The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been married to AH for 25 years he is 146 days sober today. Needless to say our marriage had not been strong. I started working on me years ago when I tired of his failed attempts at recovery. This time he went through Hazelden and I attended the family week. I have been feeling great. So nice to have my man back. I am starting to live again. Our problem is intimacy. He doesn't want any, I feel like I am starting the dating process all over and want to be with him a lot. Turns out he hooked up with and old high school sweetheart at his recent reunion. They have not had any physical contact but have a very strong emotional connection. Our counselor has told him not to make any changes for one year and he agreed. He says he wants to give us a chance but his actions tell me otherwise. I was out keeping busy yesterday and when I got home it felt different. I checked his phone (I know this was wrong but I did it anyway) and I found several text from the day. He admitted it, said it was a mistake, he had a weak moment and wants to give us a chance. How do I get through this hurt. I have a lot of trouble with the higher power, I'm still working on that one. I need to get to work, sorry so wordy for my first post.
Welcom to MIP shyspouse! You have come to right place and also face to face meetings are a big help. They tell us in Alanon to not give advice but to offer experience, strength, and hope. My story is that I have been married 35 years. I say that my AHsober has been married 30 years. He left the marriage five years ago when our youngest graduated from high school. This man has not drank in over twenty years but is what I consider to be a dry drunk - having the characteristics of an active drinker. He does not work a twelve step program. I think he fixes himself with other addictions (computer games, work, etc.). I think that he also fixes himself with the attention of other women. I call it emotional infidelity. Not matter, he says he wants a divorce however he has never filed.
My experience is that if they don't work a program for the individual it is hard to keep the relationship healthy. My strength has been to pile Alanon meetings, literature, members on me to help recover myself. My hope is that I have gotten better and can see a future for me. It does hurt but there is hope for a good life whether the A's drink or don't drink and work a program or not.
Hope this helps. Recovering from a long term relationship is a challenge.
Aloha Shy...yep sobriety changes everything!! Maybe that is a good thing because while the disease runs nothing is real at least for me. Recovery in Al-Anon took everything I believed and suspected and thought I knew and turn it all upside down. Good thing!! I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and didn't realize until I got into Al-Anon that there were two realities...one for normal and the other abnormal. Alcoholism is abnormal living and was the only way I knew how to live. Living another way takes the desire to turn my back on how things were and learn how to do it different...better for me.
Placing the responsibility for my happiness and serenity on the shoulders of an alcoholic, recovering or not is not a good choice. It would be the same as putting too much weight on the shoulders of a weak person..they are not and will not be able to respond. I need to carry my own weight.
One of the most confusing things I had to learn in Al-Anon was believing only what the alcoholic was doing and little to nothing about what she was saying. The reason is obvious...they are fearful people and fearful people lie...they also don't know what is real or acceptable so they are compulsive as hell and when the booze is gone will gravitate toward almost any or all sources of self gratification that are within reach including people, places and things. Self gratification is huge to the alcoholic. So I learned to listen with my eyes and I learned not to stand in the way of her selfish drive for gratification. Lie, cheat, steal...is all parts of the language that the alcoholic, addict uses to describe their thoughts, feelings and behaviors before they find real recovery. I leard to expect it and accept it when it was happening and that kept me from playing the detective trying to find out who she was drinking with, sleeping (not the real word) with, what bar she was at and then when she got into AA what meetings she was going to. I had gotten crazy.
It was my desire to not be crazy anymore that got me into the Al-Anon Family Groups face to face meetings with the help of my HP; God. The membership, meetings, literature, sponsorship and ESH is what helped me to recover and which supported me up until this minute. I have paid professionals and sought out holy men and gurus. I've spoken with my parents and other family members and read the works of very intelligent and renown people; none of them had for me what I have found from the membership of the program who have walk the very same trail I have wearing the very same shoes.
Support for me is in Al-Anon and here at MIP. Welcome and keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I am so sorry that this new issue has surfaced in your life. Alcoholism is a disease and once the drinking stops the other issues surface. I was always grateful for the sobriety and was willing to address each issue regardless of where it took the relationship.
You have both agreed not to make any major changes in your life for the next year. That is so you can each recover enough to see clearly whst you need. Please use this time to increase your meetings, get a sponser, work the steps and focus on yourself.
The first step is clear that we are powerless over others . Being powerless does not mean that we are not helpless. Please take care of you. I found that meant to become teachable, learn how to listen and lower my expectations. That was a tall order and a 24 hour job in the beginning.
Just keep coming back and sharing There is life and hope
what a dilemma. Do you have a copy of the book Getting them Sober (offered at the top of the page). Speaking as someone who used to be obsessed with where the now ex A was, who he was with and what he was doing, I can relate. I do think many alcoholics are good at hooking us into their dramas.
I know for me the obsession was in getting the ex A to change and meet my needs. When I stopped doing that and started working on meeting my own needs, lots of things changed. Was I irate that I "had" to do that, you bet.
Early sobriety is a slippery place for an alcoholic. One of my neighbors is in early sobriety (first 30 days). Her thinking is pretty pollyanna and the world is not something real at all. Every slimey creep in the world is someone who is a potential friend to her. She can't see reality at all and her "pink cloud" is pretty absorbing.
For those of us around an alcoholic we have to weigh what needs can they meet and Getting them Sober (the book) has some pretty good suggestions. At one time I would think that someone with 30 days sober was a good candidate to be a friend, as they were committed. As I've worked a program now I know they are not, not that I discount their recovery at all. I weigh my needs rather than throw them at people these days.
I'm so glad you are here and looking at joining al anon I can't think of a better resource for you. Giving up looking at the ex A's texts was such a key moment for me. The more I absorbed myself in the program the better I became.
