The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was walking the dog tonight, a beautiful clear starry night...you could see stars behind stars it was so clear..you know the clusters of stars you don't normally see. Anyway while I intellectually recognized it as beautiful....I couldn't feel much at all! I should have been IMO moved and mildy entranced at the beauty....but I just felt a dull sense of "that's nice" inside. Now this one event doesn't prove anything but I really feel it's an issue with me. Someone responded to a post of mine recently talking using your heart not your head or something...I think I know what they mean.... I recently read how alcoholics have some issue with the D2 receptor in the brain, which links to the pleasure centers in some way...basically making it such that they don't feel pleasure in things that most people do. They turn to alcohol becuase it does activate that pleasure center. I feel similarly. I'm not depressed as I right this (well, I don't think so....not like I've been), I thought I was in a nice relaxed state but i did some things like lift weights, watch the end of the World Series, watch some football and parts of a movie....and feel very flat...I should have derived SOME pleasure from that. I can think of other times that I do feel a joy or pleasure doing or seeing something, but I really feel like my feelings are blunted...like I've forgotten how to feel. I need to learn to feel more than I do. Hmmmm.
just a thought, i have a really busy mind and i sometimes think if only i could switch it off, i have descovered i get lonely i am not alone but i know that when i f feel down it's when i am by myself usually at home, i work shift's now and the job is both physical and mental i am aware i forget my worries there, so for me keeping busy help's my mind body and soul! Katyx
the fact is you DID feel, fleetingly, and what you might have considered lightly...I quote:
"......Anyway while I intellectually recognized it as beautiful....I couldn't feel much at all! I should have been IMO moved and mildy entranced at the beauty....but I just felt a dull sense of "that's nice" inside........."
So, your conscious response was "that's nice..." it was a response and it was promoted by your feeling something for what you were seeing.
When we are depressed (and in my opinion, you come across as being in a state of depression whether it be mild or strong I am not medically qualified to diagnose), I simply recognise your DULLED SENSE of FEELING from my own experiences before I learned about healthy growth.
Yes, I wrote about feeling with your heart and not your head. And Jerry mentioned that His sponsor had given him that piece of advice too - to move a foot down his body from his head to his heart.
It really does work.
You are numb at the moment or, at the very least, have numbed feelings but they will come back as you warm up and recover and gain health; and the way forward is to recognise a POSITIVE feeling, however small and hold on to it.
Just for today, hold on to the small "that's nice" for it is little nibbles that will enable you to face a full meal when you have no appetite. Write that feeling down in your diary and each time you feel in a positive way, however small it is...soon you will have a plate full, and that will fill you up and enable you to grow in strength. These little nibbles will give you energy too to cope with the work of ploughing through the negatives you are conscious of in your life right now.
Soon you will be noticing the negatives losing power and the positives growing in power over you. One moment at a time...
Hope I am making sense for you.
With love Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Well you DID recognize the beauty that's a positive the fact that is was fleeting may just simply be that You have seen the beauty in the stars so many times that it is kind of an expected thing to see. For me after being in the program for a couple of years...summer being my favorite season, just this summer was able to really see the beauty in all of my flowers and those of my neighbors. Because I am so used to seeing these flowers year after year it just became routine for me. This year I saw them all as blessings from HP. I mean I never created a flower or a tree ( I have kill a few though) or a mountain...but HP does all the time. So this past summer I looked at them all in a totally new perspective. tiny miracles sent to me by HP. Just a thought Blessings p.s. It sounds like you live in an amazing area from what you describe...near the ocean, and far enough from the big city lights where you can actually see the stars and thier beauty.....so a bit jealous over here lol
I know what you are talking about, and it happens to me a lot. I feel kind of yuck inside really most of the time, but I am beginning to come out of that, as long as I watch myself and keep my focus on me. I have spent so much time depressed or just not feeling overjoyed that its easy to be that way. its harder to be happy, but I am working on it every day. Minute by minute.... Take care of you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Thanks all, "fake it to you make it" comes to mind. At least the absence of sadness is a blessing. Maybe it's a very slow gradual process to feel again, at least fully.
