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Hi all, I feel I'm "disappearing" into Al anon reading, reading on alcoholism and being online and on these boards searching, reading, searching, and posting as an escape or attempt to find an answer that isn't there (yet). Or like I want to find an exact replica of myself out there somewhere, find out what she did and whether it worked, and hopefully use that as a guide for what I should do. I think (er, know) I need to use patience and maybe give myself a break! As in, get my work done, spend some time with my A, do some cleaning, rather than obsessively losing sleep over trying to read everything all at once. There is NO danger I'd stop, I think I just need to tone it down. I know it is necessary and it has helped me, but at the same time I think I go overboard with it, mostly because I'm desperate for some sort of solid hope or "facts" that I can find that will help me. So I think I am going about it in a slightly wrong-headed way. (Also spending $$$ on more and more books on the subject from Amazon and alanon....). Does anyone ration their Alanon-related activities, say to an hour a day (except meeting days) or something? I do tend to get obsessive about things - before I said we had to halt the wedding planning I used to spend hours late at night online trying to find perfect wedding shoes, NOT a good use of my time, energy, or happiness, since I was in effect choosing that over getting work done on my dissertation (I'm doing a PhD, which really needs MUCH more of my attention and has seriously been neglected of late) or instead of spending time with friends who wanted to see me and to whom I say "I can't, I'm too tired/busy/sick/overwhelmed". I don't know. I know I have a tendency to isolate, both in order to recover from the over-stimulation of the world, and also to try to force a solution all by myself - sometimes to the most tiny, stupid things (like wedding shoes), sometimes to the biggest, most daunting problems (like my fiance's drinking problem.) Do others have experiences of this sort of thing? I feel like I should do all this research so I can know (control?) "everything," but I can tell in my heart that it has taken over to the point of being destructive of important, vital parts of my life. I suspect this is part of my disease (something that was a problem way before A!), but then it's confusing to me how at Alanon meetings they encourage you to get MORE involved with reading everything you can, signing up for service work, socializing afterwards, etc. I don't know if it would be a good idea for me to do MORE of that since I feel like I'd get even more removed from my best friends (not in program) and A fiancé AND - oh yeah - my career (the thing I should be pouring energy into in order to have an independent life). Do others keep going with good friends who support their program work? I hate to think of losing all my non-AA/Al-anon friends. I guess I'm just fearful of becoming over-zealous to the extent of losing myself. I realize this is such a tiny thing compared to the frightening crises being experienced by many right now. I wouldn't ask, only I can see it has become self-destructive for me, so was curious about others' experiences or current struggles with this sort of thing. I should probably sign off now and not check obsessively throughout the day. That will be my goal for today! And I will check back tomorrow. Thanks in advance. Best wishes and peace, G
WOW, thank you so much for that share. An older timer in al anon told me that I take her breath away. I was doing everything you say and more. It was just me again trying to control fix. I had to know about alcoholism. I had to get better now. I could not say NO to anthing anyone.
Al anon does tell us to read, to be comitted to our recovery. It also tells us first things first look after your self. Keep it simple I do not have to research everything inside out. Take it easy, slow down , one day at a time.
What i have been doing is cut down on my meetings, started saying no to things and basically chilling out. Like you i intend to do this for the rest of my life I could not keep up the pace. Anthing Hp wants me to know will come to me when I need to know it. I thank you so much for reminding me that I need to slow down and take care of me, I like watching afilm, going for a small stroll, having a lyin bed. I have noticed when I do this I feel more at peace and that is what al anon is all about, becoming calm and serene.
Totally related to your share so you are not alone in the obsessivness to find answers, get information or find someone who can relate to your story. Went I first started alanon online I was in the chatroom 24/7 with a little sleep in between. I couldn't get enough the first few months and I tell ya I'd be a rich woman had I been paid a dime an hour for all the time I spent online. And yes as I got the hang of the program and had to actually start working the steps and such it took less and less of my time. But you will see me here everymorning in the meeting room to get my alanon "fix" I cannot start my day without it. I don't have a job right now so it's not a time crunch for me or anything. But I think once you are full of reading, posting, researching etc and you decide to work the program you will become less and less obsessed. Cause working the program takes work and you have to get off the computer or put down the book or whatever and start interacting with others and getting on with your life while applying the alanon steps and principles. Blessings
I buried myself pretty deep in program when I first got in. It served it's purpose. First I spent time focusing on "him", his problems, my vicitimization, and got my anger out. Bought all those books but they were about HIS personality defects - not mine. Then I started listening to what I was told to do and focused on myself - jumped into the steps. After that I slowly started physically practicing - which means doing "the" work, doing "my" work, and working on myself too. Finding that balance and integrating the steps and the program into my everyday life.
