The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I am going to rest without the guilt. There is so much work to be done around my home. I always beat myself up because I think I am a lousy housekeeper. I have told myself many times that I should be doing more.
I compare myself to this imaginary supermom that can do all things. I am replacing that with accepting my limits.
Since I have started back to college, there has not really been any time for me to relax. On my days off I am studying and caring for my 2 year old. She has a sitter for when I go to school.
It just seems like all I do is care for kids and study!! I am grateful for this opportunity, just need a little downtime spent for me today. I wanted to call someone and ask them to watch my daughter just so I can sleep!! I only really get a sitter for her when I work and go to school.
My other daughters will be home from school this afternoon. I must remember to not react to their behavior which is hard for me. I must dicipline them and that is turning around for me now, and I see the consequences of me being not making them mind when it was too hard for me. I guess discipline with love is the key, and even though discipline feels to me like I'm being mean to them and is very uncomfortable, I still have to do it because its not about me and how I feel.
I just want to validate that it is ok to take care of me. The opposing forces of negativity tell me to compare myself to others, tell me I don't do much so how could I really be so tired, etc.
I'm tired of cleaning my house under the weight of what other people would think or do if they saw how "dirty"my house was. It doesn't bother me, I worry about it because of what other people think. I have a real problem with judgement from other people. I am afraid of somebody saying something bad about me or my family. There...I said it.
It really doesn't bother me what my house looks like, what bothers me is what other people think. I have a real fear of that. I said it again.
Does anyone have esh on this fear of people? I'm ready to deal with this negative emotion and not quite sure how. Step four? step one? It's none of my business what other people think? keep surrendering?
I am replacing this fear by telling myself that isn't the only feeling I can choose to have. This one is a big one though, it just seems like I fall back to it every time I make a decision in my life: what will "they" think??
Kath, I think this is a very common problem for moms, whether or not then have an A in their life. I refer to it as the "mommy cult"...other people who, in order to make themselves feel better about the choices they have made, judge the choices that I make. When you're a people-pleaser, it is so hard not to let that judgment get the better of you.
All I can say is that the cleanliness of your house, the fanciness of the dinner you make, the relative expense of the toys you get for your kids...that is not what matters. What matters is that you are participating in the creation and development of good, decent, empathetic human beings who make the world a better place. And what matters even more than that is that you take care of yourself. We've all said, heard and read it a thousand times: we cannot be the best parents possible if we neglect ourselves.
I got pregnant at 19 and my boyfriend was in rehab at the time. Right now, he's back in rehab and actually doing fantastic. But anyhow, it was probably easy for everyone to figure out that I was unmarried, this was not planned and that the daddy is less than capable at this time. I also lived in a very small town with lots of gossip already. I wound up moving 100 miles away, not because of the talk that's still going on regardless of where I am, but because I couldn't be expecting, working full-time and going to school full-time; I had to either cut out school or work & I picked the one that can make me more money in the long run. So now I'm back with my parents, 20 years old and about to have a baby while the daddy's in rehab. I know everyone gets a kick out of this and I know that my name is in people's mouths that I haven't spoken to since high school or neighbors who haven't seen me since I was 10. At first it upset me because I knew people would look at my son differently. Whatever.
Take care of your body and your mind, your children and your schooling. The house can wait. I know that gets overwhelming and you don't want to start because you don't have time to finish. But it's okay to only do 15 minutes of cleaning or none at all.
We are bettering ourselves through al-anon, school, and mommyhood. I have to tell myself every single day, "what you think of me is none of my business." It's easy to get wrapped up in what the neighbors will think, but it's not worth it. I know that people are going to think what they want no matter what and that I have absolutely no control over it. So I might as well live my life and be myself! Good luck :)
"I have a real problem with judgement from other people. I am afraid of somebody saying something bad about me or my family. There...I said it.
It really doesn't bother me what my house looks like, what bothers me is what other people think. I have a real fear of that. I said it again. " -kath
You are correct, it is none of their business and u need to keep surrendering that. You say, u dont care about what they think, that is what we say to ourselves but it isnt the truth, u do care or it would not be an issue here now. The first sentence u wrote, says u have guilt normally. So u are buying into the idea that if ur house appears messy, u are not good enough. Of course this is not true but if this is what YOU believe, you make it the truth today, in the present tense/time.
You are focusing on what you dont want others to think and perceive, all the while, you are perceiving this and saying it in your inner dialogue to yourself, putting u down, so u can feel and validate that u are worthless. So you not only care what they think about you, u are creating - fabricating and untrue and an unloving dialogue on thier behalf to punish you with.
Focus on what you want to expereince and feel and think, practise what u want to manifest and have, not what u do not.
The word "should" is a guilt laden word. It piles on us and allows us to feel its weight and then we dive into negative feelings -- guilt, fear -- where is the love?
Love yourself and be gentle and kind. Enjoy the time your kids are young and focus on doing better daily and getting ur education and your interests and goals.
Life is too short to speculate on what others may or may not be thinking. I know my fear made up the worst scenarios and I thought I had to be perfect to be liked - it simply is not the truth.
We do not learn, if we are perfect robots, in fact, I was so busy being perfect, I barely moved at all - doing something half way or impetuously - lol- jeez, whats that?! I have to appear perfect and controlled -- I barely did anything out of fear of making a mistake. Who cares if ppl get mad or we make a mistake - that is part of life, that is how we learn. If others have something they need to express to us, they will be sure to tell you.
