Yesterday my AH told me his crew would be working 10 hours. I sent a message to the wife of the family he's staying with (the husband is working with my AH), commenting how I was glad they were working 10, since it would give my AH less time to sit around their house feeling sorry for himself. I realize and acknowledge now that I sent that message in an attempt to "confirm" my AH's story. She messaged back that no, they were only working 8 hours.  My heart sank and the familiar out of control anxiety returned. Why would he lie? What was he planning to do during those 2 hours?

I flew into a frenzy. I asked the wife to tell me when he got home, and if he left the house again. I pulled his cell phone call log, dismayed to see that the day's calls wouldnt appear until after midnight. I sent him a message, intending to give him the opportunity to reply that they had gotten off early. The wife then told me that my AH had planned to work 10 hours but got sent home after 8 due to the wind. He had come back to the house. But still...no contact from him. By the time he called, it was the time he would call after a 10 hour shift. I gave him every opportunity to say they'd only worked 8 hours, but he never did. At one point I said "well, at least you got to work 10 hours" and he simply agreed.  My mind began to race; even though he had been at the house the whole time, what had he been doing? why had he lied? My one personal victory is that I did not confront him about it.

We talked a few times during the evening as we usually do, and then hung up so he could go to bed. I tended to the kids and the dogs, and tried to sleep. I woke up after midnight in an utter panic. My heart raced and my hands shook as I loaded his cell phone call log onto the computer, where I found that the only number he had called all day was mine And while a small part of me was relieved, a much bigger part of me felt tremendous shame, and I knew as I closed the browser window that what I found didn't mean anything anyway: If he wants to call some girl he met at a bar, there are a thousand ways to do it without me ever knowing.

As I climbed back into bed, wide awake and utterly ashamed, I thought the following things:

1. this snooping, spying, this "need to know the truth"...where was it coming from? As I thought it through, i decided it comes from my attitude that knowledge is power; that the more I know about what he is doing and how he is lying will somehow increase my power, which I further decided was a means for me to try and assert control over his life and his choices.

2. and yet, such control is impossible. If he wants to lie and make bad choices, he will find a way to do it, no matter what. I can NEVER know everything, and my attempts to know as much as possible have left me an anxious, panic stricken mess.

3. This snooping is MY addiction, my insanity and my compulsion. The physical reaction it invokes alone seems like the kind of feeling an addict either receives from indulging her addiction, or the kind of feeling an addict uses her addiction to numb.

4. It is not my job, nor my right, to manufacture situations to "alow" my AH to come clean. His choices to be dishonest are his alone, and I cannot manipulate things to make it "easier" for him to tell the truth. Being truthful is his obligation alone.

The snooping felt like my own personal relapse...like I had fallen off the wagon, forgetting what I am learning. Now I'm trying to learn from how I felt and what my motives were, so that I can make better choices next time.