The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just want to give a little of my history and then ask a couple of questions. I have a history of "falling in love" and trusting addicts of one type or another. I married at 18 an alcoholic, who at the time I didn't realize one. He left when I was 22. Visited Al Anon meetings with his mom but didn't really get it. Got married again at 30 didn't love him but thought I HAD to be married I was 30 for goodness sake and married another alcoholic. Quickly realized my stupidity and left after 7 months.
Two months ago (I'm 39 now) I had to kick my boyfriend out of my house because he was using pot...and pretty sure he's an alcoholic. But, I loved him and truly believed we would make it. Even though I kicked him out, in my stupidity I really thought he would stop and we could work it out. Crazy thing is...he's going to NA but doesn't want me in his life. It was truly devastating. I acted like a crazy person because I just couldn't understand why I was good enough to be with and lie to while he was using but not while he was getting sober. (So much more to this but I don't want to bore you). And my thoughts always went back to him and me being pathetic and what was wrong with me. I realized that my part in all of this is my uncanny ability to fall in love with addicts of some sort. I've had relationships with men that were not addicts but I really didn't LOVE them. I'm a single mom for 17 years, professional finances are stable, I was absolutely fine before a met him, and loved this man with all my heart even through some devastating situations in both of our lives. The relationships I've been in and ended I have always bounced back without concerns (except 1st husband) within days. This one...not so much. I have finally realized that it is over with him because I won't be treated like garbage as he is getting clean...if he does. But even though I know intellectually that I should not EVER want to be with a man like this, deep in my soul i KNOW if he contacted me I would fall right into the relationship again.
Soooo, I found this forum, ordered lit from narc anon and knowing I need to go to a meeting because I identified with so many people's post on here and other sites. I have got to stop myself from "falling" for addicts and especially get it out of my head that this man will one day want me. My questions are...should I go to a meeting or see a counselor? Should I go to narc anon or al anon?
Aloha CL and welcome to MIP...I have along with many others done both...counselor and Al-Anon. My counselors have always made sure to suggest that I stay within the rooms of recovery. What room? Most meetings are open meetings so you get to choose...the closed ones are for members who identify with the particular program and there are no participants in the room from outside of the program. We are considered "social model therapy" or one victim of the disease supported, loved and guided by other victims who have made positive changes to their lives. Go looking as soon as you can and get started on fixing you.
Our stories are similar as I also use to collect (LOL) addicts and alcoholics...my reason was because I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and it was usual for me to think and act that way. Non-addicted people were "unusual" for me...no connection. I'd find an alcoholic or addict or both and take them home right away with solid conviction even against their own wishes. Guess I was taking hostages as I was taught in Al-Anon, "You don't find lovers Jerry F...you take hostages". It was true my first two wives (addict and then alcoholic/addict) didn't want to be married to me...WOW!! and then I didn't take no for an answer. That is one of the insanities of enabling sick people...when they don't want to be fixed I work harder at it I had some thing to gain which I never arrived at.
I learned in program still that it wasn't love that I was doing...i was actually fulfilling my own addictive compulsion. My alcoholics and addicts were my addiction. I used them even when I didn't want to use and/or wanted to give up using totally. Isn't that just like a chemically addicted person? To a degree I will always be involved in other peoples lives wanting and wishing for them to have a better outcome however I no longer do that in spite of my own life. Today I know that there is no way I can be of help to another person if I have not done for myself what needs to be done. The program is what I need to do...all of it and consitently or I fall back and get lost in old behaviors that almost took my life.
Welcome to the board. Others will show up to welcome you and share their spirits with you also. (((((hugs)))))
Hello and welcome, I would say, you can never have too much information,and coming here you will find some of the answers to your questions, if you keep coming back, I collected broken people too and tried to fix them, and I used to get crazy when they wouldn't have any of it, when I was completely crazy I decided maybe I was getting it wrong, so I have set about trying to fix me, I don't want to over complicate my life now it hurts my head, so I am enough to fix right now, I took a real offence when I was rejected, how dare someone make me feel that I was less than, I have come along way from that distorted thinking, I was broken too, and I liked the challenge, like Jerry said, NORMAL, what was that? I strived on chaos and drama, now? Give me normal, :-0.
I too have been in addictive relationships. My first marriage was to a man who was a sex addict. I had a son with him. My second marriage was to a work-aholic/porn-aholic who was abusive towards me in many ways. I had a son with him too. I am 35 now and my bf is an addict/alcoholic. I am now working on me though. I have been in Alanon since July. I have found so much to change and little by little I am doing it. I keep my focus on me. I also ask HP all the time to help me through. HP is my higher power. In alanon I have learned to take care of me, accept me and eventually love me. I have learned to: with love, detach from my boyfriend's using/drinking. I know that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. I am powerless over it. I can only change me and work on me. IN the meantime, he is starting to change too. A shift in consciousness is happening. This program works if you work it, use the tools, slogans and this board and face to face alanon meetings to do so. Take care of you....
-- Edited by sunflowergirl on Thursday 4th of November 2010 01:09:11 PM
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
