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After 9 days of sobriety, my AH relapsed -- HARD. The sobriety came from him being on such a long, hard binge that his body literally started breaking down. He has blood pressure and cholesterol issues as it is and has been an alcoholic for over 20 years (sometimes worse than others). He got scared that he was going to essentially kill himself by drinking if he didn't stop. So he stopped. We had 9 days of him saying how much better he feels and how much he is realizing what he has been missing with me and his girls (ages 6 and 9). This ended Tuesday when he got drunk and then Wednesday drank and slept most of the day and became quite drunk by evening. Although he was in bed, he was yelling. I slept in the bedroom with both my girls and had each of them ask me separately " What is wrong with daddy?" It broke my heart. I didn't know what to tell them. My oldest knows he drinks and she hates it. She gets very angry if she sees him drink or sees empty cans in the trash. I grew up with an alcoholic father and was aware of it at an early age. It scarred me and it scarred my relationship with my father. Even though I love him very much - I don't trust him. I swore I would never let my children grow up that way but I am. Sorry I'm rambling so much. Just having a really hard time coping. Thanks for reading.
Our kids deserve one sane parent so breaking down is not an option , if your not already attending meetings for yourself please find a couple you need support from people who have been where your at . the best way for me to support my husb is to have my own program .. kids only want to know the truth they dont need to know the nitty gritty stuff but explaining that daddyis like that when he drinks too much lets them know they are not responsible . We print an amazing book for young pre teen kids its called Whats Drunk Mama , explains so that little ones understand , talks about respect for the alcoholic and how to take care of themselves . you can find the book on ebay or other sites its about 6 $ . It only takes one person to create change by attending meetings itmay encourage your husb to follow in recovery for himself . AA will give him the support he needs and Al-Anon will take care of you .
I just wanted you to know that I have been in your place too, and I feel for you. My kids now 10 & 14 kept asking what was wrong with Dad. It breaks your heart.
It was a relief when he went into outpatient treatment and told them he had a drinking problem. Then I had a separate discussion with each one. Abbyal is right, kids just want to know the truth. There is an Al Anon saying, "We are only as sick as our secrets." It breaks your heart to have to tell them, but they know something is going on, and they appreciate the honesty and openness when they hear the truth.
I'd like to add that there will be a literature table at the meetings where you can look thru pamphlets and books we use/used to become aware including literature written to help youngsters like "what is drunk Mama". Most of it is free.
Coming to understand the disease of alcoholism, what it is and how it works and what happens from it was a major awakening for me. I learned what real sobriety was and wasn't and how the disease is cunning powerful and baffling. I learned the difference between my wife and my alcoholic...two very different and separate people. When I learned that I knew how to adapt my behavior and understand when I was in a "we" relationship and not a "me" relationship.
Breaking down is what sent me to Al-Anon because when I gave up I was able to admit that I was powerless and had an unmanagable life...which was real. So break down...stop and come to the face to face meetings where you're liable to meet some of us and learn a different way of living.
Not drinking isn't the same as being sober. Alcoholism affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions. If he isn't drinking the body will often feel much better however the mind, emotions and spirit are left without support and he will drink again sooner or later and it will be worse than when he stopped.
Keep coming back to MIP....You are not alone and have support here. There is an Alateen board also which might be of help to your children. (((((hugs)))))
I can identify, my wife had rages or crying fits at different times, threatened to walk out and did once or twice (just for a few hours). My daughter had to witness all this and I did my best to normalize until I thought she could understand. Now she knows that Mommy gets "really cranky" sometimes and that it's not my daughter's fault. She's afraid of "making Mommy mad"...now I tell her not to worry about it. If she gets mad that's mommy's problem. She knows too that mommy doesnt' stay mad, so she tends to ignore it, but it was so painful to see her experience all this, including threats of divorce etc.
I grew up the way you did too. For the sake of the children it is important that they understand daddy is sick with a disease. If they see him as silly, obnoxious, dumb, mean etc they know they are a part of him so they will start wondering if they are going to be like that too. I would just encourage open discussions with them, Also I am sure there are books out there that are age appropriate that can help you make them understand the disease concept. I have found that anger usually stems from fear based emotions. I think it is doubly hard on little ones because they are totally dependant on thier parents to care for them. feed them. comfort them, put a roof over thier heads. When they become fearful that a parent can't be there for them it usually presents itself as anger. I know thats how I felt anyway. So you are the parent they can depend on. And your recovery will aide in thier recovery all with educating them on this disease. Sorry you are going thru this, please get yourself to meetings and work your recovery. Blessings
