Boy, I can totally relate to your post !!!!!
Those feelings of anger and frustration would absolutly eat me up inside as I tried and tried to make sense of my unmanagable life. Tried so hard to control My A ( who is my son ) and his behavior and in the end exibiting unacceptable behaviors myself. Yelling, screaming, cring, begging, I did it all and more and nothing changed.
Finally started working my program, meetings meetings meetings and little by little realized the only person I could change was ME. UGH!
I was finally able to truly see this as a disease, one my son didn't ask for but got it none the less. No person willingly sets out to become A's I mean what rational person would do that?
I had to start accepting my son for exactly what he was....an addict. And in that acceptance I could not expect him to act as anything other than what he was weather he was sober or high. The disease consumed him.
My only solace besides the program was turing to my HP during times of anger and frustration. I couldn't take it out on my son anymore. He was already sick and in pain and didn't need me adding to it.
For me what works is sharing with a fellow member and then getting to a quite place and praying. Praying for HP to take my anger and frustration I was feeling and replace it with peace and compassion. I make up little mantra's as prayers and I say it over and over again in my head until I finally feel the peace in my heart restored.
In the beginning I had to do the A LOT almost constantly.
And like you i wonder how long will this go on... how do I live through this
I can't divorce my son, and I wouldn't want to. So here is where our storiies are a little different.
Work your program, pray for peace and acceptance and see where your HP leads you.
Prayers to you and your children
Blessings

Always remember we have choices, we dont have to accept the unacceptable. We get so drawn in by the insanity of it all that the unacceptable becomes the norm.....I lived for too long with my guts stewing and my brain bursting to the detriment of my physical and emotional health.

I refer to this a lot to keep the focus on my recovery, http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Ive learned about boundaries and detachment which are lifesavers for me!

Do you have the Courage to Change book, the daily readings are great.

I dont have anger anymore really, frustration certainly but the programme works if you work it.

Good to meet you, glad you're here.

((((((hugs)))))

Ness x

Thanks for the vent, usedto

I found I often needed to vent, too. I recall one time at a meeting saying "I think you'd have to be a saint to have the ability to turn the other cheek to all the things my exAH has been doing!!!"

I sometimes want to behave badly, too. I've had times where I just wanted to plunk myself down in the middle of the living room and have a screaming tantrum. What gets me is that I hold myself to higher expectations... and that's why I won't just go out and be completely irresponsible. Those higher expectations can be the source of my frustration because I just won't allow myself to behave that way... even though I really, REALLY want to. But I know behaving in that way will not solve anything. It would give me maybe a couple seconds of satisfaction, but then I'd be faced with the negative consequences right after. Not worth it.

I did discover a safe outlet, though, on those days where the rage was really building... some days if I were home alone, I'd just go into the bedroom and beat the living daylights out of a pillow or the mattress... or if the urge came on in the living room, the couch was the safe outlet.

Those private moments of just letting it all out helped, though. It was removing the lid from a pressure cooker and letting all the steam out. I could then allow myself a good cry and then ask God into my life, my troubles.

But YES - I understand all too well.

I did get to a point with my exAH where I really determined the drinking didn't bother me so much - it was everything else he did that bothered me. The drinking is just a symptom of the disease.

Thanks for venting with us.

Aloha Use to be...It's somewhere in our literature and maybe under the subjects
of acceptance or patience or the like which says, "I cannot hope to reach manage
ability by loosing control of myself."  There is much positive support and growth
from within our literature.  Help like this supported me learning to accept
responsibility for my peace of mind and serenity and not hold my sick alcoholic
wife hostage for it.

I went crazy trying to understand until I came to understand.  Recovery takes
willingess, patience, practice and sharing better outcomes.   The alcoholic isn't
in any part of that.   My alcoholic was never in any part of "MY" own recovery
even though she was the sole focus of blame when I first arrived.  It was habit
for me to think and say, "I failed and it's her fault."  Not believable unless I
came to understand that I gave up control to someone who wasn't qualified;
the alcoholic and others.

I had a hard time wth anger and frustration until my sponsor taught me the
opposites of both.   The opposite of anger is acceptance (of the fact of the
situation) and the opposite of frustration is patience and commitment to
my recovery.  If you don't like the feelings that come from behaving in anger
and frustration then behave in acceptance and patience.

Alcoholism for me is not a moral issue...there is no right and wrong as long
as the disease is in control.  If you are allowing unacceptable behavior I was
taught I had to take an inventory of my thoughts, feelings and behaviors and
focus on what I could change.  I was the one that would benefit.

If you are trying to fortune tell or project into the future days, weeks or even
years that is not living in the moment.  Another lesson support by One day at
at time.  This was so crazy for me because partly as a male I'm very analytical
and the more I tried to figure out a disease the farther I got away from
understanding.  What did fix it for me was following up on the suggestion of
listening open mindedly and then practicing with trust and hope what others
who were getting better were doing.  If it worked for them it had to work for me.

Sorry you're loosing it.  The thoughts and feelings are soooo toxic and over powering
and they will become things of the past and non-issues as you continue to work the
program...listen, learn, practice.  You're not perfect...another thing to accept.

((((hugs))))

Bud, you framed the issue just the way I would frame it, and UsedToBe's post really speaks to me...the lack of remorse.

For me, I have a hard time figuring out if my AH's drinking exacerbates his anger issues, or if his anger issues make him more likely to drink (as a way of self-medicating the anger). But I, never in my life, have ever, ever had anyone say the horrible, mean, cruel things to me that he says. So in the end it doesn't really matter what came first or is the cause...the anger or the drinking...the end result is that I get verbally abused (man, it is very surreal to see those words staring me in the face...verbal abuse). I understand this is a disease, but it is so hard for me to come to terms with the reality that he lives in a world where that kind of behavior doesn't warrant an apology or worse, that I've done something to deserve it.

An apology would mean a lot to me, too, UsedToBe. I'm trying to think of it in terms of apologizing to myself. I'm sorry, Stephanie, for continuing to put us last, when I should always be putting us first. I'm sorry, Stephanie, for creating unrealistic expectations for our AH, and setting us up for constant heartbreak. I'm sorry, Stephanie, for forgetting that the only person who is responsible for our own happiness is Stephanie. Attempting to control AH and bend him to our will only creates opportunities for verbal abuse and heartache. I'm sorry to myself for making choices that affect me negatively both emotionally and physically. The only person whose behavior I can control is me. The only person I can rightfully demand an apology from is myself.

Usedtobe:

I think I have responded to you on this point before -- I would like a sincere apology from my now sober AH and acknowledgment of the pain he caused me and our kids.  He is 4 months sober, and I am yet to receive it.  Yes, we are responsible for our own happiness, and I work on that all the time.  But the hurt from his lack of acknowledgment of what occurred is always there.

Cloudsea