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Hi this is going to be a long post so I hope someone will take the time to read it and help me.
I have been Married for the past year and a half and I have been with him nearly 5 years.
I feel like I have married 2 people 1 who I adore the most amazing kind hearted man I have ever met and the other I cant even stomach.
He dosent drink everyday but since we have been married I would say it happens at least 3 times a week< I cant believe drink turns someone into a complete different person, he will argue and call me every name under the sun to try and push the reflection away from admitting that he has had a drink.
At the minute he is in the spare room sleeping off yet another drunken state and in the morning he will be back to the man I love he will then either say he will change because he cant lose me and this will last for a couple of weeks or he will deny he had a drink the night before it will be he was tired or its his medication.
I feel like I live a double life my friends and family dont know anything about it and they think the world of him (if only they knew what I have been going through)
I am really ill at the moment I have been for months (nothing to do with this but it dosent help) and I feel really hurt that he is doing this.
I cant go out with my friends for fear that he will be drunk when I get home so I dont bother its less hassle and I hate going out with him because he is greedy with his drink and as soon as we get home its Do you Love Me? Do you still want to be with me? are you sleeping with someone else blah blah blah!!
Everytime it happens I get nearer and nearer to leaving him and telling everyone the truth but a part of me stops me doing it for a couple of reasons 1. there will be no turning back and 2. I dont want people looking down the noses at him because every other part of him is perfect.
At the moment I have decided to leave him and pick up the pieces of my life as much as it will hurt but then what happens in the morning when the man I love is in front of my face!!
I just dont get it, how can a person depend on something and another person dosent?? If he is dependant how can with the threat of me leaving he can stop for a couple of weeks if he has the will power to do it then why cant he always?? How can he care about a bottle of Vodka more than he cares about us,..
I will do anything to help him but I cant if he wont help himself, please help before i destroy my marriage and him
I began on this journey in Alanon this past July. I am four months in. I have found that when I concentrate on me and keep my focus on me, I feel better. If I sit around all day worried about someone else, it makes me sick. In alanon I was taught to accept that I am powerless over another person's using or drinking. I cannot change them, make them do what I want them to do and that it was not my fault that they drank. That is our 3 C's: I did not cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. I have learned to detach with love. Detachment means allowing the other person to be who they are. In alanon we learn to put the focus on us, for we can only change ourselves. The serenity prayer says: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. You cannot change him, you can only change you, your reactions and how you go about your life. If you can find a face to face meeting that helps, but coming here is great as well. I have also learned that I cannot force a solution to make someone not drink/use drugs. I cannot coerce them, and nothing that I tried to do to make them stop worked, not yelling, screaming, silent treatments, controlling, expecting, nor passive agressiveness. The only thing that has worked is turning my focus on me and working the steps in this program. This is time for you to take care of you. (((HUGS))))
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
The experience, strength, and hope sunflowergirl offered is what has worked for her and myself included. We don't offer advice, only what the Al-Anon program has taught us that can make our life better while living in the disease of alcoholism. There are no magic answers, there is no know cure to a disease that is best described as cunning, baffling, and powerful. The disease takes over the mind, body, and spirit, of the alcoholic making everything else always play second fiddle.
I have been where you are. I am where you are. There is only one difference between you and me, four years ago I got involved in the Al-Anon program and listened to what had worked for others. I started attending face to face Al-Anon meeting in my area. I wanted what I saw other members had. Many were in much worse situations than myself but were smiling and giving back what the program had given them. I wanted what they had. I made a choice. I choose to make my life better. I took the program serious. I trusted it. I didn't question it. I started attending two f2f meeting each week. Nothing changed overnight. But by looking, listening, and using the tools of the program I welcomed and applied what other members, and members of MIP, who had walked in my shoes offered me unconditionally. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it wasn't the on coming train I had been living with for years. The disease had made me as sick or sicker than the alcoholic in my life.I was tired of doing all the crazy things this disease makes us do. I wanted and deserved a better life.I found that life in the rooms of Al-Anon. You can have the same.
Find a meeting in you area, keep coming back to Miracles in Progress and posting. Members here will give you their ES&H, what has worked for them. This site will give you the hope and support you need and along with f2f meetings you can get your life back.