I was very glad when I stopped feeling like I was "in recovery" and doing and living a life that was foreign to me. Now I feel I just changed my life in a way that I will be living for the rest of my life, this is now the norm and I hope it stays that way. I am not "recovered" - but a work in progress. I too at times felt like I was overwhelmed and up to my eyeballs with "program" and thought I just wanted out. I am sure I will feel that way again someday. But for now I am very glad the dust settled - I settled - and now my "ah ha" moments are more pleasant moments of clarity than rude awakenings.
Don't worry, you will find your groove. Perhaps this is just where you need to be right now. Sounds like you are aware of where you should be focusing and that is the first step to change - knowing you need to!
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
forget about researching alcoholism its not your problem .. Start researching the only thing u can change YOU .. stay with meetings find out why u allow what u do in your relationships , what missing in your life that you choose to fix another ? I learned that while looking at others and trying to fix them ,I didnt have to look at me . Get to know yourself good and bad eliminate whats causing the problems for you and focus on the good stuff . Work on becomming who u were meant to be . As far as becomming obsessed with Al-Anon for me it sure beats obsessing about HIM. Addicted to program ? maybe its the way of life it offers me but I cant see myself leaving it any time soon . Hope you dont either . Louise
My first brush with Al-Anon was lurking on these boards, then I started posting a bit, and once I decided to actually attend meetings I jumped in with both feet.
I'm analytical and research-oriented by nature, and I read all the CAL I could get my hands on, trying to get my head wrapped around all the concepts. It was like I needed a complete understanding, and I got a bit obsessive about pursuing it.
So I allowed myself that. I had a vacation planned for May, and I fixed that for my end-point. I would steep myself in Al-Anon literature up until that vacation (about 5 months), and that would be my break. Like a reward for all my studying, lol.
It worked to set that limit for myself. When I came home, I no longer read obsessively. I could stop thinking and start doing.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Yes it has happened to me!! In fact there was one day, I am sure I posted about it somewhere, I got so involved in reading the messages on line I got my times all mixed up and ended up not being here when my autistic son's bus brought him home. He had to wait 15-20 minutes, he was devastated, the driver was mad. That was my wake up call.
I may not be an alcoholic but I have an addictive personality. I have to force myself to not obsess over things. Love Obsession is the worst. I tend to drown myself in whatever issue any man I am with might have. And they all have had issues. I can tell you every thing there is to know about: pathological lying, adultery, spousal abuse, PTSD, Gulf War Syndrome, divorce law, and I'm learning more everyday about alcoholism.
Knowlege is power but with no good way to channel all that knowlege it feels like another kind of insanity really.
I have to set rules for myself and follow them, especially regarding computer useage.
Toby Rice Drews says that families of alcoholics make mountains into molehills.... meaning, they are experts at denial and minimizing. I'm sure that's true to an extent. But I think it's also possible to obsess over these problems so much that we can actually make them bigger and scarier than they are. That's just my thought, not sure if I'm on the right track with that or not.
What happened to me is much as you describe. I found myself reading everything I could and being on this board and several other groups for a month and half straight. I found myself ignoring things and people. Eventually I settled down, I started to keep it simple. Now I read on occasion in my Courage to Change book or Language of Letting go... I also read the book Getting them sober a few different times. Now I am beginning to apply the steps and work them. At first I thought I could hope for my A to not drink/use that day. I realized I was placing expectations on him that would make me really mad. Now, I keep my focus on me. Just me. If my thoughts stray to him and what he might be doing, I remember, and bring it back to me. I have given him to HP and I ask HP for strength for whatever I find when I get home. For me, things have actually begun to change. Little by little each day. I am progressing. I have found myself at step 1 daily and have begun to look at step 4... I re-start every day, and remind myself I am powerless over others. I can only change me :) Take care of you
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Well if you were researching how to build different bombs or something I might wonder about you! (c:
I see it as you are interested in something and you want to research it! I mean this is what we are taught to do, especially in college.
I love to read about different kinds of dogs. Or what causes SIDS? I wanted to know all the ins and outs of addiction becuz it interests me. It was how I came to believe it is a disease and it is in our dna if we are predisposed to be an addict.
When I first began in Al Anon I too read and researched, asked questions. I was like a sponge. It is my experience that it was so good for me.
I was heading into medicine in college so research to me is like chocolate! If I have books to read it excites me.
You have so much you are putting together. Like a puzzle. You were going to get married, thought you were having kids soon. Then you got pushed off your path by a disease. Well of course you want to know what the heck is going on!
It is ok to stop too, meditate and digest all that you are learning.
If you are doing too much, you will know, ya almost feel sick.Some come here and ask if it is ok to let it go awhile, I am sick of al anon, I am sick of his disease etc.
We can only take so much.
I kinda like having something to research. For me I like to make a good decision, I like knowing the facts.
If my loved one is ill and or dieing, I am researching like crazy. I want to KNOW. I want to know what a liver is, what it does, what can happen to it, where is it?
I am absolutely proud of you for having the courage to put your wedding off, learn about your AFs disease and your part. Or more how not to make it yours.
