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I have not been here in a while, up until recently things have been good. 2 weeks ago my boyfriends dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor, they think it's his renal cancer has come back from 9 yrs ago. They can operate and hopefully get the whole tumor and he is very positive as so am I. My boyfriend on the other hand is in a really bad place. He lost his mom to lung cancer in Jan. of 2008 and his younger brother to lung cancer this past Feb. and understandably having a hard time. His drinking has been almost null untill yesterday. He's normally a beer drinking but yesterday it was vodka and the hard stuff makes him even more nasty than the beer. I must be at my whits end with it (8 Yrs now) because I didn't follow the rules and it only took the 1 question (he was behaving out of character for him trying to piss the neighbor off reving his harley so loud the windows in the house were rattling) so asked what he was doing, it was all down hill from there. As usual he soon started in with what I do wrong in our relationship and what I have to change and that he doesn't know what to do about it. He aslo said we don't get along (not true) and doesn't know what to do about that either. To make a long story short I had packed the kids up and was leaving until bedtime because I didn't want to be around for this crap when I told him I was leaving he started in with he didn't know what the problem was and talk to him...as I am walking away saying no he follows and then wants to talk about my feeling for my dad (he was and A for 15yrs sober for the last 21 before he passed in 2008 and I suffered abuse from him the drunk years, when I got older we talked and I forgave him and have been fine with my past since and loved my dad very much) well I got angry and started screaming and yelling at him telling him it's about him not my dad and told him I was done got in the car and left. I got home a couple of hours later and he was gone of course don't know where he stayed but he come home this morning and of course is in bed. I am so angry that he checks out whenever he has issues and then blames it on me. I am not his garbage can I will take responsibility for my actions in our relationship if he wants to talk sober and he knows this he chooses not to. I'm upset with myself because I know better. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I want to be there for him I feel bad about his family but I want to be healthy and happy. I guess that's what we all want.
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
Thank you for your post this morning. I am so sorry you are hurting. Your words speak to my situation, as well; I have recently been confused by A's harsh words and actions. I appreciate how you define the cycles of checking out and blaming it on others, or, how they come to a distorted conclusion regarding the relationship and are not willing to work it out the way a non-A might. I wish I had words of wisdom... I wish we could instill rationality...
All I can do is come here, work the program and try and focus on me.
I'm glad you're taking care of you and the children.
I only know that NOT taking care of myself makes whatever is happening around me have a worse effect on me. When I get rest, eat right and exercise, as well as work the program I handle things better, they don't seem so overwhelming and I"m in a better place to make tough decisions. Now if I could only do this consistently
Hi, have not been visiting the site for a while as has computer problems. My ABf is sober and in AA and is sharing a lot with me now that he is on a programme and fighting this disease. When I read your post I could just see your husbands pain sounds like he has had alot to deal with. I can only share my own experience my partners disease seemed to progress rapidly when he was trying to escape from bad stuff. However I are in al anon to look at myself and to protect myself and my children. Today if my partner has a slip I leave him to it, its his disease nothing I can do. I just try to not take it personal and remove myself. His behavior is not my problem, but if I am feeling upset by his behavior then it is my responsibilty to do something about that. Now my partner is sober I am beginning to see how much his drinking has effected me. I was angrey all the time, miserable, depressed looking at him, what he was doing. Today thank god he is in rehab and I can look a me. Looking back I wish I would have took better care of me. Today I try and do whatever give me peace of mind and hand my ABF over to Hp. I try not to try and understand my ABF, this disease is crazy.
Holly , Thank you for sharing. It does remind me that others have the same scenarios with their drinking partner. And you have the children to take when you leave. I hope you have many friends. I have been in the same place--things happening around that affect both of us. Wondering how long I can watch him do all this to himself. But then I look at the project of dividing after 35 years. It just gets worse. But, when he's not doing all that he's a wonderful person. IDK. This site helps. Mine has probably gone to get more alcohol. Be back in a while. Sound like he's all calm on the phone like he wasn't screaming how I just didn't like him and he was leaving 10 minutes before when he slammed the door. I'm headed to the other side of the house. Take care Holly. Take care.
In my experience, things started to get better when I started concentrating on me. I keep my focus on me and if I slip, I am quick to come back to me. There are good days and bad, but I know now that I do not have to engage and go to every argument I am invited to. It is very hard to walk away, but it is better to do that than to fight. I know that when I keep to my side of the "street" things are so much nicer... Take care of you
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
