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One thing I'm still confused about is how to respond when I find my wife drunk (hasn't happened in a while, fortunately!). For a while I just sort of thought I would ignore it; now I'm wondering if that does more harm than good.
My thoughts at this point are--don't say anything while they are drunk, when they are sober the next day calmly and with as little judgement as possible raise the issue and not let it turn into a fight. Thoughts?
With my mom, who is still an active alcoholic, I just ignore it entirely. If I want to have a conversation with her about something important (not related to her alcohol consumption), I wait until she's sober to do it. If she's drunk and acting obnoxious, I go somewhere else in the house or find something to do outside.
I examine my motives in bringing up my mom's drinking after the fact. If, by bringing it up, I am hoping that she will stop drinking, I don't bring it up because I am attempting to control her. I also believe that alcoholics are aware that they have a problem and that other people are affected by their problem - and bringing it up every single day creates shame. I have found that it's better to just go about my business and leave my mom to hers - whether that includes getting drunk or doesn't. In my opinion, though, if you're bringing up drinking while communicating a boundary or something of that nature, doing it calmly when the person is sober would be ideal.
My thoughts.... act/say however best serves YOU and your serenity/recovery.... The three C's remind us that we cannot "cause" their sobriety any more than their drunkenness, so I don't think what/how we react is much of a factor - to them - whatsover.
In general, the more we are able to detach (from their disease), the better off WE are, and often times it is also ultimately the best for the A as well...
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I've gotten to where I just ignore him when he's drunk. Sometimes easy to do, sometimes not. Even when I say¨I'm not going to listen to you or talk to you right now¨ he will follow me around talking at me. So sometimes I have to go somewhere else. When he's drunk he usually stumbles around for an hour then passes out. Which is not a good situation, but it is easier to deal with than when he's wide awake drunk. As far as the next day, I don't even mention it anymore. I'm done with the ¨day after¨ talks because they never did any good. Now I concentrate on taking care of myself.
Remember the three C's... you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
What YOU are doing has absolutely no bearing on what SHE is doing.
We are powerless over alcohol.
I found for me, I managed to keep my serenity in tact best when I just acted like nothing whatsoever was amiss. The A's drinking... what's new? What would I be doing if I weren't obsessing about the A? Maybe I can pick up the phone and call my sponsor or a friend. Maybe I can read some Al-Anon literature. Maybe I can get to a meeting. Maybe I can enjoy my day.
I agree, at first I tried to do the day after talks, I put everything in "I statements" and talked a lot. My bf is very receptive and we did talk together, it wasn't just me talking at him. But I began to realize that it didn't work. And the more I detach and concentrate on me, the less he drinks/uses. Now if I feel obsessive, I call my sponsor or read on here or read Alanon literature. I keep bringing the focus back to me as much as I can. Take care of you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
My response is going to be a bit different, I think, than the others I've read so far. My now sober AH's drinking behavior included him wanting to be around me and the kids even when we tried to go to another part of the house. About a month ago, which was a good three months into his sobriety, he had an incident in which he exhibited all of the behaviors of drinking. I asked him if he had been drinking and he, of course, denied it. I stopped asking and engaging with him at all. Thankfully, I had plans outside the house that night, but I worried about my kids (10 & 14) having to be around that behavior after all they've been through with his former drunkenness.
In the end, and after talking with my therapist, I decided to draw a boundary with him. I talked to him calmly when he was sober and told him that when he is the way he was that night, I am going to drive him to a hotel where he can stay the night, or he can have his sponsor or his mom take him in -- that I just cannot be around the behavior, nor can or should the kids. He said he "heard me loud and clear."
That boundary was truly for ME (and the kids). Not an effort to change his behavior, but a plan to protect my serenity. It was a message to him, in advance, that this is what WILL occur. Naturally, you have to be willing to back up your words if you say something like that -- and I am. I was SO relieved when I expressed this to him. Thankfully, I haven't had to put this into practice. It just was a relief to have a plan that I can have at the ready if it's necessary.
Cloudsea
-- Edited by Cloudsea on Thursday 4th of November 2010 04:39:18 PM
-- Edited by Cloudsea on Thursday 4th of November 2010 04:39:57 PM
Simple awareness taught by my sponsor and early groups worked best for me...When she was drunk...she was "drunk". You cannot rationalize with a drunk and they will not understand...the alcohol is in the way. Save that for when you need it cause by your awareness she isn't drunk now. Live in the moment. (((((hugs)))))
My thought is, what would motivate one to talk to a drunk about their drinking? What outcome do they want?
No talking to a drunk person is worth anything. Talking to them when they are sober is moot. We cannot change anything.
Unless we are deciding to make a boundary. Ex: if you continue to drink, you can no longer live here. And stick to it.
It is like telling a person with a migraine not to have any more migraines. Until they choose to get help, they will still have migraines.
No one has the right to tell another what to do, or not to do. We are adults. But we do have the right to make decisions what we will choose to live with or not.
In reading everyones responses to you they all have the same thing in common. Nothing worked. Talking to them at the time or talking to them the next day. I came to realize that the alcoholic is going to do what they are going to do...drink...plain and simple. For me, as pineapple said, I put the focus on myself, take care of me. I never react anymore, at the time or the next day. They say you don't have to go to every arguement you are invited to, likewise, you don't have to go to every conversation you are invited to. For me life is to short to sit and talk to anyone who has had to much to drink. I don't do it anymore. I've wasted to many hours listening. If I put the shoe on the other foot, I wouldn't expect anyone to carry on a drunken conversation with me.
We are all effected by their disease. It's our responsibility to limit the effect their disease has on us and our serenity................... we do have control over that.
Talking about it?.....the alcoholic loves that, feeds off it.....sober or drunk its all about them.
I used a lot of fake it till you make it.....got on and did stuff for me even though half the time, most of the time, I was running on empty....then gradually I didnt have to fake it.....and the alcoholic had to look at themselves.
I was taught that talking to a drunk or addict is like talking to a Stop Sign Took me awhile to figure it out but now I just see the word STOP on my sons forehead when I speak with him. I sure don't bother while he is high anymore, that is totally futile. And even when he's sober I can "talk" or try to "rationalize" with him about his disease I have to remember that any and every response I get back is his disease talking. I am still not talking with a rational person. So as far as his disease goes I find for my own peace of mind I stay out of it. He knows he went out and got high, doesn't need me to tell him that. Now because his drug of choice is hallucenigens he has no memory of what he has done. And doesn't believe me when I tell him what he's done and that just ends up in an arguement. So unless he has done something that put us in danger such as forgetting to turn off the stove or something I just remember the Stop Sign. Thats just what works for me, I think as you grow in the program you will find what works best for you. It took me a long time to start keeping my mouth shut because I was so angry and frustrated I didn't know or have the tools yet to deal with those feelings at first. So one day at a time, your answers will come Blessings
