Hi Soozin and welcome!

I'm pretty new here but rest assured that you'll have lots of great input very quickly. I've been in Al-Anon for about a month and I too am learning to detach. It is truly a lifesaver!

As for buying booze, I've been asking myself that same question for a while. I'm hoping some folks with some real-life experience will chime in on that one.

The standard answer that I've read is that by buying alcohol, we're enabling their addiction while not allowing them to deal with the consequences of their drinking (in this case, getting themselves to the store and getting their own booze).

Much easier said than done! I know that this initial refusal usually sparks a lot of anger. I believe it's the part of the A's primitive brain that becomes very scared. They start thinking, "She's not only refusing to get me what I need but she's also showing that I can't continue to manipulate her into helping me continue with my addiction! NOOOOOOOO!"

Well, that's just my .02. I'll be checking this thread to see what others say.

Then only person you can take care of is you!

My heart goes out to you ((((((((((((soozin)))))))))))))))

...here is your fight or flight situation, your enable or detach, your courage to change moment and it is presenting itself on a plate, it is ready for the picking...and yet it is so so scary too.

He choses to drink. He choses to quit his job, for whatever reason. He is responsible for the consequences and he needs to understand and grasp the consequences of his actions.

You don't drink, you do work and you are now facing the financial dilemma of keeping body, soul and home together for you, your partner and his children, and not enabling his habit should you make that choice, or to dig yourself and those children and him deeper by continuing in the same way and enable his habit by providing his drink when he has given up his job. One choice is better than the other, though you stand looking on seeing one choice as being better than the other, BUT IS the BETTER choice (probably that of enabling) really the BETTER choice in the long term?

I don't think so, but the BETTER choice appears right now to be the worst choice because of the learnt response pattern from the past. NOTHING CHANGES UNTIL SOMETHING CHANGES.

You have a tough choice to make here but this is an opportunity to set the boundaries, and enabling him to give up his job and carry on drinking by providing that drink is not a wise move.

You need the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, (HIM), the courage to change the things you can, (YOUR ENABLING) and the wisdom to know the difference THAT A CHANGE IN YOUR RESPONSE WILL BRING ABOUT IF ONLY YOU CAN BE STRONG AND FIRM and the effects that your actions will have on ALL of you IF YOU DO NOT CHANGE THE THINGS YOU CAN (yOU AND YOUR RESPONSE).

Hard as it may seem, this is your opportunity to define the boundaries. Here is where you have to be strong to survive, and surviving is NOT feeding HIS HABIT.

Alanon teaches that that is so important. Don't fall into the trap of enabling. You will hate yourself for it in the end. And I know it won't be easy but you hold a strong hand here if you can muster the strength to stand firm and tall for your own sake and the children and him (should he chose to do something about his problem and change something in himself).

I will hold you in my prayers, for NOW is the time to be immovable. May God grant you the serenity to do the right thing one step at a time, one moment at a time, one day at a time, FOR HOWEVER long it takes.

Just for the moment, think about the consequence of your enabling and chose to change something for the better.

With love,
Suzannah

What a great thread on changing the things I can.  Courage to Change is one of
our best daily readers and what I was taught to do was go to the index and pick
the subject that applied and read slowly all entries on that subject and then over
as I began to get new perspectives on the subject.

I was also afraid of her (my alcoholic's) reaction to my refusing to do something
I had done so often.  My sponsor helped me to allow her "her reaction" and to
not react to it myself.  Expect a reaction and don't react....somehow then that was
rocket science however it only happened once and while she tried that once to
convince me that I should do what I had always done she never attempted that
again...she came to accept that what was then wasn't now and she was going to
have to be responsible for her choices which was drinking.  I was free to find
something else to fill the void and I had to do that or else leave myself open to
falling back into enabling behaviors for lack of a better thing to do.

The "blow up" is scary because it starts in my imagination and the imagination of
a fear based person is like a horror house...I imagined the worse and often more
worse than reality.   Program has solutions to that also and I got to get there and
stay there and sit down and listen and practice, practice, practice what I learn.  I
have sat and listened to stories from the membership which were thousands of
times worse than my own and watch those members recover in deeply miraculous
ways.  Therefore...I am home...thanks for letting me share.    (((((hugs)))))

My situation is similar, my A is asking to give me $50 less rent so he can get what he wants. I told him I would think about it. He doesn't yell and scream but its my "guilty" feeling of taking his money when I know he doesn't have much that makes me want to give in and give him his way. But then who suffers? Me and my kids. And its my apartment, but he is staying there, so my boundary is that he helps with a third of the rent. He wants to give me all of what I asked except the $50. and then says he will give me the $50 next week. I too don't know what to do, but I do know that if I give in, I will feel resentful, since he told me he would give me a certain amount today and now I won't have that amount... We don't yell and argue, we do talk things out really well, thats where it is hard. I am always the one to give in to everyone, so what I am seeing here is if I give in to him on this issue, then things aren't changing and it is allowing him that extra money he needs to go get more of his addiction. So I am working this out by writing this, lets see if I can follow through... If I say "no I need the whole amount" what is the worst that could happen? He uses money off his credit card instead? That doesn't hurt me any. What will hurt me is him not helping when he said he would... It is a face to face matter though that I will have to talk to him tonight after the kids are in bed and not over the phone while I am at work and he is at home... Wow, thanks for this post. It helped me think about things :)