I was finally able to attend my first in-person meeting yesterday.  In some ways it was uncomfortable and overwhelming, surrounded by strangers and not fully knowing how the meeting would be structured or what it would involve.  But of course, everyone was open and welcoming.  I chose to "pass" during the sharing portion of the meeting, as I was barely holding my emotions together just by sitting there.  But I appreciated very much what others had to say, and it was clear that people in the group are all over the map in terms of where they are in their recovery, and there is much to gain by surrounding myself with them and their experiences.

I also thought long and hard during my train ride home yesterday, about exactly what my motives were for wanting to further discuss the "phone number" incident with my AH, particularly since he had already issued an apology and acknowledged it was not a smart thing to do.  I decided that I would ask him to delete the girl's information from his phone, because that was a concrete step he could take now, as opposed to me trying to elicit a promise for future behavior from him.  I asked him, and he said he had already done so.  I then told him that my boundaries are to not take phone numbers from or give phone numbers to members of the opposite sex unless it is for work or family purposes, but that I understand that I cannot impose my choices on to him and he must make those decisions for himself.  I did not name Al-Anon as my support system, but I did tell him that my therapist and I have been discussing many of the negative aspects of my behavior (controlling, manipulation, etc.).  I apologized for my controlling and manipulative behavior, and he accepted my apology.  I reiterated my promise that I will no longer snoop or spy, because of the negative impact it has on me and my emotional well-being.  The conversation was calm, and I feel like I said what I wanted to say and communicated important things (thoughtfully, honestly, intelligently, necessarily and kindly), without being manipulative or controlling.  I made no reference to AH's previous behavior, and did not attempt to shame him or make him feel bad about anything he has said or done.  At one point he made a comment that he has issues too, and I told him that it is my responsibility to to gain control of my own actions and choices, and that it is his responsibility to make whatever changes he feels he needs to make.

I've been focusing very much on Step One this week, in addition to working very hard to be meditative and avoid letting my negative emotions take over my psyche.  I am glad I raised these issues with AH, and I feel more committed than ever to my own well-being.

Thank you, everyone, for your support and shared experiences over this past week. I know you all remember what it is like to be a newbie in Al-Anon, and the despair we feel when we first fall into the arms of the program.  I am grateful for this program, and I am working it.  One day at a time.  Sometimes one minute at a time.