The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Conceptually, I understand how detachment works with respect to my AH. My question is more about how it works when it comes to talking/venting about my problems with loved ones. On the one hand, it helps to be open with people about my struggles. But on the other hand, when I talk about the challenges I'm facing a lot, it seems like it just gets me all wound up and agitated again.
I'm curious how my fellow members handle this...do you try to detach from discussing these things with friends/family, or do you have a strategy for communicating about these things in a healthy way?
I kept as much info as possible confined to my Alanon meetings and alanon friends for two reasons. 1. They understood and could guide me. Most other people don't get it and usually just made it worse by telling me what to do, like "Just leave". It's real easy for someone else to tell you what to do then get upset because you didn't do it. Then there is always the proverbial "I told you so". Ugh!!
2. Once friends and family know they hold grudges and even if the situation improves they still hang on to them and gossip amongst themselves about your A, you, and what you should have done and didn't. Sometimes there are even confrontations.
Talking with people that know the program is less likely to get you upset because many times they can offer solutions or share what worked for them.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I too have had this problem when I first came to al anon I talked to family and friends constantly I was looking for answers, I did not have them did anyone else. What happened was everyone turned on my ABF and judged him. He drank more to escape the shame and guilt. People began to loose respect for me because I stayed. I can still do it today sometimes with similar outcomes people do not know what we are experiencing they give suggestion coming from a good place but it is the blind leading the blind. When I pick up the phone or attend a meetings and speak to someone who is working the programme and who has gained knowledge and experice I am using my al anon tools. I get better outcomes suggestions of how to have compassion for my sick partner while taking care of myself.
I also try to confine this kind of discussion either to my f2f meetings, my sponsor, or here. First, I have had problems with gossip in the past, and it is too hard for me to differentiate between what is gossip and what is not. So I just don't discuss my AH at all, unless it's something really general. I never discuss his recovery, as I believe it is his recovery to do with whatever he will - and not my business to spread around my family. My family gossips a lot as well (apple didn't fall far from the tree ... hehee), and I know that whatever I say to most of my family members will immediately be spread.
Not to mention, as someone else said, when I used to discuss all the bad stuff my exAH did, how he was drinking and being obnoxious, how he spent all the money, how bad things were, etc. with my family and friends, they started to dislike him. In retrospect, I don't believe that was fair because all they had to go on was my very sick perspective of things. Had we been able to reconcile and stay together, I don't know if he would've ever been able to get back in the good graces of some of my family - they just disliked him too much based upon all the things I'd told.
I think that I have had the issue you mentioned, becoming more worked up and agitated, with journaling. Although journaling is a very useful tool for many people, it is not a useful tool for me if I just let myself go with no page limit or time limit. Instead of writing a brief overview of something and how I felt, I would go on for pages and pages (or hours and hours), and at the end I would feel so much worse. All the stuff I wrote allowed me to become more and more obsessed, and it would just be a vicious cycle. I stopped journaling for about a year because the way I was going about it helped me to stay sick. Eventually I started, but per my sponsor's instructions, I'm limited to the front side of one page per day. I don't get to write 20 pages front and back, and dig myself further and further into either depression or anger. Not offering advice, but just wondering if this is the same things you're experiencing and perhaps shortening the conversations to not involve so much detail would lead to less obsession and therefore less agitation.
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Tuesday 2nd of November 2010 04:09:52 PM