Worry is a waste of time, focus on what u can do and a daily gratitude list and u will feeel better.
I was told I had to listen to me, to what I need and to put my own voice first and foremost. YOUr opinion is the most vital one in YOUr life - the relationship you have with you is the most important one in your life. Surrender what u dont love about you to your HP and give HP the problems and let go of the outcoems and controlling the future and other people and it will get better. Right now is reality, right now is all the life we are guarnateed of, do what you love and what empowers you. kcb
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you so much. It will help me weed out the shallow people!!LOL!! I do live in a small town, and sometimes I feel like everybody knows my business, and it would have helped a lot to keep my mouth shut in the beginning when my AH and I separated. I grew up here though and it seems like somebody is always the topic of discussion. They don't really talk to me because I stopped talking about people, and here recently I stopped giving them ammo by just not talking about my life and explaining to whomever would listen, and that has been a very much needed progress in my life because I thought I had to explain my life.
Thanks, kitty:
"Focus on what you want to experience and feel and think, practice what u want to manifest and have, not what u do not!!"
I certainly do not want to have these negative guilt feelings running through me ever again. It just makes more painful the times I am tired, hungry, etc.
I am a mom, I am super busy, I leave my house at 6am and do not return til after 6pm. I barely have time on weekdays and on weekends we are driving around doing things. So I feel the pain of a messy house. I would say as long as the kids are clean, they are fed and warm and happy, that is what matters most. I usually do the dishes and on Saturday morning, I take advantage of my early riser syndrome and do a few things before we have to go anywhere, but for the most part, it is organized chaos all week :) Taking care of you and the kids is the most important :)
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
kitty wrote: You are focusing on what you dont want others to think and perceive, all the while, you are perceiving this and saying it in your inner dialogue to yourself, putting u down, so u can feel and validate that u are worthless. So you not only care what they think about you, u are creating - fabricating and untrue and an unloving dialogue on thier behalf to punish you with.
Wow. That really hit home for me. I've always known that I have an inner Critical Parent that took over where the original A Critical Parents left off, and surpassed them -- never made the connection to imposing others' standards and thoughts on myself before.
I hate "shoulds" when someone else directs them toward me, but I've been heaping even more of them on myself.
Yeah, my home can get a little messy at times. I work full-time, I do volunteer work, and I have two hairy dogs that I love dearly. So sometimes I can't keep up with the fur tumbleweeds -- and that's OK!
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Oh my, this is so my Achilles Heel the last 5 years especially. I was more focused when I had structured imposed on my day externally by circumstances, i.e., school, work, etc... You know the things that require a certain time for arrival, departure and expectations while your there. By default, work/school made it easier to structure the rest of my day around. Then I had only so many hours left to fit in dinner, shopping, bills, etc... I tended to either be focused on what needed to be done or lived on a whim with my unstructured time.
Once at home with kids, initially my days were very busy trying to help with parents medical appts.and was busy. With my young children's needs. Again, theme of how I used my unplanned time was too either be super structured or if free time would love on a whim which meant nothing dinner in the house, dinners delayed, etc compared to other moms who were outside, but still followed a routine with making dinner at a set time etc... Always inner turmoil feeling whatever I was doing was wrong, inefficient, unproductive.
I now follow structure driven to meet the schedule of my kids mostly. When they were little I longed for hours of uninterrupted time to get things done, house in order. I have that now 5-6 hours a day...I call those hours of my day "My Abysmal Black Hole" it's a big void of dead time. I have zero clue, no desire to get up to do anything including exercise, talking to others, work around house, shop, pay bills,. A part of me thinks I'm overwhelmed and unable to figure out how to be productive and no matter how much I do, it's never done and with no sense of accomplishment/success. Or I feel torn in so many directions because I consider all the things that need to be done equally important, so I don't know where to start thereby never starting or finishing. Lastly, there's the thought to... Is it that I feel unsuccessful when others in family have a different ideas of what priority to be done or they don't ever have a clue of what's done or how much there is to a task of take organizing, etc...
Wish I could figured because I'm sick of feeling like a loser, inept, embarrassed, annoyed, frustrated, overwhelmed, helpless, etc....
Great thread! I am soooooooooo hard on myself. I will say something must be working. I was a perfectionist. Still am I suppose but a bit more trapped in my body these days. When my kids were little, I had clutter everywhere but......I was a neat freak. The past years with health issues (which are getting better again slowly) I have had to work at turning off my workaholic mind. Since being in this program, I have days I can turn off my mind, not look at the clutter, what needs cleaning and just rest. I never, ever could take a nap before I got here. My mind would not turn off to the housework that needed done, the stuff surrounding me. It doesn't stay that way all the time but it's so much better. The fear of someone showing up and being judged has lessened to a degree. Now to shut it off for good. Do what feels "ok" to me. NOT others and what I am comfortable with. Baby steps.
i had a super critical mother and she was totally obsessed with housework. with my XAH i had a lady come in 2x a month for hard stuff since i have health probs. otherwise i did what i could when i could.
however last 2 yrs been living with a hoarder. he is a saver and clutterer not a dirty hoarder. still im a sort of clean organizer type. So i do stuff to keep place clean[dust,mop,dishes,laundry] at my own pace and my boyfriend helps
hopefully when we move into our new place it will get better and i will try to get extra help. i think if everything is sort of sanitary then i can live with that now.