Remember two things.....you are the only person you have any control over.....and you are not alone anymore.
I'm glad you found us. It's time for you to start taking care of you. We call that taking care of yourself first, and you deserve it.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 4th of November 2010 09:53:12 PM
Hi-I have been reading here a couple of months. Tonight I went to my first ftf meeting. It was pretty good to be with other people going through much of the same thing. Mostly what I am getting is, I need to change myself. I am not going to sit around waiting for the next shoe to drop. If you want to go out, go out. You really should if that is what you want. They are going to ask the same stupid question or accuse you of the same stuff. I choose not to listen anymore. That is on him. If he wants to spend his night with a botttle, well I do not so I do my own thing. My two cents. Like I said I am new-this is what is working for me. Oh-and I told him I went to the meeting tonight-he said is that for me? I said, no, it is for me. And it is. Good luck. Baby steps! Hugs, Just Jill
Everyone has given great esh so far so ill be quick
First thing that comes to my mind is when you don't know what to do then wait .. Maybe you could try some meetings and see how things go.
You said: If he is dependant how can with the threat of me leaving he can stop for a couple of weeks if he has the will power to do it then why cant he always?? How can he care about a bottle of Vodka more than he cares about us,..
Alcoholism is a disease and that's why.
When I first found this place I googled so many different things read, read, read ordered alanon approved books (Available at f2f meetings or amazon.com) I continued reading all I could get my hands on. I learned a lot and SLOWLY starting using the tools and esh i was heard. It does help, things do get better .. you just have to work on it for yourself
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Aloha Furno....just a suggestion so that you understand that you are not alone or that your story isn't so different that there is no help for you. You can scroll back in time here and read the stories of the newcomers who found their way into MIP and what their stories were. You will also be able to read the suggestions to them as they have come to you. The feedback to your post is so right on and it is what I follow in my own recovery. My alcoholic wasn't a he it was a she...the rest of the story is much the same.
This is a disease of compulsion and addiction to a mind and mood altering chemical which is widely considered legal. The help you're going to get that works in here and in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. He needs help also but that isn't within your range of expertise or experience or power. What's most likely is that whatever or whoever it is that will save his butt/life it will be another recovering alcoholic and a Power Greater than himself.
Welcome to MIP...Keep coming back and do what others have done which worked for them. (((((hugs)))))
Hello and welcome ! I can't give any advice here as unless you are in physical danger we do not give advice. I can however promise you that if you join our family, find meetings to attend in your area, or check out our online meetings and start working the program you will find the answers to all your questions. You will hear others stories, what they did to achieve thier own recovery and you can try them out for yourself. One of our sayings is "take what you like and leave the rest" what works for some of us may not work for another. Just know you have options A lot of us arrive here seeing evrything in the black and white not any of the shades inbetween. Once you start working your program you will see different shades and different options you make want to explore. You will learn this is truly a disease. That when you talk with your husband it is his disease talking back to you ( weather he is drunk or sober you are always talking with the disease) the times he is sober, kind and loving believe me what he is thinking about is that next drink and how to get it. Also how to manipulate your feelings. He doesn't do this conciously it is all the disease. This is how the disease protects itself. Hard stuff to hear I know I don't have a spouse who is addicted Our son is...and my heart breaks a little more everytime i have to say that. Knowing what a kind, loving, humorous, intelligent young man he is but also knowing that everytime he opens his mouth It is not my son talking to me it is his disease. And I have to accept him for who he is not who i want him to be. No matter how badly I want it.. I love him unconditionally but hate the disease. They are two separte entities. But until my son finds his recovery I have to take care of me. It sounds selfish and feels selfish at first but working your own recovery is what is going to get you the peace and serenity you are longing for. Your husband loves you as much as his disease will allow him too...but his addiction will always come first up until the time he accepts his own recovery. Remember this is a progressive disease it only gets worse unless the person accepts recovery. SO the best thing you can do is what has already been suggested and work on your own recovery. It will be the most pricless gift you will ever give yourself. I wish you the best and hope you keep coming back Blessings
