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I've been married for about 8 years now, my husband prior to us getting married he was addicted to drugs, but I was so naive that I decided to continue and see if he would give up the drug. during the 8 years have been a battle with that addiction. I decided to separate back in early this year, but we only ended up doing it for two months, he called me with the story that he was on the streets because the place where he was staying kicked him out, it was a recovery program he was in. I felt bad and took him back, after I took him back I regretted it. He's been clean from drugs for about 5 months now. I still live with that in the back of my mind if he's going to mess up again, but he has not up to this day.
Since we got back together for first time, he left the drug alone, But I just discovered during the past 4 months that he has been going online and pay a membership to chat online with women, He has bought a camera which he told me he only uses to call his mother via Skype. I think it's porno or cyber sex what he's been doing. I was able to retrieve a report of the website he goes to, and I realized everytime he has money he goes in and spend from 5 dollars to 49.99 in tokens to chat with those women. I have been monitoring this, and I confronted him once about it, and he denied it and we had a big argument 'cause he said I was accussing him and then on the next day, he admitted that he's been going online because since we got back together I don't give him much attention. My attitude has been different since I took him back even though he's not doing drugs no more, but I lived for 8 years with that drug addiction(crack cocaine) and now, is like he replaced that for the online sex thing. I've been knowing all alone that he has a neck fetish, but I know I had found pictures in his computer from lesbian kissing and stuff...Should I feel guilty for this, I really gotten to the point where I don't feel like being close to him at all. I get mad everytime he tries to touch me or try to be with me....I want to just let him live his life, and get a divorce. After I confronted him and he admitted it, he promised he won't do it no more, after that another month has passed and he keeps going online and pays for whatever he does day by day. He has not been able to finda job, and when I leave to go to work, he goes on to do his online work...I Need some suggestions, does anyone think this is replacing the crack cocaine addiction? I'm opened to receive any opinion. Is sex addiction or I don't know how to call this is this what I describe considered an addiction? does this type of addiction breaks relationship...Is it normal for me to feel the way I feel. since I confronted him about it, and feel scare to do it again what approach should I take, he screms loud with anger that he stopped doing it a month ago, and he had kind of push me to show him where I get my findings from...Thanks
Hi and thank you for your post :) It is not uncommon for addicts to replace one addiction for another or for that matter to have multiple addictions. Addiction is addiction is just the drug of choice. I dont think it really matters how you approach it to be honest here, he will do what he wants regardless, just like when he was using crack...I would guess it really didnt matter how you approached things then, he did what he did regardless. This is just another reminder of how powerless we are over others :) They are not kidding when they say its a disease of the mind, body and spirit and without a recovery program nothing really changes in my experience. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself the one person you can change. :) glad your here and thank u :)
I can remember living in the angst that you have described. The feeling of constant disappointment, betrayal and lack of trust. Even when my exaH was telling the truth I would have had no way to know that because I believe he lied much more than he ever did tell the truth and I was always confused about which was which, trying to find some sort of emotional barometer all the time.
I heard somewhere, "Q- How can you tell if an alchoholic is lying? A- He's moving his lips." Dishonesty is remarked on as being a very big part of this disease. My exaH falls into this category. No matter if I had been confronting him about use, asking him about if he adhered to our parenting plan, or he was recounting a story at work, it seemed that it was always embellished in one way or another. It came to a point where I felt as though reality with him didn't even exist anymore. That was when I made the decision to get better myself.
After 2 yrs of separation I am finally truly understanding that his journey is his, my journey is mine. I can only control mine. No amount of manipulation, sorrow, sympathy, sadness, empathy, control, anger, disappointment, etc will ever cause him to change. LIke what has happened to me, the only thing that will change him, will be a pure and personal desire to want a different life.
I have been in your shoes. I had a boyfriend for 2.5 years who was addicted to meth. When he wasn't using meth, he was calling girls on the phone sex line. I can remember going through the cell phone records and going through the computer history and wasting a whole day being so upset by what he did.
my experience is that he was using the computer/phone sex to replace the meth when he couldn't get high.
While I was with him, no one could have told me not to take it personally, as it was just another addiction. I thought it was my fault.
It was humiliating for me at the time, but now I realize it was never about me at all. I did not cause his addiction, I could not control his addiction, and I sure couldn't cure his addiction (although I thought I could).
We have NO way of knowing if they are using a drug or not. They are an addict, they are manipulative liars.
Is the disease. This online stuff is just another addiction, just like gambling. It isn't they trade one for another, they are an addict, that is what they do.
Some learn to focus this behavior to positive things, working, inventors, etc. but it is still addictive behavior. They are addicts, not curable.
When we take them back in, take care of them, we do them no favors. We end up being pulled more into the disease and stucked dry.It is the nature of the addiction to "take." Not give.
You sound like a very sweet, loving person who is being taken advantage of. Just becuz it is your husband does not make it right.
I hate to think about the emptiness and loss you must feel. We all have so many dreams when we get married. This disease robs us and the person who is an addict.
I am glad you found us, this is a great goup of people who understand and care.
Just wanted to thank you all for your words and support, I needed to find a group where I can relate to others, I was told there are meeting in tows I tried that before but because of my work it's hard to keep up with the schedule, I think this is very convenient for me to come here and vent! It is a crazy situation, what I really can't get off my mind is how can they lie and about to risk a moment of anger and get close to maybe be violent to make you believe that we are wrong. the last arguments we had has been ugly, thank God he has not there to get close to me, but I just feel like if he had two personalities.
Hi Wife :) we have on line meetings here twice a day weekdays..8am and 8 pm central time. The weekend schedule is a little different I believe sat. is 9 am central and sunday 6pm central. Hope you can find time to join us.......thanks :) hang in there it gets easier....:)
