very common) thing of your exh not saying no and buying your son all these toys. We always called that the "Disneyland Dad". The parent feeels guilty they can't be with thier child more so they over compensate with buying them things or taking them places. Not a whole lot you can do about that unless you and ex get on the same page.
As far as the drinking..... while I believe your husband may be drinking around your son I am wondering how you would prove that. As far as your son knows it's "pop" and if called to testify thats what he will say.
I know that does not help you at all but accusations don't make it true in a court of law.
I am sorry....the only thing I could think of to do is make a surpise visit over to ex's house during a visit to see if he has been drinking and I don't know what the legalities of that are.
Hope you get it all worked out
Blessings

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Family court can order a piss test or breathalyzer test at anytime? smile

Melissa21 · Senior Member

thanks for the replies. As far as the toys im trying to just let it go. I've asked him to keep those toys at his house .. the main reason it bothers me is because I do have a 7 year old daughter and she gets hurt when brother always has new toys.. it's nothing expensive but that's beside the point. I've tried nicely explaining to him he can tell our son no and that our son will still love him. Like today he came to pick him up and my son just gave him this puppy dog face (i've never seen it before) and asked to go shopping for a new car. He knows daddy will give in lol ...

I get what you are saying xeno, but when the court ordered this it was because my son is old enough to talk .. and as far as the yellow pop A never drank pop the 2 yrs we were together it hurt his stomach he always said and my son LOVES pop i rarely buy it just because if i turn my back he is drinking it ALL .. And my son says daddy's pop is icky. My mom came for dinner the other night and brought mountain dew my son came up to me and smelled it and then asked if he could have some. Seemed a bit weird to me. And my sons has told me he gets suckers at A's gf's work and daddy buys yellow pop (she works at liquor store) I know none of this is facts and solid proof but it's enough proof for me to be worried about my son.

And to jerry, I had no clue they could or would do that. But he admits to still drinking just not with my son, so it would show positive either way.

I try not to ask my son too much or any details just because I don't want to confuse him. I'm not educated on how to do this and don't want him to say things just based on what i say or don't say. So i just ask what they ate for dinner and where they bought their dinner at. I figure if it goes to court or before they will have someone talk to my son that knows what they are doing.

I think the next step will be calling my lawyer see what she says about what my son is telling me and take it from there.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Melissa))),

I think if you reread your post, you'll find the answers. Sometimes a bit of distance is good. I had a wise sponsor who taught me to write down the questions, just like you did and see if the answer is right there. You'll make the right decisions that is in the best interest of you and your son. You're a great Mom. Mom's always know best. Much love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh melissa
Don't get me wrong..I believe you in your belief that your ex is drinking around your son. And I know if it were my child I would be extremly concerned and worried when the child is in his care.
I think if your son is articulate enough to tell these things to a judge then you may get supervised visits. But son has to be asked the "right" questions. Thats all I was trying to convey.
Hoping it all goes the way you want it to

Blessings

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

My daughter is in the Jerry F camp, she has refused access unless her x agrees to be tested... of course hes throwing it all back in her face with all kinds of threats but ...... bottom line, his child is not top of his priority list. He is an activeA and at the moment an unfit parent. He cannot be trusted to keep his child in a normal, safe and nurturing environment.

Its such a minefield, Im sorry youre going through this.

In support.

(((((hugs)))))

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you as one who always has a Plan B, and would encourage you to go forward with that now. Also, I wonder if children's services or something like that would not be called upon to do home checks while the boy is with his father. ??? It's hard for me to think that you can actually rely upon a 3 year old to be telling the whole story, although I'm sure you want to believe him.

I'm concerned for your son's safety .

Good to see you again Melissa in spite of this issue.

wp

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